How Fucking Hard is it to NOT Deliver a Package?

The BBQ Pit
1

My cell phone broke a few days ago and, being free from my contract commitment, I decided to see what was out there. I ended up getting a nice RAZR phone, and a new plan, and got it shipped 2-day FedEx Express.

I called up FedEx, the carrier, and asked them to please hold it at the local facility, and I would pick it up. They might as well do this for all my packages, since they seem to require a signature and I’m not home during the day, but whatever. In this case, I wanted to leave town late afternoon/early evening, so I didn’t want to have to wait for the trucks to return. She entered it in the computer and said to call back later and make sure it went through, what with the hectic holiday season. I did, and I was assured that my package would be held.

So, today, I check online tracking and see that it got to the local FedEx place at 8am. At lunch, I head over there to get it. I figure I can charge it this afternoon and then be able to call my family from the road so they know when to expect me.

They don’t know where it is.

“I called twice yesterday, I explain, and left instructions to have it stay here.”

“Oh yes,” she said, matter-of-factly, “I see that right here.”

…

“Well?”

“We don’t know where it is. It might be on a truck for delivery. It might be back in a pile here.”

She made no move to go look through the pile.

“Well?”

“If you want to hang around here, it might turn up.”

“For how long?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you fucking know anything, you worthless piece of grinning fucktardedness?!” I didn’t shout at her, but wanted to.

To spare my sanity and vocal chords, I left. I called the 800 number a few minutes ago, and after much conferring, they decided that it’s on a truck, but that the driver never scanned it ('cause, you know, if he had, he might have seen the notice that said not to put it on the fucking truck).

I’ll go back on the way out of town, but my expectations are low.

2

Bender: Too much work. Let’s just burn it and say we threw it in the sewer!

3

She was grinning?

Steer clear. This woman has LOST HER MIND.

We quit grinning about Thanksgiving. We quit making eye contact about Dec. 15th. We can barely see through the tears to drive on December 23rd, and this woman was grinning? I would back away, slowly.

I really am sorry they messed up your hold request. I hope you still have a nice holiday.

-Fedex driver

4

I had nearly this exact experience in the last week with FedEx. I had a package shipped to me and since, like you, I’m rarely at home during the day, I missed the first attempt. Stupidly, I forgot to put out the slip to let them leave it at my mailbox (so I’ll accept a small portion of the blame here), but the day after the second attempt, I was home sick so I thought for sure that I’d be able to receive it.

The package was loaded on the truck, but a delivery attempt was not made that day. Oy. I called that night (it was Friday) to get them to hold it for me to pick up at the depot. They said sure, and would call me when it was ready to pick up.

The weekend passes. On Monday, a third delivery attempt was made. What??? I told you to hold it. Your phone message specifically says that after two attempts, it’s automatically held for five days (I should have already realized this was a lie) never mind that I already called you. Since the third attempt was missed, it automatically gets sent back to the shipper.

I call CS to see what’s up and if there’s some way I can pick up the package. “Oh, the calls don’t always come in in time” they say. How’s that happen, you freaking clueless moron? I called on Friday. Suppossedly it’s entered right into the computer, no? You are open on the weekends. How can it possibly go back on the truck? Hell UPS has the package for me to pick up the night of a delivery attempt, even though they say they can’t do that.

5

Last Monday? the 12th? I had two notices of failed package deliveries in my mailbox. Now, I do a lot of ebaying, and I get a lot of packages, and my mailman knows to leave them in front of my door if I’m not home. (My door is off the street.) Here’s the thing: I *was *home. No one ever rang my doorbell or knocked on my door.

So, I’m home the next day too. All day. (I mostly work from home.) Nothing. No knock, no ring, no packages, no slips. So Wednesday. I call. I tell the post office that the mailman usually just leaves them at my door, which is fine with me. He said, what wit the season, it might not be my usual carrier. Meanwhile, hold on, I’ll go see if they’re here if you wanna pick them up. HOld music. Not there; must be out on the truck for redelivery.

Nothing.

Thursday, I call. NOt there, must be out on the truck. Friday I’m busy, I forget. I get home, nothing.

Monday, I call, speak to a supervisor. He looks. Not there, must be out on a truck. I get his name, his direct line, his bosses name. He gets my number, tells me he’ll speak to the carrier personally, get back to me. (Of course he never does.)

And I’m thinking, wait: they’re not there, so I can’t come and get them. They’re on the delivery truck . . . but he’s not delivering them. So basically we have a carrier who’s been playing keepaway with my packages for a week. And I’m getting worried, because ebayers are none too sympathetic about such things; at the very least, it the packages get returned, I’m looking at duplicate shipping charges.

So Tuesday. Apparently getting Dale’s boss’s name worked: I leave my apartment about noon to find two packages leaning against my door. I was home all day till then, and still no doorbell.

So yesterday, my sister tells me that she’s sending me a package. She calls me from the post office to tell me that she paid $46 to have it overnighted. Unnecessary, but too late, she’s done it. So I call MY post office, actually speak to Dale again. I tell him I’m going to be out today, Friday, but I’m expecting a package from Chicago. PLEASE TELL THE CARRIER TO LEAVE IT; NO SIGNATURE REQUIRED.

I get home. Failed delivery notice in my mailbox. The opera begins again.

6

You do understand, of course, that this is the busiest time of year? Your package will turn up. Somebody probably forgot to scan it along the way. But to be upset with a person who has no control over somebody else’s mistake seems pretty immature.