I don’t know why I’m writing this really, except that it’s late at night and if I try to go to sleep I’ll start thinking and then I’ll never stop crying. I’m very tired of crying, by now.
I considered censoring this tale but I figure: hey. If I’m going to tell a whole passel of strangers the intimate details of my life, why bother making them think you’re a bit less of a freak? They already are going to know that. So I might as well.
So. I’m this person, you know. I don’t have many “real-life” friends. Okay, let’s not beat around the bush. I don’t have any. It’s hard when you’re a teenage girl in a rural area and you left high school in 9th grade and you go to a college now where the median age is 33. Frankly, even when I was in high school I didn’t have many friends. I think it was partly because I was shy, and partly because I had no interest in most of the people in my school. None of them shared my interests, you see. At least – none that I could find. I regret it sometimes. I’m going to try to make some more friends, but I don’t really know where to start. That’s besides the point, though.
Everyone needs friends so I found them somewhere else: on the Internet. I live in the country near a small town in a small state. There wasn’t that much variety here. But I found variety on the internet. I found – you might call them soul mates, if you were dramatic. Two people, actually. I will call them K and X. I played this game, you see. It’s like Everquest, except with a closer community. And many friendships happened there, even for me. Especially for me. I had many friends, but these two were the closest.
The first, K, was a girl a few years younger than me. (I’m female too.) I met her around 3 years ago, and we quickly became friends. At first it was just staying up til 3 am chatting – the typical thing. Then we started calling each other. Eventually I went to go visit her. By myself. On a plane. To a strange land and strange place and strange family. Did I mention I’m very shy? But this girl and I were close. Close enough for me to conquer my shyness and do something even less timid people might be scared of. We had fun together and stayed close friends.
X is a guy. He’s around 3/4 of a year older than me. I wasn’t friends with him quite as long as I was with K – we became close friends, though – but it was mostly through K. We talked on the phone 3-way, and eventually all met each other, when he came to visit relatives in my state, and she came to visit my family. We had fun. But X and I were become closer… we talked all the time about everything, even without K. Life went on.
I should mention that K & X were ‘married’ on said game and K, at least, considered him her boyfriend or as close as you can get without knowing someone IRL. I don’t think he felt the same, for a long time. He had a girlfriend IRL, for a while. She didn’t know, at first. But then they (rl girlfriend and him, that is) broke up. Still, though K & X were a couple, they fought near-constantly. When they did, X went to me for friendship. Can you see where this is going? I should have.
For a long time, you see, I had my own ‘boyfriend.’ When we broke up, painfully and messily, I began spending more and more time with K & X. We were a team – the three musketeers. We spent all our free time together, just chatting for ages. We knew each other very well. I also spent a lot of time with X on his own. I should have seen it.
Can you see where this is going? Yeah. X & K still fought a lot. I thought for sure they’d break up, actually. They were never close or romantic – just seemed like good friends. Excuses, excuses. It doesn’t matter. I fell in love with X. I never mentioned my feelings, of course, or displayed them in the slightest. I was very careful. It didn’t hurt me that much, for a long time.
But then, you see, X & K then reconciled. After we all met IRL, they became much more “in love” to the point of neglecting me. Yeah, the same old story. Maybe I could have borne it, if it wasn’t for the fact that I was in love with X – desperately, painfully, futilely. Maybe not. K was my best friend after all, and she started neglecting me for X. He neglected me too, though to a smaller degree.
And K has never been easy to get a long with. There was a final argument and I broke contact with her completely. I was so angry – my anger was real. But part of the reason I could abandon a friendship with someone so important was that I couldn’t stand to see K & X together anymore. Loving remarks or gestures hurt far too much, a knife through my heart. As long as I was angry at K, I thought, I might as well nurse my anger. I forgave her a lot; I always had. I couldn’t, anymore.
It was hard. Khad been my best friend for so long. It was hard on X, too. Trying to divide his attention between both of us: we were near best friends by this time, even without K. I’m afraid I did not make it easy for him. We started fighting, a lot, me and X; we had never fought before. I was desperately jealous, of course. I tried to hide it, I tried to deal with it, but every sign of his preference for K hurt me so much I started to become physically ill – I literally started throwing up. So I’d start fights with him. Not on purpose, but they always became fights. And this went on and on and on, and we always made up, but he was becoming sick of it, terribly sick, because he didn’t understand why I was doing this to him. He couldn’t, of course. I never told him it was because I loved him.
So, life went on, with a fight every week and the rest of the time happy. Every fight I convinced him it’d be different. Every time I convinced myself that. But it never was. X juggled K & my friendships quite well. But the fights became more and more frequent. Eventually, I had enough. We were on the end side of a particularly bad argument – we were just starting to reconcile – and I cracked. I had to tell him the truth. I couldn’t do this again, and I knew, that I was going to start another fight over some petty reason. I knew it, like I’d never known it before.
So I told him the truth. That I had had these fights because I was in love with him and desperately jealous. I never told him for obvious reasons. I was sure he’d be uncomfortable and maybe even feel guilty around us. I thought it would poison the easy camaraderie we had – like I was a male buddy. I was sure it would ruin our friendship.
And it did, but for a different reason. He was furious at me for ‘lying’ to him, as he said. Was it lying? I never thought it so, any more than not telling the bitchy coworker exactly what you think of her was lying. It was surviving as a human being. But he thought it was lying, and he was furious at me for making him think the fights were ‘his fault.’ There were many reasons he thought that but this is already far too long. It doesn’t matter anyway. But the thing is, he hates me now. Past reason, past placation, past hope.
Both of my best friends are gone. I have other aquaintances on the Internet, other friends, but I feel so alone. I’ve burnt my bridges. I’ve tried and tried to reconcile with him, but he will not. I’ve considered trying to mend things with K, but deep down I’m still angry at her for shoving my friendship aside in the blush of ‘new love.’ I cannot forgive it.
I miss X terribly. I miss telling him what I did that day, I miss his laughter, I miss the private jokes we shared and the way we could understand each other so terribly easily – the way people who have known each other for a very long time fit so well. I miss him so much. I miss K to a lesser degree, though like I said, I cannot really forgive her. She never apologized, you see.
But X cannot forgive me, though I apologize a million times. Though I tried to explain. And here I am, alone. And what can I do? I go on, like they say. And I tell myself “This too shall pass.” I will make new friends, I will make a new life, I can do it, I can do anything. But I miss him so terribly. I don’t want to forget him.
And thank you for reading it (if you got this far) because I had to tell someone. Maybe if I write it enough I will accept it and then it will stop hurting and I can start to heal. I just feel dead inside right now, between the tears.
[sub]I don’t want to forget him and let him go. I miss him. I miss him. [/sub]