I decided to act like a 2 year old. Fight fire with fire.
He’s 17, I don’t think it’s scary to him but he doesn’t like it. He’s very laid back, but I know it’s hard on him.
He’s pretty upset with her because she sits in front of him talking shit about me to her friends.
That is low.
I was hoping we could stick it out until he graduates but that isn’t going to work.
I guess what I really want though is advice on how to change MY attitude, how I can change to make it better.
I don’t like being this way.
Most people who know me will tell you I am one of the nicest, most laid back, easy going person around. I don’t really sweat the small stuff, I might bitch a little but I’m usually laughing at the same time.
I want the real me back.
Have you looked for help anyplace besides here? A mental health professional, clergy (if you are a religious person)? Anger management counseling?
Dealing with a constantly stressful environment like you are describing sounds like pure hell to me. I hope you’re able to find another place to live soon, but in the meantime it would be good to have some ways of coping with it without making yourself sick. As I’m sure you know, anger raises your blood pressure and has been shown to weaken the immune system.
It sounds like the only mistake you made was in keeping your cool for so long. Implosions like yours only make things worse. It’s hard not to be a bitch/bastard, and holding it in is necessary in a work situation, for sure.
But for family, there really should be no reason not to be straight with everybody. Are you Irish-Catholic? They like to sweep things under the rug.
Once you get away from the toxic situation, you will be more like your old self. Right now you are finally reacting to what sounds like a long-term buildup of SHIIIIIT!! and is normal. Sucks, but is normal. You’re making your plans, you’re moving on, and you will feel so much better when you do. Try to remember that you ARE moving on, that all this toxic waste around you is only temporary; try to pretend you and your boy are in your own little bubble. Sometimes just knowing things are going to end will make it a little easier to deal with.
You are in a codependent dance with your Mama’s drama, probably have been all of your life. Seems like she’s lured in the other family too. Think of your Mama Drama as a an orbital draw, like a planet has on a moon.
Children who grow up on a steady diet of Mama Drama, are unknowingly being groomed to join in the dance of codependency.
(It is unbearably tragic to hear a mother rationalize that this is not affecting her 17yr old. But she’s blinded by the Mama Drama!)
Mama has played her hand well, she’s got her grandson under her roof, conflict to create/feed off of, and you convinced you’re ‘protecting her’, God knows what she’s convinced the other couple.
Here’s the thing, (in my experience with this), there is only one cure. You need to break out of orbit around your Mom. Not just move out, move away. Take your child and move away. (Far enough she can’t call you to come over!) The sooner the better. If you value your mental health at all, you should do this.
Until you get out of ‘orbit’ you’re never going to be able to see anything clearly. You’re already eyeball deep, with years of experience, in the codependent orbit. And, you appear to be dealing with a master of Mama Drama!
But if you step out, step back, step away, the very first thing that will happen is the water in your pond will begin to calm. It may be unsettling and new, at first. But believe me, you’re going to enjoy getting a taste of life where you can breath, and unclench, and let down your emotional guard. In very short order the answers you’re looking for now, will be suddenly obvious and apparent, and somewhat simple to implement, as a result. The positive changes you’re seeking will follow with little effort, but not without the environmental change, I believe.
The reason you ‘lost your shit’ is because the planetary pull to stay in your Mom’s orbit of drama has caused you to override your every instinct. It’s all offensive to you, to your intellect, to everything you are. You can feel it in your bones. You’ve been ignoring it in favour of keeping the peace. (There is no peace, by the way, just endless amounts of drama and conflict to be enjoyed!)
Your body, spirit, soul and heart all know how belittling and humiliating it is to, as an adult woman, behave like a two year old - and worse. The venom, the hate, the seething, the loathing. You child is (has been) living in the same environment that has produced these feelings in you, but that’s okay because he’s 17? He gets to watch all the most meaningful adults in his life behave like self absorbed 4yr olds who can’t get along, but can’t get apart either? This is only okay to you because you can no longer see anything clearly.
