I was musing over this story on Not Always Right. Basically, a guy wants to continue a longstanding yearly tradition with friends over his one year anniversary with his girlfriend. She doesn’t like this.
Let me get this part out of the way: I think the girlfriend was plainly wrong for belittling the boyfriend and hs interests, especially when she’s been going out with him for a year.
But should the boyfriend have given more thought to canceling on his tradition with his friends for the anniversary, or just done it outright? After all, he and his GF have been dating for a year, so he should know by now how important such things are to her, and should be willing to give some leeway (though I will admit that we don’t necessarily know how much leeway he might’ve offered in private).
Does your opinion on how important you think such anniversaries are to people who aren’t married affect your answer?
Excluded middle. Presumably the specific date of his annual marathon with his buddies is not strictly important, otherwise how did he meet his girlfriend? (Or… if he met her at the marathon, why was she not invited this year?)
When his buddies first suggested that particular date for their get-together, he could have piped up and said, “Hey, that my one-year anniversary with [girlfriend], and she’s probably going to want to spend it together. What about the weekend after that?”
He didn’t HAVE to put both events in competition with each other. He didn’t have to cancel either one. The fact that he did says something about his attitude toward the relationship.
Presumably because that depends on the flexibility of the friend’s brother, and given that he only allows the tape out of his hands once a year, he probably doesn’t have a lot of that.
But you do make some good points I hadn’t thought of.
If the marathon is six years running and he’s only been with the girlfriend for one year, then what did they do last year the day they met or became a couple or whatever?
A woman who would behave like that in public is not the type of person I would remain in a relationship with. Also, if she is this dismissive of something important to him, and since she clearly has no interest in learning about the things he likes, and since she sounds like a sexist asshole, I think the best thing would be to break it off.
I mean, c’mon. Star Wars??? Everyone has seen Star Wars. Why would a guy who loves it date a woman like that?
I think relationships need to work so that both people get everything that is really important to them, and that 99% of the time there is some solution that exists that gives everyone what really matters, and that if you can’t find a way to work out the 1% of the time when there isn’t, you’re poorly matched. I also believe that in most cases things like this are the manifestation of some on-going power struggle that tends to mean the relationship is going to end or limp along unhappily, regardless, because power struggles are not a good sign.
Timing WAG: The movie marathon is always on (for example) the first Saturday in July. Last year the couple started dating/met/whatever they’re counting as anniversary on the 6th, which was a Friday then. This year it’s Saturday, so it conflicts with Star Wars Marathon day.
LOL. I’m guessing by the Star Wars content that they’re both fairly young.
I do think age does make a difference. The Divemaster and I have been in an on-again, off-again relationship that’s lasted longer than some marriages I know: it’ll be eleven years sometime in August.
See? I don’t even really remember when we started dating. Come to that, we rarely if ever celebrate birthdays or anniversaries together. Not a big deal, at least not any more, to either of us. We’re together and that’s what‘s most important.
At our age we just think they’re a lot less earth-shaking than they used to be: I’m 57, he’s 51, so being in your 20s on up and facing important dates like birthdays, etc., quite likely can be the major factor for different couples.
Personally, they’re both out of line. She needs to chill out – they really CAN go out any time to celebrate - and he needs to show a little more care about the feelings of a woman he’s been dating for a year – dude, all women (including me) think the first year annie is very important!
I don’t think it’s age, it’s personality. I know my mother’s anniversaries, but not my grandmother’s or mine (and neither does grandma; she can describe the dress she was wearing when she met grandpa, and what he was wearing, and the ads in the tram, but don’t ask her the date). I can tell you under which circumstances I met my exes, or my friends, or hooked up with some dude or other, but… the date? I don’t give a shit and never have. On the other hand, my brother and his wife? Oh my: anniversary of the day they met, anniversary of the day he first asked her to be his gf officially, of the day she finally said yes, of the day he gave her the silver ring he later replaced at their wedding (and got another one for himself)… they’ve been together for almost 20 years and either one would pout if the other one forgot any of those dates.
He’s thoughtless, and she’s impulsive. Not a great combo.
Knowing what I do now, and enjoying the luxury of armchair speculation (as a woman who has been happily married for nearly 20 years, and glad for the ‘happily’ because of how intricately our child, and our finances, are tied into our relationship), I’d just flatly dump his man-child ass. This has nothing to do with his interest in Star Wars and everything to do with where I feel his priorities should be (he’s free to disagree).
Not married to him, no shared debt, no kids? Grown ass man wants to hang with his buds on our 1-year anniversary? Dumped. Bye. Sayanora. I won’t let the door hit me where the good Lord split me.
No drama. No tears, no tantrums thrown in public places. Just … buh bye.
Bros before hoes. He probably should have tried to reschedule the marathon but long standing traditions come first over a girl who doesn’t look like she’ll be around next year.
In the first year I started dating my now fiancé I left her behind; for a trip to Europe, my best friend’s wedding, a friend’s brother’s wedding and a random vacation. She wasn’t around when those plans were made so she wasn’t included in them. That being said I told her about the plans well in advance so she knew I was busy and we scheduled stuff around those events.
Anniversaries are for married people, I wouldn’t even know what date to use as a first year anniversary with a girlfriend. The day you got married is a day you should celebrate every year, first date or first time you met or first time you hung out with a buncha friends or first time you hooked up after meeting at a bar is not.
I don’t think he should have necessarily canceled the tradition, but he should put more thought into what his girlfriends wants to do, just like she should put more thought into what he wants to do. Neither of them seems to be taking the other seriously, which is a bad sign. I wouldn’t say that either is in the wrong, especially since we have so little context, but that both need to work better on communicating and compromising.
Yeah, but at the same time, he really CAN watch Star Wars any time. It won’t be the same experience, but neither is celebrating your anniversary on a different day.
I can’t help but be reminded of a conversation Doctor J and I had once about a commercial for DVR, where a guy was torn between his negligee-clad wife and some baseball game. He said something about it being a no-brainer because the guy could have sex with his wife any time. I was all :dubious: and said, “Not with that kind of attitude, he can’t.”
And see, I see celebrating the day you got married every year as indulgent and frankly overly sentimental: we went out for dinner on our tenth wedding anniversary, and that seemed about right.
But you know what? Everyone isn’t me and what matters to other people is different than what matters to me. It’s all arbitrary, and you can’t really cling to your own arbitrary standard and say “ok, obviously THIS should matter, but not that”.
Neither is completely right or completely wrong here. There’s a certain element in mature relationships where if it is important to your Significant Other, it should be important to you (and that applies to both of them), and there is also an element of, you can’t expect to do everything just like you’ve always done them before you were in a relationship. Things change when your living conditions change.
On the other hand, some people enjoy celebrating things.
(Ostrogirlfriend and I met in person on the Saturday before Memorial Day, so we celebrate then, since other important firsts/beginnings are either difficult to define or celebrations in their own right.)