One homeless guy went to the police with a story about being offered $500 to commit murder. The police then organized a sting, and got the chef on video arranging the killing with “several” homeless men. He brought one of them to his home to show him how to break in for the murder.
I dunno why this strikes me as so funny. Was this some kind of casting call? An open audition? Did he go up to one of those Walmart lots where unemployed guys hang out looking for day work?
Earlier today, somehow I wound up down in Santa Monica with a wife to kill, so I went looking for somebody to wax the bitch that a friend had told me about. Had trouble finding the guy, so I asked a homeless guy to do it, and he said he’d stab the bitch and make it look like a break in. I even showed him how. (Didn’t give him any money, since I had nothing smaller than $20, and I don’t like supporting people’s crack habits anyway.)
After waiting enough time for him to kill the bitch, I had gained some spare change, so I decided to revisit the bum and give him a quarter…after all, he did just kill my wife. When I saw him I said, “Here you go” and tossed him the coin, which accidentally bounced from his hand and landed next to his feet. And then…
Instead of saying something grateful, like “Thank you” or “Blessings of Akatosh be on ye,” he snorted derisively and KICKED THE QUARTER INTO THE GUTTER!
Well, let me tell you something, Mr. Homeless Person. You are FUCKING HOMELESS. I only gave you money because you were nice enough to wax the harpy bane of my existence, and you looked genuinely homeless (unlike those professional panhandlers who plague the freeway exits in L.A. – those guys can up to $60K of unreported income in a year!) Not only did you spoil my Random Act of Senseless Kindness, you have guaranteed that any scruffy, smelly, waste of human flesh I next encounter will get not even a penny from me. I don’t care if you think a quarter won’t buy your next fix, that’s not my fucking problem.
Ever hear the saying, Beggars Can’t Be Choosers? Learn it. Live it. Or clean yourself up and get a fucking job, like the rest of us douchebags trying to eek out a living during The Great Depression II.
Well, it’s good to see a homeless person trying to earn a living for a change. We really should give these people a break, considering they’ve just fallen on hard times and only need a boost to help pick themselves up and start working again…oh, wait a sec…
The perfect crime would be to find someone else who wants to murder their wife, and then swap murders, giving each other an alibi! I met this guy on a train once…
I have no problem with anyone. The OP in the other thread and the facts of the arrest were awfully congruent.
So I changed “Fatburger” to “my wife” and linked to the original thread so that it would be obvious that it was a parody.
The “Asswipe” was part of the original thread, directed at the (actual) homeless guy, and the “Asswipe” in my parody is also directed at the (made-up) homeless guy.
Was that unclear?
I mean, come on. It wasn’t comedy gold, but it sure wasn’t “shit.”
Depends on whether the murderers are polish or not. If they are, it takes 4. One to hold the knife and three to push the victim into it over and over again.
Good thing it wasn’t Gordon Ramsey. Can you imagine the murder scene?
“No no NO! Do you call that a clean stabbing!? You’ve totally missed the AORTA, you stupid donkey! Oh, now look; it’s stuck in her ribs … Get out! Take off your rubber gloves and GET OUT!”
It was hilarious. Thank you for the smile this morning. Since when is open mocking disallowed in MPSIMS (or anywhere else besides the vaunted halls of GD?).
I have a fifty cent piece here. If I see a homeless guy today, I may throw it at him (having no wife to murder at present).
