How does on lose control of their friends?

My friend has been wanting to go out with his woman friend for years and the oppurtunity never seems to arise. I don’t like this ‘girlfriend’ of his because I know what shes doing. She is deliberately making him hope that theres a chance in hell of them getting back together to maintain her postion of power within the group of friends im in. Heres the question, does there power eventually collapse and turn against them, or will it linger on? Forever? No ones power can last forever can it?

How does ONE! I knew I slipped up somewhere.

Your post is somewhat incoherent, but I’ll try to answer.
First of all, when you say “back together”, do you mean that these two used to date?

Second, has your friend discussed his feelings with this “girlfriend” or does he just pine over her like some sap?

Third, just because a person is nice to someone of the opposite sex, that does not mean they are interested in them sexually, which is what we are really talking about.

and finally, I don’t know what kind of power dynamic goes on in your circle of friends but how does the relationship of these two people fit in?

They used to date, and my friend has cling to the hope of them getting back together. He’s overweight, so she’s embarassed of him. I know you don’t have to be interested in girls sexually to be their friends, but he never stops yapping about it. The girls uses clever tactics to keep him in her control. He’s never discussed his feelings with her so he hasn’t got the guts to confront her about it. And if I say anything he has a fit about it and tells her! see the predicament i’m in? She knows he won’t say anything and walks all over him!

The power dynamic goes something like this, she is in the centre of the group which I don’t recognise, then theres my friend which she has concerntrated her control in. Then theres her friend, who regulary acts independent and is constantly confronted about it. Then theres me, the most independent and so the most dangerous of them all. It sounds something of a miltiary campaign, but even her house is central to the position of her friends while my house is on the outskirts. To add insult to injury my friend is planning to live at there house!

She is beginning to sense me as a threat, and is becoming increasingly aggressive towards me. It’s reminicent of a purge, shes bunked off 5 other people, and I need to decide what to do,
should I abandon him to his fate, let him find his own way? And what of her what will happen to the powers she poesses at this moment.

Damn my modem, screwed up my last paragraph!

I don’t know what to tell you. Most of my friends and I are pretty confident around women so I don’t have a lot of reference for situations like yours.

We had one friend in college who used to do the same thing as your friend. Every time he had a girlfriend, he would turn into this big pussy. Eventually we stopped hanging out with him.
It pretty much doesn’t matter what you do. Its like a drug addict. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.

In a way, it’s not really your problem. If he wants to make an ass of himself with this girl, thats his business. Just start hanging out with other people or go hit on girls in bars or whatever you people do for fun.

One does not “control” their friends–one accepts them, their choices, and their changes–precisely what one should expect of their friends in return. If those changes and choices alter the freindship, and even when it ends it, one accepts that as well–because that’s what a decent person does.

Could it be that i’ve outgrown them?

Firstly, sorry if I sounded a bit harsh before.

Secondly: sure, it’s possible. People change, and therefore the quality of their relationships does as well. I’ve a mild personal dislike for applying the term “outgrow” to such things (to me, it implies some self-petard-hoisting), but that’s not too important. The important thing is, trying to control those changes will generally lead only to misery–if they happen to be changes that you think are for the worst for the friend, the only thing to do is to, with compassion and most importantly with honest clarity, express that to the friend. What they do with that is their own choice.

It’s ok, but your right that friends should accept each other for who they really are and their differences, but thats just a theory, in real life people manipulate and dominate their friends and associates.
I should just leave them to it. But I have to ask, what could happen to the Girls power and control?

Moderator’s Note: Moving to IMHO.

What Drastic said. You can’t control or effect what your friend(s) do, nor should you try to. You can only be THEIR friend -in this case I think you already mentioned that you’d tried to talk to your friend and he just got upset and told her everything. If that’s the case, then you can only stand back and wait. Eventually (hopefully) your friend will realize what’s going on and you can help him pick up the pieces and go on. You can’t change your friends’ unhealthy relationhships. You can only help them to recover when they realize what’s been going on (if they do…)


God I hope so!

You can’t protect your friend from this woman. Even if you think she is manipulating him, he’s the one who has to recognize this tactic and decide what to do. I know it’s tough, but he’s got to stand up for himself.