I agree with Fuzzy Dunlop that getting a date isn’t particularly difficult, but finding that person to ask out can take time. I don’t really actively seek out dates, I just sort of wait until I happen to meet a girl I like. By the time I ask her out I’m usually pretty confident she’ll say “yes.” Come to think of it, I can only think of one or two times when I was actually turned down when asking someone on a date. Not because I’m some adonis, but because I generally don’t ask strangers out. Sort of a quality over quantity thing.
This “slow approach” worked best in college when I was crammed in with hundreds of young single women. As time goes on fewer and fewer potential mates drift by, but I figure I have a couple years yet before I have to start worrying.
Well I’m in my late 30’s and I really wonder if being married is what I want. I never have been. I could have been, and it looks like I probably could be… but I dunno. My biggest concern is that it would be boring. Okay, financial concerns are a close second, and having no time is a close third, but being trapped in boredom scares me.
First post, and this is the biggest issue in my relationship right now- would it be ok if you left me alone for a little while? I work a lot (how else can one achieve a fabulous lifestyle without being born into it?), and I have plenty of personal interests besides. If things don’t work out, it will probably be because she can’t find something to do without my attention.
I am never so blunt to my hot gf, but yeah, GO AWAY is sometimes the result of successful dating. What is INFP?
Yah well maybe you are a terrible person. But maybe it is better to be single. Single, that is, after having dated alot so that you don’t have all the psychological hangups of people who haven’t been successful at it.
Why? What is the obstacle? Maybe we can help. Anyway, people in your situation seem to value dating more than anybody. Is humanity fucked up or what?
Let me clear this up: I mean find a date worth having. I don’t mean gaming the concept just so that you can say, “Hey! I got a date!”.
I could answer more posters at this time- in fact I have but random keystrokes have wiped out some of my answers, so please nobody take it personally if I am not paying attention to you (how is that for bar etiquette, hmmm?)
I don’t really know because I’ve been in a relationship for awhile. But it didn’t seem terribly hard when I wasn’t.
I think it’s complicated when you’re younger because high school and even college kids can be stuck in a closed environment where everyone knows everyone and there is a rigid social structure. Plus unless you are just a super stud girls throw themselves at, most kids don’t really know shit about dating or picking up women. It’s a lot easier if you live in a large city with a much larger dating pool. OTOH, it can also be a lot harder if you are shy or mostly rely on a close network of people for your dating pool.
Uh..yeah. That’s sort of the definition of dating.
Everyone has their own preferred style of “dating”. I always tended to prefer either random hookups with no commitment, or long term committed relationships. I hate the whole in-between part of going out on a lot of stupid dates and dinners and the whole awkward “is it time to take my pants off” thing. Some guys like juggling lots of girls. Others like constant one night stands. Some prefer a highly selective, long term approach. One guy might approach dating the way a salesman generates leads while another just takes it as it comes.
Looking forward, I think dating would/will be insanely daunting for me. I’m introverted, have low self esteem and confidence, intimidated by pretty girls (she’d never be interested in ME/I am not deserving, etc,) and now fairly picky.
You, my friend, may be the higher-hanging fruit just waiting for the right “peach” to pick him.
You’d be surprised how many out-going women keep an eye out for the quiet, “good” ones.
That sounds a little self-defeating. Not saying you don’t have some stuff you could work on – confidence can be learned – especially if you’re doing it for yourself, not just as a means to an end. Nothing wrong with being introverted, though – lots of people are plenty happy with being introverted, and lots of “girls” are introverted as well.
But hey, slugger – lots of pretty girls out there. Just by being around pretty girls enough maybe you’ll get so used to seeing them and interacting just regular folks-like, you’ll get a little to jaded to even notice. I’m no pickup artist, but sometimes even the most hard-to-impress guy like me gets a little sidetracked. This woman waiting for a bus today with me had this really pretty haircut – I mean, it looked like a million bucks. If I wanted to just chat with her, I doubt I’d have had anything better than coming off like a creep and asking her what I should do with my hair (about time for a cut myself). Course, that doesn’t mean telling her I want to smell her hair or touch it, but it would have been a borderline weird way to start a conversation.
