It took me a few weeks to stop crying but thirty plus years later, I still remember. If something fantastical had happened later in my life to eclipse it I might have forgotten, but it didn’t.
Of course it all depends: on you, on the seriousness of the relationship, on why the breakup occurred, etc…
In my experience, it’s been like this:
#years in relationship = #months to get over it
That said, I still love(to some degree) every woman I’ve ever loved.
OP here. So much has happened since I last wrote. That is to say there is a sequel to the story.
After not seeing her for 2 months, and having had absolutely no contact with her for 1 month, on February 13th, one day before St. Valentine’s day, out of the blue I received an e-mail from her.
She asked me if we could meet on-line and chat. So a couple of days later, our schedules permitted us a video call on Skype. She told me that not having contact “was not working” for her. I was not exactly sure what she meant by this… but having this contact with her had the possibility of re-awaking all the old feelings.
I had one question in my mind: “Why is this night different from all other nights?”. Seriously, I asked her; “Why is this time going to be different from all the other times?”. She considered the question and had no coherent answer for me.
We spent the next 3 weeks skyping like this. It was intense. It appeared that we had fallen in love once again. We would spend hours just looking at each other, trying to pass thru the screen and touch.
Finally in early March I said: “I have to see you”. We live about 1000 km apart, a plane ride away. She agreed. We decided on a visit of 7 days.I bought my plane ticket and so on March 9th I flew out to see her.
Hang on.. you can’t just stop there. And? What happened? How did it go?
Enquiring minds demand to know! I hope it was a good week that became more than a week!
I’m thinking it’s pretty clear what must have happened here.
She stole his car, embezzled his empire and harvested his organs!
This. I’m not sure indifference will ever be achievable for me, personally…I still love everyone I ever loved, but it changes, becomes a different kind of love. It becomes further away in some regards, less intense, less emotional. I went through a divorce a few years ago and there were times I thought the pain would never stop. Two relationships later and I can say that while the hurt still comes up, it doesn’t prevent me from moving forward.
That’s the main thing you should avoid, thinking that you can’t move forward. If it hurts, let it hurt, get it out, and then pick yourself back up again and take a few steps forward. Sometimes progress requires you falling flat on your ass, or taking a few steps backwards, but eventually your progress catches up with you and you start moving forward again.
Fuck love.
Every time I read Dune, I read one of the seminal phrases as “Hope is the heart-killer”. It’s why relationships with no hope whatsoever are easier to get passed, and ones that just…drift…the 'what if?'s keep you going.
Decide for yourself what it is, and work from there. Don’t pant and chase after it; carry on. If it’s impossible, then it’s impossible. If it becomes possible later, you’ll know. But for now? Walk on. Let the wound heal on it’s own; it’ll take time, but it’ll take a LOT longer if you pick at it.
It’s also different for the same person at different points in their life, depending on a whole slew of circumstances at the time (including what the relationship was like, how/why it ended, how much and what quality of support you get from friends/family, what baggage/history you bring to it, what other stressors are currently going on… the list is endless).
From personal experience, the shortest was one month (we were together for over a year), the longest was five years (we were together for less than six months). So you can see there’s no set formula for this.
Yep. In the meantime, it really, really sucks, but honestly I’ve found no magic bullet to get through it other than to wait it out. There is no “how,” it happens when you’re ready, and there’s no way to force it or know when. Sorry… just keep your head down and hold on. And find your support network in the meantime. They can’t make it better, but they can make it more bearable while you’re waiting.
Bah, didn’t notice it was a zombie thread.
I’ll just add, you’re best off making a clear decision about being together, or not. Because wavering / on-again-off-again is HELL.
I think you have that backwards.
Regards,
Shodan
Where do I begin? Are there really any happy endings in this universe?
We spent 7 days together.
Two days before flying out to see her, she got cold feet. This I learnt after arriving. I learnt more about her than I had known before. The true centre of her personality is “withhold”. That the word “commitment” is anathema. That her PMT is brutal. I tried to help her through it, but only received abuse.
I thought: do i really want her to be the mother of my children?
We had brilliant moments, we had horrible moments. At times we fit together like Siamese twins. But she couldn’t handle that. The day after she would always freak out, telling me she wished I weren’t there.
I had hoped for a romantic week. Instead I got a bi-polar version of Juana la Loca.
The healing process begins anew.
Hi Bardos, the best advice I can give you is to go to Loveshack. LoveShack.org Community Forums
The forum name may seem a little inane but trust me, there are hundreds of good empathetic people there who will share your pain. Lots of sound advice and patience.
My sympathies and kindest wishes to you.
I’m sorry that happened to you. Could have told you it probably would, but unlikely you’d have paid any attention anyway.
But really glad that you are now the one now going “well hold on just a minute”.
I suggest you just walk away now. No more contact at all. Ignore, or reply politely but curtly, to any new emails, and never initiate anything again. It’ll hurt for weeks, but it’s still more like ripping off a band-aid than keeping in contact and having your expectations fucked with.
It’s been four years for me now and I still think of her from time to time. Usually accompanied by the involuntary words “fucking bitch whore cow”. Apart from one 2,000 word diatribe I sent her following her messing with my brain and asking if she could see me again (while she was with the guy she left me for), to which she never replied, I have never voluntarily had any contact with her. It’s best that way.
I second Loveshack. Lots of good advice (not that I paid any attention - at first).
ETA: just in case you are inadvertently insulted, “unlikely you’d have paid any attention” is not a slam on you, but an observation of pretty much everyone who’s been in your situation.
The reverse ain’t bad either.
I don’t think I have much to add. I really like what elbows said. Visualization and empathy, mentalization stuff, can really help with negative experiences of all kinds.
I still haven’t gotten over my first GF 100%. Sigh.
bardos, I checked your profile to see if you were male or female. Didn’t find out, but saw this: “bardos has not made any friends yet”.
So I sent you a friends request just to make that go away.
My experience is that it helps women to talk to their friends about a broken heart. But if you’re going on too much about it, see a therapist. It helps.
What seems to help men is going out drinking with their buddies.
Either way, ya gotta have friends.
I am still having the hardest time getting over my last bf. I went back to him and left three times. I think this last time I went completely insane. I was writing the most sorrowful poetry, dating anybody I found remotely attractive (10 dates the first week I left him) and I pretended not to care when he emailed me. I felt psycho. Now I have nothing left to talk about with him at all. So I don’t. Fortunately I can never contact a guy out of the blue so that fear helps a lot.
Concentrating on improving my life has been a tool that I have always used. I am now learning French again (years since High School), listening to “strong woman” songs and exercising regularly. Hanging out with new dates and consciously not talking about him also really helps me to forget.
I am not a fan of the notion of “getting over” something…same for “let it go” or “move on.” Here’s why: I feel like those phrases all imply dismissing a part of one’s life. I feel like it would be like taking a book, yanking out a few chapters, and then telling someone to read it. I don’t believe that the goal should be to “get over” something, but rather to “integrate” it. Meaning, what we usually want is to be able to think of something without having the intense emotional reactivity accompanying that thought. Allow yourself time to feel all the feelings that come with any loss–breakups can have the same physiological effects as a death of a loved one–and know that it’s all temporary. You’ve survived other losses in your life, and soon this “is” will be a “was.”
Nicely said and I agree. “Moving on” and similar phrases seem so empty and irrational to me. Better to accept the pain is real and it needs to be lived through than to pretend it can be dismissed with some pat phrase.