If you feel pity, feel it for the son. And I’d put money on his only shot being to take my advice and break out of orbit. Few people, who override the urge as 20 somethings, ever again find the spirit to break free, in my experience. Yeah, eventually they’ll move a few blocks or whatever, but them remain lifelong participants in, and hopelessly caught in planetary orbit around, the Mom, who’s always the centre of the universe, don’t ya know!
Only once you’re out of orbit
Let me add that, even if your Mom isn’t thriving off the drama, even if she is just too ‘nice’ or mouselike or quiet or whatever to stand up to her kids, your moving out will help her, too. Not because you’re gone, but because it will give her a little impetus to get her life back where SHE wants it. She may not want the drama any more than you do, but be completely unable to get rid of it herself. My mom is kind of like this with my little sister. My sister just moved on in with her, and my mom just moved right on out, lol, because it was easier than kicking her kid out. And she feels 10 times better.
ugh.
This qualifier makes me believe you really aren’t going to leave.
If you’re serious about getting out, then get out. Waiting to talk to your mother just sounds like so much procrastination, and less likelihood that anyone is actually going anywhere. Surely to goodness the writing is on the wall, screaming at the top of its lungs? Your mother should not be surprised to return home to you and yours moved out. Just do it already.
Good luck.
Seconded. Hell, thirded.
OP needs to get a whole lot of gone between her and them ASAP.
In truth though, the advice she sought doesn’t much resemble the type we, (myself included!), have given her.
She doesn’t seem to really want out. She just wants to know how to repress the screaming, raging, hate spewing bitch that has been released in their midst.
She owns giving them, ‘a taste of their own medicine’, like a three year old, and stepped willingly into that pile of shit, with righteousness!
And though this environment has turned her into a bitchier, crazier, (and apparently now uncontrollable), reflection of her mortal enemies she’s pretty sure it’s okay for her kid!
She’s not looking to avoid the crazy, she just wants to ‘put the cat back in the hat’, I think.
No, elbows, I think you were dead on.
Short of really good therapy – which might could follow shortly after breaking out of orbit – the breaking out of orbit is the key. The uncontrollable anger feels so good to let loose because it’s been pent up for so long, it’s like a drug. It’s hard to quit being real and put the genie back in the bottle. That uncontrollable anger she’s feeling is cognitive dissonance. It will melt away like a cheap ice cream cone as soon as she manages to break out of orbit.
I had to do it right after I graduated from college and one of the best decisions I ever made was moving 1,000 miles away from the Mama Drama. Now I’m more immune to her manipulations and passive-aggressive bullshit.
Good books to read:
The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller – She doesn’t mean gifted in the sense of high-achieving, good grades, “smart” gifted, but that children who grow up with narcissistic parents tend to develop certain “gifts” that inform how we interact with people for the rest of our lives.
Codependent No More by Melody Beatty – There’s probably something in there about how to break out of toxic orbit.
The Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Branden – The decision to put on your temper tantrum diapers and act like a toddler is one born from a sense of helplessness and loss of control over one’s own choices. If you’ve been raised with Toxic Mama Drama™ your whole life, you probably haven’t had much opportunity to build your self-esteem. This is a great book on how to take the old You right back. Hint: You have to love yourself enough to refuse to put up with this shit.
That’s what I was thinking - there’s no one in this situation who is looking all that great, and to hear there are kids living here too - not good.
I agree with the others, sahirrnee - you need to find a healthier living environment for you and your kid. You also need to learn how to not make your mom’s problems yours - if she can’t kick her crappy daughter and son-in-law out of her house, there’s not much you can do about it except get healthier yourself.
Wow- your child is 17?? Because I had it all pictured in my mind how he was young and you were very young, maybe 20 or so. Knowing that you’re a lot older than that really makes this a bizarre situation. You should have learned how to handle yourself a lot better by now. I hope you get the help that you clearly need.
