<<< Quickly throwing the wet blanket into the drier… >>>
Sorry, Ace, but that thread is from December 1999, and I wasn’t even born yet. But hey, here it is, in all its glory. The SDMB cannot fail to benefit from its being repeated.
<<< removing clean, dry, sweet-smelling blanket from drier >>>
Martha Stewart would be so proud. 
Q. How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. We like it here. Alone. In the dark.
Q. How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Three. One to change the bulb and two to co-author a working paper on “Coping With Darkness”.
Q. How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Juan.
How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
At least ten. One to stand on the chair and do it, and the other nine to say “Oh, that’s much too high for her!”
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
“I don’t do tech work!”
Still my favorite (non-light bulb):
What’s a coloratura soprano? A soprano who can’t quite find the note, but has a wild time trying. The fact that I torment one of my best friends each time I tell it is just a bonus.
How many LAWYERS to change a lightbulb?
-It depends, how much money do you have?
I had to call my mom & tell her this one. She’s got a degree in social work. She loved it!
Satan, I do like your variation on the lead guitarist/light bulb one. It does make more sense. I know I’ve seen that attitude in practice (not in my husband, though, thank Goddess), but I’m sure you’ve seen it waaaaay more than I have!
My other favorite lead guitarist joke:
Q. How do you get a lead guitarist to turn down?
A. Put tablature in front of him.
How many Virginians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: one to change the bulb, and two to talk about how great the old one was.
How many midgets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. (Ba-da-BOOM!)
Okay, I know these aren’t lightbulb jokes, but it’s Friday afternoon and I had to post them anyway:
Q. Did you hear about the man who was in love with two bags?
A. He was bi-satchel.
Q. Did you hear about the clown who was wrongly sacked?
A. He’s suing for funfair dismissal.
Q. What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?
A. Damn.
A woman goes into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gives her one.
A length of twine goes into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman asks, “Are you a piece of string? We don’t serve string in here…” The twine replies, “No, I’m afraid not”.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, “Sorry sir, we don’t serve food in here”.
I’d tell you the one about the extra level they were going to build for the Post Office Tower in London, but that’s another storey.
How many radical feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, one to change the bulb, one to write about the sexual exploitation of the socket, and one to secretly wish she was the socket.
How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to NOT change the bulb.
I like SingleDad’s version too, though.
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else
in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the
bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS
before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be
able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME
CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some
miracle,actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they
dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would
STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER
THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!
WHY?
BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT’S A WONDER
WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP
THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS… !!!
I’m sorry…what did you ask me?
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. The bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Thank you, folks. I’m here all week.
I started that earlier thread, Da Ace. I appreciate you resurrecting it.
Some of my favorites from the many light bulb jokes web pages out there…
How many Creation Scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to change it quickly, and one to point out that no transitional forms occurred.
How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But for the light to continue, send in your donation today.
How many art museum visitors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to do it and one to say “My four-year old could do that”.
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The true Zen answer is four. One to change the bulb.
How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One on whom they can fob off the unavoidable task while the other three anguish over how many animals were killed by the habitat destruction necessary to extract the minerals required to manufacture the bulb.
How many UFO buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. You don’t believe me do you? I’ve got photos!
How many Webmasters does it take to change a lightbulb?
404 (Not found).
Q: How many Dianic Wiccans does it take to cha-
A: THAT’S NOT FUNNY!!!
A priest, a rabbi, a duck, a blonde, a man with a 12" pianist, and a piece of string all walk into a bar together. The bartender looks up and says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”
I posted this on the previous thread, but it’s my favorite:
How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
5 - 1 to change the light bulb and 4 to share the experience
How many Oregonians does it take to change a light bulb?
5 - 1 to change the light bulb and 5 to chase away the californians who came to share the experience
And:
How many gorillas does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but it takes a shitload of lightbulbs.
Well, not exactly cleared out a party. I was at a party with some friends, and one friend (female) had some friends with her whose views were more, er, radical than hers. She got kinda irritated, they complained of the “mysoginistic atmosphere” and left.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in, and one to suck my dick!!!
Hahahaha hoo yeah.
–Tim
Another lawyer version:
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
3; One to draft the contract, one to revise the contract, one to execute the change, and one to confuse the issue.