Nice thing is, there’s no recipe for talking with strangers – just do it often enough and find your own way of amusing yourself, learning new things from others – yes, even pretty ladies sometimes once in a while have awesome things they’re into and would love to talk about, and making other people have fun just shooting the breeze.
If it were me, I’d just go ahead and work on getting comfortable talking to all kinds of people, regardless of what they look like – ugly, fat, beanpoles, supermodels, dumb as bricks, introverted engineers, whatever. Serve you well in your life – great skill to have, and you’ll only get better at it.
Well, whatever – I sound like somebody’s uncle saying “Here’s what you do, kid!” Just some friendly advice is all.
I really don’t have a good answer. There aren’t a great deal of women that I would want to date, and pretty much none ever ask me. Still, from the pool that’s left, seems like it should be happening much more often than it does, so I suspect there’s something more at work. Been trying to figure out what it is for some time, myself.
Well I hope not. Thing about ‘pretty’ is that is is almost entirely in your head. Literally. Sure, whether someone is organized or messy can be objective, but imagine a pretty person with their bones and hair in a different shape and voila! They suddenly aren’t so pretty. We’re wired to find certain things appealing and it varies from person to person but I think people can build it up to be more than it is. Some pretty women are no fun whatsoever.
Maybe you are choosy and better able to tell in advance when things won’t work out? I dunno. Overall it seems like men have to make the first move though- I feel like I have been pretty lucky with dating but have not been invited to the first date either. FWIW some guys I like to hang out with don’t get a lot of dates either, and I can’t see why with them either. A guy I watch football with sometimes for instance- he is plenty smart, is employed, isn’t a jerk- I don’t know.
People make assumptions about looks. Guys see a very pretty girl and assume that she’s dumb or vapid or shallow. They assume that they are stuck up or bitchy or whores (not sluts…sluts sleep with everyone…whores sleep with everyone except you!) or only date meathead jerkoffs. And the fact is, for a lot of attractive women, their outlook and attitudes are shaped by the constant attention they receive all their lives for being “pretty”. Often not for the better.
That’s where the whole “pickup artist” concept of “negs” (negative backhanded compliments) came from. A 9 or 10 is used to random men approaching them and kissing their ass. They know how attractive they are. They aren’t used to having someone take them down a peg. It makes them self conscious and self conscious people actively seek approval to build their self esteem. You don’t neg a “6” or “7” because they are already self conscious. They will think you’re just a jerk making fun of them. At least that’s the theory as I understand it.
Anyhow, the point is you’re probably better off just talking to a pretty girl as if she was just another person. Without the stupid negs and without the OMG you’re so hot!" bullshit.
Try2B Comprehensive - Going by your use of pronouns, I assume you are a gay dude? If that’s the case, it’s my understanding gay dating is very different from hetero dating. For example, one of my gay buddies expressed a great deal of surprise over how much time and effort we hetero guys have to spend going from “hi” to actually having sex.
I agree with your conclusion. I never got into the ‘pickup artist’ thing- I just look for someone interesting to be around. I don’t mean to disparage pretty girls or make assumptions about them- basically I think looks are almost completely de-coupled from what a person is actually like as a person. People make such a big deal about looks though, whether it makes them be intimidated, jump to conclusions, or ignore other factors, and I think that can be a mistake. But I don’t think a lot of guys can, uh, ‘demystify’ looks until they have enough experiences dating :eek: ridiculously beautiful women who are also crashing bores on a date. (ps- no matter how beautiful they are, they always think they’re fat IME)
Har har, I’d better be more careful with my pronouns then. As they say, “I don’t have a gay bone in my body, nor have I ever.” Gay guys do seem to be a lot more up-front and open about sex and desire and that sort of thing. I think two guys getting together is a different situation with different expectations than a hetero encounter.
No, part of my motivation for this thread is the combination of what seems to me to be my crazy blessed luck in dating without understanding why it seems so easy for me but so difficult for some others. I am seriously not convinced that I am so special and am at a loss to explain it. If I could figure it out, maybe I’d write a book and get rich!
