How Many _____ Does It Take...?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

  1. How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.

  2. How many LAPD officers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to shoot the light bulb and the other to swear that the light bulb shot first.

  3. How many Texas Aggies does it take to change a light bulb? 100. One to hold the bulb and 99 to rotate the house.

  4. How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the light bulb and another to kill him and take credit for the job.

  5. How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb? Fill out form 99/34rfth-mm8 in Triplicate and we’ll get back to you by the 29th of next month.

  6. How many skeptics does it take to change a light bulb? Until I see the light bulb for myself, I refuse to believe there even IS a light bulb.

  7. How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Brown.

  8. How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? Jesus is my light.

Any more?

>< DARWIN >
__L___L

2

Damn it! This should be in MPSIMS.

>< DARWIN >
__L___L

3

How many grad students does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes ten years.

How many art students does it take to change a light bulb? One but they want 4 credits.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, that’s a hardware problem.

Oh, I’m gonna keep using these #%@&* codes 'til I get 'em right.

4

How many electric bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the piano player can do it with his left hand.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five, one to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five, one to change the bulb and four to tell him how much better they would have done it.

How many trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he’ll do it too loudly.

How many French horn does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he’ll spend two hours checking for alignment and leaks.

How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, one to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room spins.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have a machine to do that.

How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They can’t get that high.

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but the guitarist has to show him first.

How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.

How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
“Don’t worry about the changes. We’ll fake it!”

Mr. K’s Link of the Month:

The Enchanted World of Rankin-Bass

5

I have closed this thread and moved it to MPSIMS.

6

How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Californians don’t screw in lightbulbs, they screw in hottubs!

7

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it most of the way in, and one to give it that interesting twist at the end.

How many Psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many do you feel it would take?

How many people with low self esteem does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What do you mean by that?

How many lawyers does it take?
All of them that find out something is getting screwed will want to be part of it, and they want 50% of the light afterwords.

8

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: That’s not funny.

9

Last night, I was looking at MPSIMS, then I went over to General Questions and then I remembered I wanted to start this topic. So I did it without going BACK to MPSIMS.

“D’oh!”

How many wives does it take to change a light bulb? “Honey! Will you change this light bulb for me, Sweetie? I won’t interrupt your football game if you do.”

>< DARWIN >
__L___L

10

How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None.

Jewish mother: “Don’t worry about me. You go do whatever it is that’s so important. I’ll just sit here in the dark.”

(This was one of my Jewish mother’s favorite Jewish mother jokes :))

“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” - Anne Frank

11

Q: How many student athletes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two; one to screw it in, and one to get work-study credit for it.

Q: How many student radicals does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three; one to screw it in, and two demand it be turned further to the left.

Q: How many environmentalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Fifty; one to screw it in, and forty-nine to argue about how to dispose of the old one.
A2: None; torches are much less harmful to the environment.

12

Q: How many generals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but the problem is getting them in there.

JMCJ

Die, Prentiss, Die! You will never have a more glorious opportunity!

13

Q) How many unix admins does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A) Why would you want a lightbulb? Darkness is mouch more efficient, and I can script it.

The best lack all conviction
The worst are full of passionate intensity.
*

14

Q. How many cockroaches does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. We don’t know, because they always scatter as soon as the light comes on.

Q. How many cinematographers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Three: one to order a PA to screw the bulb in and two more to argue about how it should be lit.

Live a Lush Life
Da Chef

15

How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb? They don’t, they change the standard to darkness and upgrade the customers. How many Irish men does it take to change a light bulb? 15, one to hold on to the light bulb and the rest to drink whiskey untill the room spins.

16

Q: How many editors of Poor Richard’s Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.

Q: How many quality engineers does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: None. quality engineers replace only dark bulbs.

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I’ll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: About one third less than for a regular bulb.

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.

“There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.”
~P.J. O’Rourke~

17

Multiple Personality lightbulb jokes from an MP friend of mine.

How many alters does it take to change a lightbulb?

As many as will: one to change the bulb, one to change it back, three to argue over whether they want it light or dark, one to throw the lightbulb against the wall to hear it crash, one to clean up the mess, four to go shopping for new bulbs and come home with stockings, licorce, Disney movies, popcorn and masking tape, one who insists it “IS” the lightbulb and doesn’t understand why everyone always wants it to change and can’t it just be itself etc…
How many alters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Four— 1 to screw in the lightbulb, 1 to watch the screwing in of the lightbulb, 1 to deny the screwing in of the lightbulb ever happened, and 1 to repress the memory.

How many dissociatives does it take to change a light bulb?

A1) What?
A2) None. Something horrible will happen if I try.
A3) None - I can hallucinate just fine without light.
A4) We need to buy more plants.
StG

18

How many Teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb? Four. One to change and three to drink coffee, do some ass-scratching and offer words of encouragement and claim Old Joe could do a much better job. Then all four demand overtime pay. Then the Electricians Local files a grievance claiming the Teamsters are taking work away from their loyal, hard-working, dues-paying members. When their grievance is rejected, the Electricians go on strike and the Teamsters join them out of sympathy. Scabs are brought in to change bulbs at half-wages, but there are no bulbs because the Teamsters are no longer delivering them and are threatening to overturn any delivery truck that tries to cross the picket line. Work grinds to a halt and new employees are laid off.

And the CEO votes himself a raise in pay for successfully down-sizing a bloated company. Wall Street raises the value of the stock, the CEO cashes in his stock options at the new, higher price and retires. The company goes belly-up and no one can really remember why.

>< DARWIN >
__L___L

19

How many solipsists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. No one else exists.

How many logical positivists does it take to change a lightbulb?
The question is meaningless.

How many avant-garde poets does it take to change a lightbulb?
M% &3++ -h

How many trolls does it take to change a lightbulb?
JuSt OnE, bEcAuZe wErE sMartEr TheN yOu MorOnS.

20

How many Yale students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. New Haven looks better in the dark.

How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a light bulbe?
None. They don’t have electricity up there yet.

Jeremy…

Nobody ever calls me after they’ve done something smart.