How long to wait before proposal?

Shouldn’t have said “planning on losing her to”
Should have said “worried about losing her to”

sorry for all the double posts

Getting marrried is expensive, be sure you can afford the wedding & living with her first.

You never know, she might ask you first.

Longer! :wink:

Wow. Good advice from handy?!! Take that seriously, Vaioman, it’s a once in a lifetime thing - or at least, a once in 12 000 post thing… :slight_smile: Just kidding, really. I actually kinds enjoy reading his posts :slight_smile:
Anyways, I agree with those who said to wait. I’ve been with my SO for 2 years, and plans to marry are still quite far off (I say 3-5 years from now, he says 10-20 :)). We met in our last semester at college, and now have gone through two years of university together, and we have both changed a LOT. In a good way, and our relationship is stronger, but there were some rough spots and other details that needed to be ironed out in order for us to be as happy as we are. Wait it out, and make sure its RIGHT before you get married.

Still, I’m happy to see that you’ve found someone to care about (and who cares about you), and I wish you two all the best!

I have no way of knowing whether you’re too young or not, but I’d like to put in a vote for not “surprising” her with a proposal, or even a promise ring. I really think you should talk seriously with her about how you feel, and what you’re thinking about for the future, and let her tell you what she wants or expects from the relationship. Maybe I’m just not romantic, but I’m always sort of amazed that people actually “propose” (in the getting-down-on-one-knee etc. sense). If you’re communicating with each other, you know where you each want to be headed, and there’s no need for a suprise or an announcement–you decide together that you want to make the commitment. Buying an expensive piece of jewelry and surprising her is a good way to set yourself up for a disappointment. It doesn’t seem as exciting or romantic to sit down and discuss it, but I think good communication is a must for any long-term relationship.

To echo a previous poster’s words:

Wait until after college, at least in my opinion. Why? Because you don’t know how your tastes and personality will change over that time period, even more so if you’re going away to college and won’t be around your family and her a lot of time during that time period. You also don’t know how she will change while you’re busy with college. Who knows, you may change in such a way as to deepen the relationship, there may be no change in the relationship, or it may hit the rocks. At least with putting off any decisions, you leave both of you a way out.

It’ll cost you nothing but time and perhaps a small amount of heartache to wait, but it would cost more to make a hasty decision now. If she’s truely the one for you, and she feels the same way, she’ll wait.

(I’ll leave out parts about talking with her, etc., since others have covered this far better than I could!)

<< If all else fails, use a bigger hammer! >>

Vaioman, if your girlfriend has at all indicated that she feels hesitant or wants to wait, don’t propose yet. It puts her in a dreadful position. She loves you and doesn’t want to hurt you, and popping the question might will make her a) say yes when she’s not completely, absolutely, no-question-of-a-doubt sure or b)hurt you by saying no.

Believe me, babe, I know whereof I speak. My beloved SO that I’ve been dating for 3 years proposed recently. I burst into tears, but they weren’t tears of joy. I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I can’t be someone’s wife right now. There’s too much else going on in my life that I have to figure out. Saying “not yet” was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I had to be honest with him and myself. Give yourself and your girlfriend time.

IE: You don’t buy a car until you drive it.

My opinion:

Engagement and marriage are steps in life, not only relationships. I feel like my relationship with my SO is ready for engagement (we have talked about it, and we do plan on always staying together) but I feel that at this point in my life, I am not ready to “be engaged”.

The point is, take things at your own pace. There’s no need to “be engaged” if you feel you want to be with her forever.

My viewpoints on marriage are rather conservative (as to when, I don’t give much of a frig as to who marries who. :stuck_out_tongue: ), so I would have to say after you get a Bachlers minimum, and can afford a big huge ass engagement ring without even a noticable drop in your bank account. (or even better from just the amount of ‘spare’ cash you carry on hand. :slight_smile: )

This would require getting rich first and earning buttloads of cash, which is actualy a pretty darn good goal to aim for anyways. :slight_smile:

The impression I’m getting is that you’re still in high school. Is that correct? Do not propose until you’ve graduated, at the very least. Unlike a lot of others around here, I was married young, 20 and my husband was 21. We dated for 1 year and got married less than two months after we announced it to our parents. We’re still married after 8 years now, and neither of us regrets a thing.

But, you mentioned that she and you live with her mom. Make sure you can afford to live on your own before you get married. Marriage is a grown-up thing, and it should have grown-up responsibilities to go with it, like making your own way in the world.

My advice? Wait. There are so many things that can go wrong…

  1. You grow out of it. You’re still pretty young, you shouldn’t tie yourself down with marriage just yet! It would be pretty devastating to marry her and find out that she felt pressured into it, or that you both managed to fall “out of love” with each other. I know, I know, you say she is the love of your life, but, honestly, most of us find out later that what we want at your age isn’t what we want as we’ve fully matured. I’m not saying you’re just a kid with insignificant feelings, I’m just tossing an opinion at you.

  2. I would also advise using birth control. I know you said that you weren’t to that point yet in your relationship, but should you finally make that step, imagine how horrible it would be to get her pregnant and feel forced into marriage! Not only that, but the sheer cost of parenting is far more than the two of you can make, most likely, unless you have a few thousand in the bank and fairly decent, stable jobs.