Right, you have to be able to handle that. But I haven’t been turned down for a date in almost 10 years! Dumped a few months later sometimes, sure, but success in this area led me to the conclusion that I didn’t know what I wanted. I thought I wanted someone exactly like the person I was with, but then it turned out I was wrong. Then I thought I must be out of chances and would never do so well again, but no, I never did run out of chances. Maybe I am on my last chance now, and anyway I am grateful to have such a nice gf… I really don’t want to make a game out of it.
For me, getting a date is very difficult. There’s not a lot of opportunity at my age (49); I don’t have the looks or social skills; I do have face blindness, which impedes quick recognition of newly-met people.
That being said, even I’ve had a few dates in my life, and two long-term relationships (both of which lasted around four months). One I met at art school; the other I met online.
For me, it’s been difficult. Weird thing is, I am outgoing, confident, have a good sense of humor, good looks, come from a nice white family in the suburbs. It should be easy but I’ve managed to fuck it up most of the time by getting incoherently and obnoxiously drunk.
Also, I think a lot of it has to do with your upbringing. I don’t think i’ve ever learned how to properly love because I’ve never seen it from my parents. I’ve never seen my parents hug, kiss, hold hands, say I love you or anything. It’s always been a strictly business type deal. My dad can be a real prick. I’m a lot like him.
Also, I think the biggest difference in my life has been failing to make a move. You know, that time where you look in each others eyes, and you have that somewhat nervous/butterfly feeling. I look back on my life and recognize countless times where I should have done something but didn’t. Now, my mindset is always to make a move when the situation presents itself.
I’m female, in my early 40s, and find that finding someone to date is very difficult.
It is exacerbated by a few issues:
I’m not actively circulating (dur)
I’m not “traditionally pretty”. I have nice hair and eyes, don’t dress like a slob, but am a bit overweight. The overweight thing tends to make you pretty much invisible I’ve found.
My friends have no one to set me up with - especially not after what happened the last time (insert long, slightly bitter story here
I have some health problems
I am rather shy with people I don’t know well (though sometimes my 7 years in customer service counteracts that)
My mother lives with me since her last stroke/s in 2006
I rely on public transportation
Right now I’ve decided not to worry about finding someone. I’m more worried with getting my life a little more stable. Am I lonely? Yeah, sometimes. But I also know what happens when things don’t work out - it really hits me hard. So for now, I’m probably better off where I’m at.
You are why I deleted my profile on the two online dating sites I was on.
There were far too many men out there just like you, looking to get laid, not interested in anything beyond Date 1 or 2 unless sex is involved, looking for the next hook-up, to make staying on those sites worthwhile.
If its not that, its the ones who are looking for Mommy to cook and clean and give structure to their pathetic little lives because they are too lazy/needy/addicted to TV or Facebook to make strong, useful lives on their own.
In answer to the OP’s question, hard getting a date (in my case, with a man)? No. Hard finding an eligible man worth spending time with? Absolutely.
Extremely difficult. I admire people who have an easy time of it but I have a lot of self destructive mental blocks, and in a way don’t have an excessive amount to offer a woman based on what I think women want (ie I’m not beautiful, extremely gregarious and upbeat, or extremely well off. Although I’m hoping a lot of women realize they aren’t perfect either and would overlook those things in me). Plus my social network to meet women is nil right now and I don’t like internet dating or bars.
IDK, perhaps my wheelchair adds a bit more rejection to my overall dating experiences. I have found that there is no way of really forecasting which girls might be interested in me, a guy in a wheelchair, and which ones won’t ever see anything other than the wheelchair itself; being willing to risk rejection with each new one is the only way to find out.
ETA: There isn’t a “type” that is more likely to be interested in a guy in a wheelchair is what I am trying to say. Other than perhaps nurses and the like.
I find meeting potential dates difficult in-person because I’m fat, uncomfortable in bars, and the opposite of gregarious. But even as a fat chick, it’s not that hard to get a date online. The problem is, once you sift out the chaff who want nothing more than sex, there isn’t much wheat remaining. Fortunately, chaff often sends unsolicited pictures of their, ah… wheaties.
