I got a little drunk a couple of weeks ago and had a discussion with a girl at the party I was at. I’d mostly forgotten about it until I read this post. Basically I was telling her that one of the reasons that I have trouble with long term relationships is that there are very few people that I respect, 13 by my count this morning. Now being a little drunk I phrased this as very few women, she’s not one of the people I respect and I meant it as an insult. As of my count this morning the list is just short of 40% female. Since I know more guys then girls this seems reasonable, but I could be off base.
For me to respect someone I need to know them and know about them. I don’t consider respecting an opinion or a facet of their lives enough to say that I respect them. Looking over the people that I respect they tend to be people who are logical in their approach to their lives, live a moral life (their moral codes are generally self made), and they take control and responsibility of themselves. I’m not saying that I meet my own criteria but I try and the people I respect are those that I think succeed.
What causes you to respect someone? How many people have you met that meet your requirements?
Respect isn’t binary - it comes in varying amounts. There’s a basic level of human respect that everybody gets, until they’ve shown themselves to be somehow unworthy. There’s different levels of respect for friends and family, various authority figures in my life, people who have accomplished various things, and even another level for people who have accomplished various things in an exemplary manner.
There are very few people that I just plain don’t respect at all, and that level of (dis)respect takes some pretty dedicated effort to earn.
I agree with this. I tend to start with a basic level of respect when I meet people, and it goes up or down depending on my interactions and/or what I hear about them. Respect can be earned, and lost, and re-earning lost respect is a lot harder that starting at baseline and going up, but I do leave room for that to happen!
I’d have a hard time listing the people I know into an order of who I respect more or less than another, with perhaps one exception: the level of respect and awe I have for one particular friend really stands out when I’m asked who I respect. She’s an oncology nurse, and dedicates her life to helping others, always putting them first and trying to make everyone else happy. The thing is, she’s also a cancer survivor herself, and the way she handled that, the way she can bring that experience into her job and face the things she sees at work every day… it just amazes me. I don’t know anyone as selfless as she is - she is truly inspiring, and I love her to bits!
Hmmm… You’ve pretty much got my respect if you’re not an asshole or a leech on society. You’ve got to do some serious shit for me not to respect you as a human being.
I’m not sure what respect you as a human being means. All of the definitions I know say that respect is akin to admiration and I don’t admire someone because they are human. I don’t mean that I am disrespectful to people who I don’t respect. Basic courtesy is required as part of society. I guess that people use respect more as how you treat someone and not how you feel about them.
“Respect is a two-edged sword. If it’s not given, it’s not earned.”
Me, sadly most often to people in positions of power or authority who fail to show respect to the people under them while demanding it from them.
Also;
“There isn’t a person on this Earth who needs to earn your respect. Everyone deserves it, until they prove that they don’t.”
Me again, sadly often to many of the people above, when they angrily declare that “You have to earn my respect!”
As I’ve stated in other threads, I believe that the fastest way you can show that you do not deserve respect is to attempt to demand or command it. I don’t care if you’re simultaneously the President of the USA, the Pope, the Dalai Llama and the World Grand Master of Gung Fu. If you don’t show any respect for the people beneath you, but you demand it of them, then you’re not worthy of that respect.
I try to treat everyone with respect, but there are some people I respect more than others.
I have a lot of respect for a friend who finally divorced a philandering husband, after 20 years and three kids. To this day she has refused to badmouth her ex to her kids or anyone else in her family. She met a guy and fell in love but didn’t live with him until they were married – she had two kids still at home. I respect her immensely. It was hard for her to do this.
She stands out. She put her kids ahead of her own needs and feelings. Who does that nowadays?
Good observations above re. differing types of respect for different reasons. I often come back to public figures. I despise Hillary Clinton, her politics and her ways, but I have a lot of respect for someone who rebounds from a more or less humiliating experience (Bill’s very public affair details), not by retreating into anonymity, as I would do, but by continuing a public life in trying to accomplish her political aims.
Same with Ted Kennedy, someone who I also disagree with on many many levels: after my second politician brother was shot dead, I think I’d call it a day and live out my life playing golf and living off the trust fund money. But clearly he has ideals that he is driven to live out (whether or not I agree with them is immaterial), and so he continues the very demanding life of a senator.
I can respect both of them for the way they responded to their circumstances. Just one aspect of the whole thing.
Wow, Chimera, good answer! And beautifully expressed!
For me personally, I see respect as pretty distinct from admiration – apart from the basic human respect which it is my nature to accord everyone unless & until they screw it up – I would say that I admire people who embody a quality to which I aspire (or do something I would like to have done); but I respect people who do something which I recognize as having taken great skill, strength, character, courage, etc., even if they’re someone I would never want to be like.
For instance, I have tremendous respect for William Safire as a linguist and etymologist (and for “nattering nabobs of negativism”!), but I heartily disagree with his politics and will never admire him.
I find that people who constantly declare “you need to earn my respect” most often use that as a reason to be insubordinant, lazy or disrespectful and are often the least deserving of respect themselves. You aren’t saluting the person, you are saluting the rank. In other words, you don’t need to like or even respect your boss, but you do have to listen to them if you want to keep your job.
I would respect someone who accomplished all of this even if he were the world’s biggest dick. Treatment of people doesn’t factor into my esteem of a person unless they are hypocritical in their treatment of people. Respect does need to be earned; it is only respectful treatment that is required.
If there is an old man in front of me slowing my progress I wouldn’t tell him to get out of my way. Instead I wait for an opportunity to pass him, there by treating him with respect. Do I feel respect because he hasn’t died yet? Of course not.
Your response is confusing and confused. I pointed out without using the word, that I consider demanding respect while not offering it to be hypocritical.
While I would treat that person with respect, I would NOT respect them. As you point out, there is a difference.
For example, my last Aikido Sensei was on the verge of making his 4th degree black belt, which in Aikido, would make him a “Master”. However, the man was a total Ass. Ego the size of a planet. Routinely injured his students, including me. Drove off several good students because they noticed and made mention of how often the guy was injuring people in giving demonstrations. So full of himself that he didn’t seem to notice how often he was verbally snowplowing people even in everyday conversation outside the school. Treated his students and even his lower instructors in ways that were often disrespectful, because he was King.
In class, I gave him the respect due him as an Instructor and owner of the school. However, I have no respect for the man himself. He’s by now earned the title of Master, but he showed every time I saw him that he had yet to master himself.