I hear people say this a lot (though not to me) but, unless I’m in error in my thinking, aren’t those that say that in a way saying that they believe that their authenticity as a validated human being is established to such a degree that they can basically crap on the other person until they feel they’ve crapped on them enough?
To my way of thinking, a person automatically gets respect until they’ve screwed up. And even then, depending on the degree of the transgression, they can redeem themselves and become once again respected.
It just seems so odd that anyone would say or think such a thing, yes? :dubious:
It is an “I don’t trust anyone until they’ve earned my trust” sort of thing.
The problem I’ve noticed with it is that the person who so forcefully conveys that “you have to EARN my trust” thing is almost without exception someone who demands your respect. Your word has no value, but they demand that you take their word.
Often the best way to deal with it is to point out that double standard.
Of course, you see something similar on the street. “He was disrespecting me” from someone who offers no respect to others.
My own feeling is:
There is not a single person on this Earth who needs to earn your respect.
Everyone deserves respect.
Unless or until they have proven otherwise.
Demanding respect without giving it is the fastest way to prove that you don’t deserve it.
Unfortunately, it’s not odd. But it does excuse a host of rudenesses and denigration in the minds of some people (which is how we know it’s not odd ). Probably a lot of people who say this hypocritically expect respect from others who they have just met (e.g. wait staff, store clerks, random people on the street, other drivers.)
A much better policy would be to accord a modicum of respect to everyone you encounter unless there is a compelling reason not to.
In my line of work, we all do pretty much the same thing, but some have more seniority than others. Doesn’t mean they know more.
They’re just trying to establish a “pecking order”, hoping you’ll knuckle under and be their flunky. Which, chances are, you will be forever because they will never acknowledge that you have reached a level of equality with them.
I avoid people with that attitude.
As far as I am concerned, they have to earn the position of being worthy of my respect.
People who generally say things like “You have to earn my respect” are really giving you code for “I’m an insecure person who thinks that being an ass is the solution to all my problems” most of the time. There really is no reason why one person cannot just be nice to everyone as a pretense for being respected and well-liked. In all honesty, I cannot recall liking a single person who had to preface any relationship/acquaintanceship that I have had with them with “you have to earn my respect,” and quite a few of them were not only not worthy of the respect that I gave them, but they were also untrustworthy.
There is exactly one person in my life I heard this from: my former step-father. It was his excuse to treat me like crap for doing nothing wrong (but nothing right according to him). His philosophy also demanded that, as an adult he is automatically entitled to respect from me, a mere child (I was 12-15 at the time). I’ve always agreed with the OP, people should get respect until they’ve lost it, not vice versa.
I struggled for years to earn the respect of the all-male Board of Directors when I (a female) was the Executive Director of a business-oriented non-profit. Eventually they did respect me, but it was an uphill battle. Despite the fact that, as a full-time employee of the organization, I knew a hell of a lot more about what was going on with it than did Board members who simply attended lunches to discuss it once a month, they were so busy pontificating at our Board meetings that I had to struggle to get them to let me express anything.
So imagine my astonishment when a male counterpart (head of a similar organization) attended as a guest at one of our Board meetings, and the Board turned the floor over to him and let him speak freely even though they’d never met him before.
At that point I formulated a life rule: “Men respect another man until he proves he doesn’t deserve it. Men don’t respect a woman until she proves she DOES deserve it.”
Fortunately, that Board was in a non-Western country, filled with very old-fashioned men, and my experiences were over a decade ago. I hope and believe that things, at least in the US, are now much improved.
I guess I’d say I somewhat agree with it; like everything in life it comes down to degrees. I always give everyone a base-line value of respect, and they can earn more or detract from it with their actions. Even someone I meet for the first time gets a little respect, but you won’t necessarily see me bending over backwards until they’ve proven themselves to me a little more thoroughly.
I feel that every person is entitled to a basic level of respect until they’ve done something to change that.
This covers common courtesy, professional working relationships, etc.
If you want anything MORE than that, you have to earn it. You don’t get extra respect merely by being in a position of authority, being older, having more money, having seniority, or any of the other myriad reasons people seem to think entitle them to special status.
Behaving like an jerk can, however, REDUCE the level of respect.
I would never tell someone “you have to earn my respect” unless they had previously indicated that they felt entitled to more than the basic level. I have said that (or something similar) in those situations.
I’ve also been known to explain to people that authority <> respect, that fear <> respect, and that respect is something you can only gain by respecting others.
Everyone deserves human respect by virtue of being a human being.
But if someone is trying to take on a specific position of authority, and they have not earned your respect in that role, then it is quite reasonable to ask for respect to be earned. (In other words: you don’t always respect your boss. Even though you respect him/her as a person, and you respect the office of your superior, you can still think that s/he is a bad boss if they haven’t earned your respect).
I belonged to a board of directors once, and we needed a new President. There weren’t really any decent candidates, and the guy that won is someone I know to be (while worthy of respect as a human being) utterly unsuited in every way to the job.
So yes, I respect him as a human, but not as President. He doesn’t do any of the things that I consider to be respectable as President of an organization that I care about.
In fact, it is my respect for the OFFICE of the President of this organization that I care about, that makes me disrespect him so deeply. He’s not worthy of the office, and he does not deserve my respect.
I distinguish between showing someone respect and respecting someone.
Everyone deserves to be shown respect. Your boss deserves to be shown respect, even if she’s a moron. People who live with you deserve to be shown respect, no matter how awful they are. This is how people live together without killing each other.
Actually respecting someone is a private matter. Respect those people who seem worthy of it. Don’t respect those people who don’t.
To recap, I’m going to show respect to people who may or may not deserve it. Who I really respect is my business.
I’ve only ever used the phrase “you have to earn my respect” in the context of “you have to earn my respect back”. I think cowgirl puts it really well, in terms of what you respect about a person, though.
What? Oh, the OP. Count me in the camp that thinks everyone gets respect until they lose it. And “you have to earn my respect” is a jerk-ish thing to say; I think a good reply would be “why would I want to?”
I guess many people have a different definition of the term “respect”. What I hear most of you saying is that everyone deserves to be treated civilly and politely without having to prove their worth to get it. And with that, I totally agree. I don’t think anyone should be talked down to or spoken rudely to - whether I respect them or not. But that’s not “respect”, it’s “manners”.
Manners isn’t the same thing as respect. “Respect”, to me, means that I have observed your behavior and found it worthy of emulation, esteem and/or praise. That can *only *be earned.
However, telling someone they must earn your respect is very poor manners.
). Probably a lot of people who say this hypocritically expect respect from others who they have just met (e.g. wait staff, store clerks, random people on the street, other drivers.)