Specifically, wedding anniversaries. My husband and I are coming up on our eighth later this month. And once again, my mother-in-law is insisting on taking us out to dinner. This has been an issue for the past two years, ever since we moved back to living in the same town as them.
This is just such a foreign concept to me. I’ve always thought of a wedding anniversary as a celebration between the two married people. My family has never made a big deal out of other people’s anniversaries. If you happen to be talking to them on the day, and you happen to remember, a “Happy Anniversary” is nice, but it’s not required. It’s not like a birthday–no one’s going to get their feelings hurt if you forget.
But apparently in my husband’s family, it’s like a birthday. They send cards. Buy presents. Take you out to dinner.
I know they’re just trying to be nice, but to be completely honest, it would be much nicer of them if they volunteered to watch the kids for us so hubby and I can go have a nice dinner…alone. What a concept!
Last year I made hubby tell MIL this (he agrees with my point of view, btw), and she was fine, watched the kids for us, and I thought it was over. But no, here comes the “anniversary dinner” invite again. I guess she didn’t get the hint. I’m going to try and combine it with Thanksgiving, though, so it won’t be a big deal.
Anyway, anybody else’s family make a big to-do about other people’s anniversaries?
I feel the same way as you - they are for the married couple, period. (And maybe their kids.) Other well-wishes are nice, but totally optional.
Much to my surprise, my stepmother made it known a year and a half ago while Tom Scud and I were in the middle of planning our own wedding that she had apparently been steaming the entire time that she and my dad had been married that I’d never wished them a happy anniversary. 25 years, and she picked that moment to mention it for the first time. My (totally factual) statement that I don’t wish anyone a happy anniversary unless I am in attendance at an actual celebration of the event (like the time I happened to be at Thanksgiving dinner at my aunt’s house when it became a combined celebration with my other aunt’s 40th wedding anniversary) apparently made no difference to my stepmother. I thought the whole thing was rather passive aggressive of her.
Up until the big ones–maybe 40, certainly 50 and 60–I think they are private. Hell, my husband and I don’t really celebrate our own, outside of “Happy anniversary” (though this year is 10, so we are going out to dinner).
I do think it’s cool to call the family together for 40, 50, or 60, but that’s because by then the anniversary isn’t just about you, it 's about the generations you started. But even then it seems weird to invite non-family. What do they care? (Though my perspective may be skewed. I am thinking of my grandparents, who had 12 kids and all the grand kids, great-grand kids, and, now, great-great grand kids you’d expect from such a start, so when we call the generations together, we already need a pretty large venue. More guests would just get lost.)
How about a compromise? You and hubby go out on the day of your choosing (whether it’s The Day or, say, the closest weekend night), and MIL gets to take you out another night. Everybody wins.
I mean, consider yourself lucky that she’s not a screeching harpy trying to break you up; she wants to celebrate your marriage along with you. Seems kind of nice.
(No, I’m not projecting; my in-laws were both dead when I met Mr. S. No in-law conflicts for me! And we’re like the others who celebrate privately, though my mother always sends us a card.)
Oh God, PRIVATE, obviously. My anniversary is my business only, and I don’t give a stuff about anyone else’s, unless it’s my own parents 50th.
I have friends who recently hired a bar and held a 5th anniversary party. They aren’t married and don’t even live together. I really don’t get why we all have to get excited that they’ve been having sex for 5 years.
We don’t celebrate as a family unless it’s a big one. I might mention it on their Facebook page, but I might forget. No big deal.
We don’t do big celebrations for birthdays, either. We’ll get gifts for our parents, and the kids, but not our siblings. I always call to wish everyone a happy birthday if I remember, though. For the in-laws, I remind my husband to call his siblings.
Aw, hell, my own mother pulled something similar to Eva Luna’s stepmother: she got wind that some of her friend’s grown offspring - who were, I might add, older and richer than me - had pooled together a bunch of dough to sent their parents on a cruise or some shindig like that. Naturally that was the cue for my mother to get all butthurt that I’d never done anything similar, nevermind that she’d never brought it up before hearing about her friend, nevermind that I was still in college and an only child (no siblings to split the costs) plus I argued what everyone else here has said: this is between her and her husband.
She chose not to see it that way - she’s big on showy public affairs, because it’s all about appearances with her. But even if my parents and I were close, and even if their marriage was something to celebrate (it’s … dysfunctional, let’s leave it at that) I’d still think it was a day for them to celebrate their own unique relationship in their own unique way.
Are you kidding? My mother doesn’t even remember when HER OWN wedding anniversary is without checking the marriage certificate (although we’ve got it narrowed down to ‘last week in June sometime’).
Okay, so glad to see that my in-laws are the weird ones, and not me. I have to admit I have sometimes wondered if my parents-in-law are all hurt because I’ve never done anything for their anniversary. I don’t even know when it is. I suppose since they do it for us, she probably thinks we should be doing it for them. Too bad…if I have to accept her way of living, she has to accept mine, too. And I don’t send anniversary cards. (Not even to my own husband!)
My in-laws do the same thing. They travel three hours, stay with us, and take us out to dinner, and sometimes a show. I’m happy to spend time with them, and enjoy having them pay for dinner-and-possible-show, but my husband and I make a point of going out by ourselves on another evening.
I call my parents and wish them a happy anniversary (it’ll be 25!) this February. But…it would be weird if we all celebrated together. They go out to dinner and do god only knows what afterwards.
We might throw my parents a party if it’s a big anniversary, but, otherwise, it’s between them. But if they wanted to have a party, and did all the invitations themselves, I wouldn’t have a problem with it.