IMO, yes – the difference then is that the person doesn’t realize it. They are lying to themselves, too.
I haven’t been advocating not letting it go – I’m the one saying “not my issue, not my problem to fix.”
I agree with picking our battles, but I disagree that being honest about not wanting to wear a bathing suit is exactly “expose our damaged souls” territory. That kind of lying indicates more than a usual amount of insecurity, to me, and I don’t think it’s too much to expect for a man my age or older to know himself well enough to be honest about stuff like that. But like I said, if he doesn’t know himself or is too insecure to be honest about the little things, I don’t push it or try to “fix” him – I just decide whether I want to keep dating him.
I’m very open about myself in those regards. If I’m uncomfortable with something, I’ll say so, including the reasoning. If anything, I think I’m too open with my partner. I’m of the belief that if you trust someone enough to come to love and want to share yourself with them, then they should be trust-worthy enough to confide in where personal insecurities/fears are concerned.
I have no problem with my partner having insecurities/fears, etc… so long as they’re honest about them. Like the bike-riding analogy… the first time or two, okay fine they just don’t feel like it. But when there’s always an excuse for it, no matter the time nor day… then yes of course you’re going to begin to wonder.
At that point, I think it’s important to try and talk about it and sort it out. Some people need that coaxing to get them to open up. Else, you let it just fester inside them as it gets worse and worse over time. At the risk of it being something that can affect a relationship negatively then I think you absolutely have to bring it up and talk about it.
You come across as rather overly personal and private.
The trouble with your take on it is that you’re assuming that the person is going to “get it” when you’re giving them these “get-by” answers, instead of just giving them the truth so it’s never an issue.
So, someone asks if you want to go sailing. You don’t want to because you have a fear of water. Instead of saying so you keep coming up with these little lies to get out of the situation each time… It works for a while, but after a time, the partner is going to know something’s up. Especially if it’s something they’re passionate about and they want to share the experience with you. If they’re at all concerned about it, they’re likely going to ask what the problem really is. What do you do then, bite their head off for “crossing a line” they didn’t know existed in the first place?
Fair enough. I think I may be confusing the issue. I wouldn’t bother to lie about why I don’t want to go to the beach, but because of that it would never occur to me that someone else was lying about why they don’t want to go to the beach. I can’t imagine why anyone would bother, so I take their reasons at face value. Add to that the fact that I don’t really feel that anyone owes me an explanation for why they don’t want to go to the beach, and I’m pretty much gonna grab my towel and head off by myself without another thought, let alone a dramatic confrontation.
Yeah, that wasn’t really aimed at you, or anyone in particular.
I think that’s the crux of it. I can see why the lying (and the insecurity!) would be irritating, but at some point, you’ve got to wonder why you’re picking at this person’s insecurities like scabs, when they clearly don’t want to share. You’ve got to either let it go, or end the relationship.
lupine73, I personally wouldn’t bother to lie about why I don’t want to go biking (I would just straight up tell him that I don’t like it), but I would also get really, *really * irritated if the person asking either wouldn’t accept that I don’t want to go biking, or insisted on delving deeply into the reasons that I don’t want to go biking. Not wanting to go biking is not an emotional disorder. If I told you that I don’t like it, that should really be sufficient. Sometimes there *is * no deeper reason.
“Overly” anything is relative. I *am * a private person, but that doesn’t mean that I’m neurotic. Under the right circumstances and with the right person, I’m willing to share almost anything. But the things that I prefer to keep to myself are not negotiable.
I am very honest with my partner about my insecurities, preferences, etc. And he is the same with me.
I am proud that we have a relationship in which we are open about our moods, wishes, preferences, etc. I am also very proud that we respect and love each other enough to compromise on most of our differences, and we find a way to make things work.
My husband doesn’t pry into “deeper” reasons, but he doesn’t have to, because I am pretty much an open book. And I don’t try to delve into his mind either, I take what he tells me at face value because I trust him completely.