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That’s not the issue here.
Homer, I want to go to YOUR parties!!!
Marines…None, real men aren’t afraid of the dark. SIR!
Some of the most esoteric light bulb jokes in the world can be found at the Christian Think Tank’s website :
Please note : some or all of these require knowledge, often of rather obscure things; the first section deals with Bible scholars and the like, some of the others are more philosophy oriented. Half the fun is learning why they’re funny…
Here’s a couple good ones :
How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Actually they are afraid to do it…they think that if they remove the top layer bulb, that they will disturb the (presumed) earlier bulbs that are screwed in beneath the one that is currently showing…
How many biblical ‘minimalists’ does it take to change a light bulb?
Grow up, guy–it never WAS a unitary light bulb, it was only a pack of fireflies flying randomly around the room until a fan cut on and they all started flying in synchronization…
How many Roger Penrose’s does it take to change a light bulb?
I don’t know the exact number, but I am sure it must be some rather elegant prime…
How many Quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb? (version two)
Depends on the room size–you need to fill the room first with blind-folded scientists. Then, upon a signal, they all remove the blindfolds and look toward the general area of the ‘old’ bulb. Then, when the waveform collapses, whoever is CLOSEST to the newly ‘congealed’ bulb, grabs it, and WITHOUT blinking, makes the change. Also, this procedure MAY require one additional physicist to remove a dead cat from the room
How many monists does it take to change a light bulb?
Don’t be silly, there is only ONE monist…
How many Hegelians does it take to change a light bulb?
None-the bulb is just at one dialectical pole between ‘bright’ and ‘dark’–it will eventually synthesize these into at least some dim glow for us…
My absolute favorites from there :
MEANT.
How many Derrida’ists THOUGHT YOU does
D
E
P
E
N
DS
it take *on WhAt YoU *
to change a light bulb?
How many leaders of the Jesus Seminar does it take to change a light bulb?
I really don’t think they can do it anymore; but then again, maybe I am too cynical.
Plus, I’ll add some more that are sort of specialized (but I’ve seen their variants around). These all relate to the nine campuses of the UC (University of California) system :
How many UC Berkeley students does it take to change a light bulb ?
76 - 1 to change, 50 to protest the bulb’s right not to be changed, and 25 to hold the counter-protest.
How many UCLA students ?
One - she holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
How many UCSF students ?
Three - One to change it and two to crack under the pressure.[SUP]1[/SUP]
How many UC Santa Cruz students ?
21 - one to change it and 20 to share the experience.
How many UC San Diego students ?
Two - one to mix the margaritas, and the other to call the electrician.
How many UC Davis students ?
None - Davis doesn’t have electricity.[SUP]2[/SUP]
How many UC Santa Barbara students ?
Only one, but he gets six credits for it. [SUP]3[/SUP]
How many UC Riverside students ?
Riverside looks better in the dark.
How many UC Irvine students ?
Irvine looks even better than Riverside in the dark.
And, since they’re adding a new campus, I guess I should come up with one for it, so :
How many UC Merced students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - they just walk around that room and wait for the bulb to come back on in the Spring.[SUP]4[/SUP]
panama jack
Notes (In case you didn’t know) :
[SUP]1[/SUP] UCSF is a very highly-ranked med school; this is pretty close to the drop-out rate.
[SUP]2[/SUP] Davis used to be the Berkeley Agricultural Extension until the 1920’s; and yes, the dorms are next to the cow barn.
[SUP]3[/SUP] UC Santa Barbara (UCSB) is known as University of Chicks, Smokes, and Beer.
[SUP]4[/SUP]A controversial aspect of the new campus is that it will be built amongst several vernal pools. (And if you don’t know what those are you can look it up.)
Thanks panama. Great link.
Two more great ones that haven’t been quoted yet, and then one more that litterally had me rolling on the floor laughing out loud:
How many liberation theologians does it take to change a light bulb?
None–WE shot out the bulb in the name of Christian revolution!
How many Natural Selectionists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Well actually, we won’t even TRY to change the bulb. We will simply stop using the room that has the burned out bulb, and
start using only rooms with FUNCTIONING bulbs. That way, over time, …
How many chaos theorists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just get the butterfly to flap its wings a SECOND time.