How many [X] does it take to change a light bulb?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

As long as we’re sharing jokes:

My personal favorites.

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only two, but you have to figure out how to get them in there.

How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
10. You got a PROBLEM with that?

How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
The Amish don’t have light bulbs. They bake pies.

For JohnLarrigan:

How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to hold the bulb, and two to drink until the room spins.

For Esprix:

How many gays does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb, and three to scream, “Faaabulous!” :smiley:

For Techchick:
How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None–that’s a hardware problem.

Anybody else? I will graciously extend the OP to include knock-knock jokes, a form of humor that I personally don’t get, but I am always happy to be enlightened.
P.S. No Dopers of any ethnic, sexual, or occupational groups were harmed during the making of this non-PC post. :cool:

2

My favorite:

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to hold the Giraffe, the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine shop tools.

3

How many Vulcans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One.

4

How Many Members of Your Sign Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

ARIES
Just one. You want to make something of it?
or
Only one, but it takes a hell of a lot of light bulbs.

TAURUS
One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
or
What, me move?

GEMINI
Two, but the job never gets done-they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it’s supposed to be done!

CANCER
Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.
or
Only one, but he has to bring his mother.

LEO
Leos don’t change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they’re out.
or
A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.

VIRGO
Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
or
One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install, and two engineers to check the work.

LIBRA
Er, two. Or maybe one. No-on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?
or
Libras can’t decide if the bulb needs to be changed.

SCORPIO
That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchial Order. (Hence my sig)
or
None. They LIKE the dark

SAGITTARIUS
The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
or
One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.

CAPRICORN
I don’t waste my time with these childish jokes.
or
The light’s fine as it is.

AQUARIUS
Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so…
or
Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?

PISCES
Lightbulb? What lightbulb?

and some Pagan humor

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
What do you want it changed into?

How many Gardnerian witches does it take to change a light bulb?
(in a low ominous tone) “Why do you want to know… initiate?”

5

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?

One. he holds the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb, and four to sit around & discuss how David Sanborn would have done it.

6

Why does it take 7 women with PMS to change a light bulb?

IT JUST FREAKING DOES!!!

7

How many firemen does it take to change a lightbulb?

Four - one to change the bulb and three to chop a hole in the roof.

8

A board member whose name I forget right now once told me the Rush version of this one:

How many progressive rock drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb, and four to go on and on and on about how much better Neil Peart would have done it :D.

9

How many Psychiatrists?
only one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.
How many Californians?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to share the experience.
Rednecks?
Three.
One to change it, one to write a song about it, one to start a fight in the parking lot!

10

Tomcat wrote:

I heard it different. My version:

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A fish.

11

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Californians don’t screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.

12

Psychiatrists: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to want to change.

Radical Feminists: One, and it’s not funny.

Zen Masters: None. The Universe spins the bulb, the Zen Master just gets out of the way.

W.A.S.P.s: Two. One to mix the martinis, one to call the electrician.

College Athletes: Only one, but twenty get full academic credit.

Californians: Californians don’t screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.

A Whole S***load of Light Bulb Jokes

13

How many Jewish mothers does it take?
Only one who says " Go on along and have your fun, I’ll just sit here alone…by myself…in the dark."

14

How many Microsoft engineers does it take?
None, they just declare darkness the industry standard.

15

ISO 9000 Standard Writers:
No one knows. 1 to document the procedures on determining when light bulbs need to be changed, 1 to document procedures on ordering replacement bulbs, 1 to document the different types of bulbs used in each device in the department, 1 to document the additional apparatus required for changing the bulb including chairs, stepladders, etc, 1 to proofread all of the documentation, a nomination committee to determine who will actually change the bulb…

16

How many drummers does it take?

Ten. One to change it and nine to nod and say “Oh yeah. I could do that.”

17

Actually, I heard that one as lead singers, which makes more sense. The answer for guitarists is 10 - One to do it, and nine to point at him and say, “I can do that better!”

And one I just came up with:

How many Napster employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They’re already screwed.

Yer pal,
Satan

I HAVE BEEN SMOKE-FREE FOR:
One month, three days, 12 hours, 45 minutes and 28 seconds.
1341 cigarettes not smoked, saving $167.66.
Life saved: 4 days, 15 hours, 45 minutes.

18

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer”, and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb”, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

  1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
  2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
  3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (“New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
    NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as “Partnership.”
19

Unix admins:
Change it? Why would we want to change it? Darkness is more efficient, and if a user want light they can easily code it themselves.

NT Admins:
If you buy a Microsoft lightbulb it will change itself.
Of course, your power will go out at random moments. The bulb will sometimes change even if you don’t want it to. And your light usage will automatically be reported to the Microsoft auditors every time you turn it on.

20

I made my contribution the last time we shared these jokes, in the swell thread How Many _____ Does It Take…?. Not that I’m trying to throw a wet blanket over the proceedings or anything, it’s just that I don’t feel like typing out my list all over again.

So go there to see my longish list from the world of publishing.