The concept of never being turned down for a date is totally foreign to me, my experience has been the opposite (the women I’ve approached were either unobtainable or just liked me as the guy to boost their self esteem because they liked feeling pursued, and never considered me actual dating material). Again, I don’t know how it works or doesn’t.
I admit I have some psychological issues, but I’ve known people who have tons of issues who are dealing with them worse than I am who have no trouble dating. So I don’t know if that alone would explain it.
Suffice it to say, I have no idea. I don’t know why some people have it easy and some don’t.
Dating just sucks. Everything got better when I stopped “dating” and just started being friends first and then seeing what happens.
Dating? It was always a disaster with me. Almost all the time the girls would talk about their exes or they would just say something ridiculously stupid. You need to realize that I’m 25 and the majority of women around that age are just stupid (for lack of a better word). The whole dating scene was exhausting, and I was often left feeling unfulfilled. Most girls just wanted to sleep around or get drunk or be young and stupid.
Thanks to those who responded to my post. I honestly didn’t expect any responses to it at all! I appreciate your kind words, Becky2844. Spoon river, you did sound like an uncle, but uncles often have awesome advice, so thanks. And thanks to you too, Try2b.
It really does help to hear this stuff. I really am hard on myself. Also, coming out of a one-sided relationship that left me constantly questioning my looks, worthiness, etc. I’m pretty much a mess and constantly question my worthiness with women. This is stuff I need to hear, I think.
To answer to the whole sex aspect that’s now been touched on in this thread… I agree that with a lot of guys thinking “sex sex sex”… That’s all there is to it. But for some guys, intimacy is integral to a healthy relationship. Half the reason my marriages failed was in each case, my partner forced a switch from an intimate relationship to a mostly platonic one. In this last relationship, it went from both of us wanting relations at least a few times a month to her wanting it maybe two times a year. So I guess what I’m saying is for me, if I can see there might be limited potential for intimacy with a girl early on, I might get spooked easy. I’m not saying I’d expect booty on the first, or second date. But I’d get anxious about the chemistry present past that point.
I think what I’m getting at is yes, sex is important, but not because I’m a douche. I’m just a hands on guy in a relationship, and I need a hands on girl. The last two times have been kind of a bait and switch in that arena. Touchy thing, I guess…
But primarily I just wanted to say thanks. It was unexpected, but very welcome and appreciated advice. Thanks again.
It is easy to get a date; it is difficult to get one who isn’t trying to convert you.
I just want somebody who can laugh over a cup of coffee, who can smile when my team wins the game, and who understands when we want to host a boozy dinner party. One who enjoys Rat Pack jazz and can mix cocktails for us both (or I’ll mix them, I’m easy) to enjoy before dinner. One who understands that my background indicates that religion means nothing, and never will.
Not likely hereabouts. Maybe I should just move back to Toronto.
It’s complicated when you are younger for a couple of reasons. Young people haven’t really figured out who they are, let alone what they want in a partner. Plus, high school and even college tends to be a very closed structured institutional social environment. Opinions regarding the “datability” of people can be formed pretty quickly and they tend to stick.
The flip side is that someone who does well in a small fishbowl where everyone knows and likes them can have a hard time in the larger world where he or she can’t just get by being the “star quarterback” or “hot cheerleader”.
Environment makes a big difference.
Unless you’re some kind of PUA, if you’re in a dull town, with few singles, in a job where you rarely meet anyone of the desired gender, it can take months and be extremely frustrating. And I mean just to meet someone you’re attracted to who’s willing to go on 1 date with you.
Let alone how long it would take to find someone you really click with.
I’m in my late twenties, I live in a good-sized city (Washington, DC), and I can be reasonably charming with a bit of luck and a following wind. Getting a date is easy; getting second dates less so, but still totally doable. Finding someone I want an actual relationship with, and who wants one with me - well, that’s tricky, but it’s tricky for everyone.
As to getting dates - the trick is just to recognize that you’ll get rejected, a lot, and that’s okay. Send actual, thoughtful messages to women who seem interesting on the dating site of your choice (women, plural! - this is a numbers game), say “hello” to women in bars (politely, of course, and using some judgment), and see where things go.
Assuming you don’t live in the middle of nowhere and don’t have a whole airport-load of baggage, to get a date is pretty frickin’ easy. To find a good date is where it gets kind of tricky.