  3. Make absolutely sure she has the same feelings for you. It would be terrible to pour your heart out over this girl just to find out that she didn’t quite feel the same for you and felt pressured into marriage.

Marriage is a huge step in life. Don’t rush into it or it can easily become one hell of a traumatizing experience for both sides. Also, you said you were afraid of losing her? If you are, you may not want to jump into marriage just in case you do end up losing her. Neither side should feel rushed or pressured.

Baby + Marriage + Divorce = psychiatrist and lots of money.

And, once again, you say you’re totally and utterly in love with this girl, but under the right circumstances or mental maturity, you just might find another who is even better for you or even more compatible.
You can say she’s the right one for you, but will you be saying that two years down the line after you’ve met another that seems more in tune with your personality?

Sorry for my seemingly negative reply, but I felt that I had to address the not-so-happy side of marriages at a young age. I’m not saying all young marriages go terribly wrong, but at such a young age, I’m not totally sure you can make that decision as your body is still maturing mentally, hormonally, and physically. As a young adult myself, I’ve seen a few of my similarly-aged friends get into hideously terrible marriages and baby marriages! So, uh, in one word here: WAIT.

I’d say wait at least a little bit longer. I’m coming off a relationship “divorce” where I was with my ex for over 5 years, but it just never felt perfect. What it came down to was the lack of similar goals for our future. Make sure you and your girlfriend want the same things…if you don’t, it can be overcome in some cases, but it all depends on how strong your future goals are.

My ex and I would probably have gotten married last year, if we’d been able to agree on having kids. My ultimate goal in life is to have a family, and she said she never wanted kids…ever. So, we both kind of hoped things would change, and they never did…and we fell out of love with each other. If we’d gotten married, I’m sure we could have been happy for a few more years, but eventually, I’d have gone nuts without even the chance for a family, and we’d have divorced.

So, I tell you that just to say: If you do propose any time soon, be absolutley sure. Sometimes love is enough…sometimes (like in my case) it isn’t.


Not that anyone here needs my 2am clarity, but yea, hold up a bit.

You have a great relationship - Great! Enjoy what you have. Marriage is a huge growing up step that you don’t have to take right now. Yea! Be 18. Love it. You have ages and ages to be grown up and married. You have exactly one year to be 18.

(For your information, I’m 20, seriously dating a 32 yr old and while its pretty possible he’s my guy, we’re not getting blood tested any time soon.)

I think some others have pointed out something important- as romantic as a surprise ring sounds, the people in a truly stable and ready relationship won’t have to ask, they will have talked it all over beforehand.

Vaioman, I suggested waiting based on my own personal experiences. You know your situation better than us, and may think it’s better to go ahead.

I met my husband at high school, when we were both 14. We have been best friends since then. We moved in together at 18 and got engaged a few months later. 4 and a half years after the engagement we were married. Our friendship (and love) lasted through a lot of things (he got kicked out of my high school, we worked at the same job, attended different universities, travelled overseas for a year -> together 24/7) that could quite easily have ended our relationship… There are so many points in our lives that we can grow and change, and fortunately each point had us growing together, not apart, though it could quite easily have been the other way. I was not going to marry him until I was 100% sure and able to give him my all. Maybe that’s what your girlfriend is thinking ?

What I’m trying to say is to meet a few of life’s challenges, and see if you both grow together or apart. Give it time. By all means, let her know how you feel, but don’t push it. But, if you’re both sure, go for it. Regret is the one thing I dread.

Age, schmage.

It all comes down to how LONG you’ve known each other.

We met when I was 17, he was 16. We got engaged two years later, and married a year and a half after that. I was 21 by then, he was 19.

Things are good, no, great even.

So worry more about how long you’ve known each other, rather than how old you are.

After reading all the responses, I have decided that waiting will be beneficial, not because I don’t want to, mind you, but because I don’t think she wants to right now. I -do not- want to force her into anything she doesn’t want to do. I want to wait until she is completely ready, and after talking to her about it the other day, I am not sure if she ever will be. To be honest, though, I am content with not being married. I know that it is a BIG step on many levels, but now that I understand that she isn’t necessarily hesitant because of me, I feel better, to say the least.

Just to clarify a few things, I am 18, in ‘college’
I say ‘college’ because it is one of those 18 month tech schools that gives you an associates degree, and I have heard bad things (only after getting accepted) about not being able to find a job with said degree. I think it is most likely because of the area I live in and the lack of Tech jobs in this state.
I still call my mothers house ‘home,’ but I don’t go there very often.
We met a good while ago, maybe when I was 15… Actually, we technically didn’t meet then, but I remember seeing her around alot, it was like love at first site. Unfortunately, though, she was always around her male friends (one of which I thought was a boyfriend) so I could never -really- meet her because I didn’t want to be rude and approach a girl that was with her boyfriend, you know? We really met (actual talking involved^^) about a year ago, and it has been getting better ever since. I know this may seem far-fetched, but I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I have -never- met a girl like her. I can honestly say that she is the love of my life, even at such a young age.