How I love a great review of a truly awful(-sounding) film!

[Askance]

Madonna’s Filth and Wisdom, according to The Grauniad:

Madonna has been a terrible actor in many films and now - fiercely aspirational as ever - she has graduated to being a terrible director. She has made a movie so incredibly bad that Berlin festivalgoers were staggering around in a state of clinical shock, mewing like maltreated kittens.

She is also the producer and co-author of the script. If she had done the location catering as well, they would have had a Jonestown situation on their hands.

Post your great reviews of bad films!

[Hal_Briston]

It hasn’t been updated in a couple of years, but there are a ton of great reviews over at Jabootu’s Bad Movie Reviews.

Another gold mine is Roger Ebert’s I Hated, Hated, Hated This Movie.

[RealityChuck]

Ebert’s original review of The Brown Bunny was a classic (it’s been removed from his web page, since he rereviewed a revised version later and thought it was pretty good). It had one classic line. The director, for some reason, made some reference to the fact that Ebert had a colonoscopy. Ebert replied (roughly):

“Yes, I had a colonoscopy. They let me watch it on a TV monitor. It was more entertaining than The Brown Bunny.”

The Jobootu review of Battlefield Earth is a classic, and I think that movie spawned more entertainingly bad reviews than any other.

[The_Punkyova]

@Hal Briston

It hasn’t been updated in a couple of years, but there are a ton of great reviews over at Jabootu’s Bad Movie Reviews.

That’s because he moved the site. It’s now here.

[porcupine]

@Hal Briston

Another gold mine is Roger Ebert’s I Hated, Hated, Hated This Movie.

Another book of Ebert’s good reviews of bad movies: Your Movie Sucks.

[DesertDog]

I kind of liked P.J. O’Roarke’s pocket review of Independence Day: Space aliens destroy Washington D.D. Then they get hostile.

[Scissorjack]

The Agony Booth is a pretty damn funny site for scathing reviews of shit films. Just be prepared to waste your entire work day there.

[Koxinga]

It’s been a while since I read it regularly, but Mr. Cranky has had funny reviews in the past:
http://www.mrcranky.com/rentals.html

[Fern_Forest]

What was that website that had stuff like that? I think it was set up by a guy named Lars who was from Sweden. He also created funny name generators and other stuff. He stopped updating his site several years ago, I hope it hasn’t been deleted. I remember he had a strange name he used to review movies and that his review of things like The Phantom Menace were really funny.

[Tapioca_Dextrin]

@DesertDog

Space aliens destroy Washington D.D.

Is Ms. D.D an adult film performer?

Anyhoo, back on topic, Lucius Shepherd really lets you know when he doesn’t like a movie.

Guess the film:-

So, directed by a man who has never made a film deeper than a drainage ditch; starring an actor who in every role he essays reminds us of a plumbing outfitter we once saw in a local staging of Bus Stop; based on a Dan Brown novel that strives in its retarded fashion to whip up liturgy and scholarship into a bowl of nutritionless gruel that “everybody can understand” but will drive anyone with a shred of brain tissue mad with despair over the death of the artistic ideal in our culture; funded by an aesthetic that presupposes the audience to consist of congenital idiots who must be led by the hand through the script’s countless subtleties lest they suddenly wake to the fact that they’re alone in the dark with bright flicky-flicky pictures on the screen and wet themselves . . . it’s pointless to review such a film.

[Caught_Work]

@Fern Forest

What was that website that had stuff like that? I think it was set up by a guy named Lars who was from Sweden. He also created funny name generators and other stuff. He stopped updating his site several years ago, I hope it hasn’t been deleted. I remember he had a strange name he used to review movies and that his review of things like The Phantom Menace were really funny.

http://www.brunching.com/

[cantara]

Sorry for the semi-hijack (off topic, but still topical)…

I caught the news item last night…apparently the budget for the film was so small…that gal pal Britney donated her songs to the project.

bwuh? Mega-multimillionaires Madonna/Guy Ritchie were unable to donate any proceeds/music to the project that she apparently felt previously left her life unfulfilled? I guess she figured that Brits burning through her money anyway, might as well get in on the action.

[Jophiel]

Ebert’s review of Wolf Creek is still classic. My favorite is the ending:

The theaters are crowded right now with wonderful, thrilling, funny, warm-hearted, dramatic, artistic, inspiring, entertaining movies. If anyone you know says this is the one they want to see, my advice is: Don’t know that person no more.

[Fern_Forest]

@Caught@Work

http://www.brunching.com/

Ahh, thanks a lot Caught@Work, that’s him, The Self-Made Critic. I always enjoyed reading his reviews.

[Talon_Karrde]

The It’s a Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad Movie section at Rinkworks has some good ones, but hasn’t been updated in a while. There are some great user submitted ones too.

[mbh]

Joe Bob Briggs’ review of Frankenhooker is a classic.

http://www.joebobbriggs.com/drivein/1990/frankenhooker.htm

But this is not just another exploding-head flick. This is a romantic comedy. I’m not kidding. It’s a black comedy, but it’s so far beyond black that it’s more like a black-hole comedy. It’s a movie that will probly get laughs on Friday nights at the Nevada State Institute for the Criminally Insane. And, as you all know, that’s the highest compliment I ever give.

[ForumBot]

My favorite bad review is of The Dukes of Hazard:

@http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2005/08/05/DDGVDE2EL31.DTL&type=movies

Soon, her father comes home and gets out the shotgun, and we’re launched on a chase scene, technically the movie’s first. This is where the movie derails, though that’s only clear in retrospect. The Dukes are in one car, and their pursuers are in another. The pursuers are shooting at them, but they miss. Everything bad that follows can be traced to that one flaw in marksmanship.

[Khadaji]

@Fern Forest

Ahh, thanks a lot Caught@Work, that’s him, The Self-Made Critic. I always enjoyed reading his reviews.

Yeah, one of the many features of the Shuttlecocks that I miss. That one may be my favorite though.

[Quartz]

Sounds like Uwe Boll has some competition at last.

[Askance]

Another great review of bad movies: Great Turkeys of our Time, in which our hero defends Paris Hilton’s latest, The Hottie And The Nottie, as not worthy of being considered in the company of the worst movies of all time. The last 4 paragraphs reveal the author’s nomination for the worst movie ever, and are worth reading even if you skip the rest.