I agree with the others that you should take yourself out of this equation and leave. If you want to limit your bitchiness, take yourself out of the situations that bring it about. But also, do not continue to obsess/fester over it. Do not give the situation more energy or similar scenarios are going to follow you wherever you go. (But the same advice applies.) Divert your thought to anywhere you can *any way you can**besides what’s pissing you off.
Also, obviously, confront the situation maturely, state your case and needs and make a choice based on their response. Fighting “fire with fire” is only going to build a bigger fire. From Depak Chopra’s 7 Spritual Laws of Success: The Law of Attention and Intention: that which you give energy to builds; that which you take energy away from diminishes.
Maybe off base, maybe not: how is your diet? Alcohol, white flour, white sugar tend to enhance mood swings. Obviously, the situation is the primary source of your issues, but what you’re consuming will affect your behavior and therefore likely affection your actions/reactions.
I could be way off base here, but it sounds like both you and your sister are staying put on the assumption that this will mean the house goes to you down the road when your mom passes? The other side of that is that the one who leaves gives up dibbs, right?
If that’s the case please let it go. No one ever really wins these kinds of family feuds and parents tend to split things evenly in their wills anyway. Let your sister win, leave your mom to solve whatever problems she has with the situation and get yourself a home of your own. It’s OK to let your sister think she’s the favorite if it means you don’t have to deal with that kind of drama anymore. You’ll be the real winner in the long run.
The only way to stop is to move out.
You don’t sound like a bitch; you sound like a hysterical teenage drama queen. So does your sister. ‘OMG she made noise outside my room so I made MORE noise outside HER room and MY MOM WOULDN’T TAKE MY SIDE and it’s TOTALLY NOT FAIR!!! and it’s ALL HER FAULT and…’
IMO, you guys are acting like this because that’s what happens when siblings live together when they’re way too old and too far on in life to be doing that: you regress to your bratty-kid selves. You push each other’s every button, and the next thing you know, two calm, kind, sane adults* are throwing full-on screaming tantrums and slamming doors at two in the morning because SHE MADE ME DO IT. You would *never *act this way in any other situation, it would never even *occur *to you, but damn if your siblings can’t bring out that horrible uncontrollable teenager every time.
The only surefire way to make yourself knock it off is to move out. Seriously. Even though it’s soooo unfair and SHE should be moving out and whatever else. None of that matters as much as getting your normal sane adult mind back. And at this point, you’ve both gone far enough down the teenbrat track that deep breaths and positive thinking aren’t gonna do it.
(I don’t see what Elbows is seeing - I don’t see your mother contributing to this in any way, at least not going by your account, which is all I’ve got to go on. If anything, you’re describing her trying not to take sides, trying to keep everyone happy, even though that’s clearly making things worse. Elbows could well be picking up on stuff I’m missing, obviously - not saying he or she is necessarily wrong, just offering a differing view.)
*I know, your sister is genuinely a psycho evil bitch, just saying
Not from personal experience, but they say the best way to stop being a bitch is to get a sex change.
Then they can be an asshole.
There are different types of manipulative people, and the mother seems to be a typical “Poor me, please don’t anyone cause any problems.” She’s obviously not kicking people out for unacceptable behavior.
YMMV- but I am also living with my son at my mother’s house. There are some siblings there too. One is in college and there full time, the other in the Army and in and out. Things aren’t as bad as you’ve described, but they are contentious and difficult. I often find myself feeling like I can’t do it. I have definitely gotten a little bitchy- though mine is more a sigh-and-roll-my-eyes, or maybe the occasional iffy tone, type of bitchy. It’s uncharacteristic of me and bleeds into my work and other relationships outside the home. As cheesy as it sounds, I have taken to reading articles about compassion on the Dalai Lama’s website. They calm me down and put me in a positive frame of mind at least temporarily.
I also echo the advice to get out of dodge. If you feel like you’ve lost control, that’s the best way to get back to yourself.