How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on what you want it changed into.
Q: How many (insert name of your rival college or university here) students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he gets four hours’ credit for it.
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to mix the gin and tonics and one to call the electrician.
How many radical feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, and IT’S NOT FUNNY!
How many actuaries does it take to change a light bulb?
How many did it take last year?
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only two, but don’t ask me how you get them in there.
How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to not change the lightbulb.
How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one. But it takes the entire hospital emergency teem to get it back out. 
How many dopers does it take to change a lightbulb?
189
1 to post a question in GQ asking how to change a lightbulb.
1 to give the straight dope, A)unscrew burnt bulb B)Screw in new bulb.
15 that disagree with the procedures and offer alternative methods.
1 to moderator to haul the thread to Grat Debates.
28 dopers to debate unscrewing techniques, light bulb brands, thermodynamics of incandescent filament lightbulbs, etc.
1 Reeder to open a thread blaming Bush for the burn lightbulb.
14 to participate on a MPSIM thread sharing lightbulb change related life experiences.
48 on a Cafe Society thread discussing the role of lightbulbs in Film Noir between 1952 and 1954.
2 to start pigheaded arguments on an irrelevant hijack.
1 of them to open a Pit thread to bitch at will to the other doper.
76 to pile on.
1 Lynn Bodoni to close the odious trainwreck.
How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they’ll just sit in the dark and bitch!
How man Vietnam Vets?
YOU CAN’T KNOW MAN, YOU WEREN’T THERE!!
How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
300
12 to sit on the Board which appoints the Nominating and Personnel Committee.
5 to sit on the the Nominating and Personnel Committee which appoints the House Committtee.
8 to sit on the House Committtee which appoints the Light Bulb changing committee.
4 to sit on the Light Bulb Changing Committee which chooses who will screw in the Light Bulb.
Those 4 then give their own opinion of “screwing in methods” while the one actually does the installation.
After completion it takes 100 individuals to complain about the method of installation, another 177 to debate the ecological impact of using the light bulb at all, and at least one to insist that back in hir day, the lit chalice was quite enough, thankyouverymuch!
How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
CHANGE!?!?!?!?!?!? Why should we change? Why, my GREAT GRANDMOTHER gave that lightbulb to this church!
Oh good, nobody’s done my favorite …
How many theoretical quantum physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. One to screw in the bulb, one to hold the ladder, and one to renormalize the wave function.
(Anyone who gets this is officially a physics geek.)
How many TV newscast producers does it take to change a light bulb.
Just one, but she keeps changing it and changing it and changing it. . .
(this one best told by a director after said producer has changed the newscast rundown for the nth time)
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Four:
[ul]
[li]One to change the bulb[/li][li]Two to discuss the violation of the light socket[/li][li]One to secretly wish she was the light socket[/li][/ul]
I know there’s a great answer to this one, but I haven’t heard it yet. I’ve been asking people for years:
q. How many White American Males does it take to change a light bulb?
There’s gotta be a great answer, anybody?
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
How many New Yorkers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None of your goddamn business!
Four.
One to do the work, one to certify OSHA standards for the workplace, and two to fill out the environmental impact statement.
Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.
But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!
IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS… I’m sorry… what did you ask me?
How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
How many truck drivers does it take to change a light bulb?
That hasn’t been determined. One goes, the rest follow, and you’re there forever, it seems.
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, lawyers only screw their clients.
Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin’s real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance; one to object; one to demur; two to research precedents; one to dictate a letter; one to stipulate; five to turn in their time cards; one to depose; one to write interrogatories; two to settle; one to order a secretary to change the bulb; and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
Q: How many ‘Real Women’ does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A ‘Real Woman’ would have plenty of Real Men around to do it.
Q: How many believable, competent, "just-right-for-the-job’’ presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It’s going to be a dark 4 years, isn’t it?
Ok, so How many service reps does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends. 2 from the hours of 8 am till 4 pm. 1 from the hours of 2 pm to 11 pm. When’s your appointment?
Q: How many Help Desk representatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: PC Repair has received your mail concerning your hardware problem and has assigned your request Service Order Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this case of trouble. As soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.
Q.) How many stoners does it take to change a light bulb?
A.) 10. one to hold the bulb and 9 to toke until the world starts spinnninnnnggg…
CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY - How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only 1
Hands are already in the air.
Pentecostal: 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None
Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians 3
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons: 5
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians:
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.
Nazarene: 6
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None
Lutherans don’t believe in change.
Amish:
What’s a light bulb?
(Note: No offense meant to anyone’s faith.)
How many artists from the surrealist movement does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to hold the yak, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored bicycles.
Q. How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for changing the bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the “look and feel” of the bulb changing method.
How many Floridians does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows. They’re still counting!
How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. Got a problem with it?
How many hillbillies does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to write a song about how good the old bulb was!
Q: How many waitresses does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: Three. Two to stand around bitching about it and one to go get the manager.
How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?
1,328:
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
53 to flame the spell checkers
41 to correct spelling / grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it’s “lightbulb” or “light bulb”
… another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is “lamp”
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that “light bulb” is perfectly correct
156 to email the participant’s ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their “acceptable use policy”
109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped
111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
27 to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL’s
3 to post about links they found from the URL’s that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add “Me too”
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
19 to quote the “Me too’s” to say “Me three”
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
44 to ask what is a “FAQ”
4 to say “Didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”
143 to say “Do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs”
1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
Q: How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Real Men aren’t afraid of the dark.
Q: How many Yuppies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it needs a spectacular twist at the end.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb?
One little tablet, and it’s a whole new bulb.
How many musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don’t know, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I’ll fake it.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five, one to change the bulb and four to hold the lead guitarist out of the light.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young. We’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
German Shepherd: I’ll guard the light bulb while you decide. Back off!
Dachshund: I can’t reach the stupid light!
Toy Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go ahead–make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Leave it for the servants.
Lab: ME!, ME! Pleeeeeeze let ME change the bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.
Chow Chow: I’m with the Malamute. After I take my nap, that is!
Akita: I’m with the Chow and Malamute! What’s for dinner?
Jack Russell Terrier or Wire-haired Fox Terrier: I can reach it! I just KNOW I can reach it! Give me another twenty jumps,… and it’s mine, ALL mine!
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
Kelpie: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, rrrrriiiiiiight there!