Even dull towns have a couple of local bars. And while I’ve seen it work out (or at least not explode), you really want to keep your dating life separate from your work life.
OTOH, in a larger city like Boston or New York, you will also have a lot more competition. People get “Bigger Better Deal” syndrome. It can also be overwhelming because there isn’t the “local singles bar”. It’s an entire city of strangers you will never run into again.
On some level, you do have to become “some kind of pick-up artist”. That is to say, you need to take proactive steps and not just wait for it to “just happen” with some pretty-ish single girl who happens to be close proximity.
Of course, but you cannot dispute that it’s much harder in some places than others. I mean, in some places the demographics are shot to bits and there are, say, 5 young men for every 1 young woman.
And I’m not complaining for my own sake; I’m doing just fine now. I’ve just been there and I’m saying if a person is struggling to get dates, looking further afield is definitely something worth trying.
Oh, and I agree with you about the big city syndrome. In a big city you have too many options and also you’re unlikely to bump into anyone again unless you make it happen.
I didn’t mean dating work colleagues themselves.
I meant, if you have a job where you work with/for a lot of people of the desired gender, your social circle will tend to include lots of dating candidates.
(Of course you can meet women by being introduced to them by male friends. But IME this is much less common than meeting women through other women (or whatever respective genders)).
Yep, again, I’m fine with my current situation. In PUA lingo, I’m a rAFC: “reformed Average Frustrated Chump”.
If you’re either extroverted and outgoing and people flock to you because of your personality. Or, you are wealthy, dating and relationships are going to be easy for you. Have fun.
If you’re merely competent you’re in a better position but you’re still going to have difficulty. You may have the ability and confidence to safely land a crippled airliner while defending against the terrorists who killed the flight crew, but nobody is going to know that, or care. You may as well work on either acquiring wealth or work on being more outgoing and fun.
If you’re incompetent, introverted, spend all your time jerking off and playing video games and are a fat creepy weirdo you should spend more time trying to become merely competent. You’re spending too much time indulging your sad interests.* Life isn’t just about having fun.
This is an interesting question. Personally I think it’s about being open. The opening of your heart to the world, after you’ve been hurt, is a choice, not something that just happens. Being open is about leaving your baggage at the curb, not dragging past dating experiences into the shaping of the next one. Being open to dating outside your ‘type’, letting go of foolish parameters we set when we are still immature, like must have big boobs, or height or hair requirements.
I think people are really good at sensing this quality in others.
Your “rules” are stupid. If they were the least bit true, no one who makes under $200k a year would ever find a date.
Guys think their attractiveness is tied to money the way girls think theirs is tied to their weight. As long as you make enough money to live in a halfway decent place, not dress like a shmuck and go to a decent restaurant every now and again, you are wealthy enough to date.
Forsooth. A lot of guys who can’t get dates like to pretend it’s because they don’t live in baller ass mansions or whatever. Nobody really cares about that. Just have your shit together and have enough money to do fun stuff, and you’re good.
As a girl? Stupid easy, to the point where large, explicit notices in my OKCupid profile saying, “I am not looking for a relationship. I don’t want a relationship, or a fuck buddy, or a one-night stand. I want a friend, and I’m terrible at talking to people IRL” still results in attempts at dates. Which then result in extreme awkwardness when one party seems to think it’s a date, and the other doesn’t because said other party had a clause in their profile specifically saying, “I am not looking for a relationship.” And then the person never talks to you after that, because girls who aren’t going to fuck you/who you don’t want to fuck aren’t worth being friends with. Or I’m just that awkward in that environment. Both are possible.
Maybe OKCupid isn’t the best venue for that. Ahem. Anyway, TLDR: pretty easy if you’re a girl, and you’re not picky. Somewhat easier for a girl than a guy, as guys tend to approach. Getting a good date is harder as, but not really that hard.
Wrong! The first rule clearly states that if you have an outgoing personality and people flock to you for that reason you will have an easy time. Also, if you’re wealthy you’ll be fine even if you dress like a “shumck” or go to an indecent restaurant.
I appreciate your kind words, Becky2844. Spoon river, you did sound like an uncle, but uncles often have awesome advice, so thanks. And thanks to you too, Try2b. 
Touchy thing, I guess…
