How many times should you kiss a European?

Factual Questions
1

Serious question here, honestly. I’m an American woman who recently relocated temporarily to Europe, for professional reasons. I’m now encountering colleagues (academic, somewhat cosmopolitan, I guess middle- to upper-middle-class) from different European countries, in different European countries, and have to confront the issue of “social kissing” when saying hello or goodbye to them. Unfortunately, the etiquette seems to be very variable!

Of course, this isn’t an issue when dealing with comparative strangers, where one just shakes hands. And in the case of intimate friends, I could just ask directly “Hey, what’s the deal with this Yurpin greeting ritual—am I supposed to hug you or kiss you or what?” But the in-between case of a friendly collegial relationship, where people you’re not really personally intimate with nonetheless offer a warmer greeting than the formal handshake, is a bit more difficult.

Any help out there? I don’t need to know when a social kiss is appropriate, because the other person usually initiates it. But I do need to know what to expect when I see it coming, because a misunderstanding—my going for the left cheek when they’re going for the right cheek, for example—can lead and has led to some minor but embarrassing goofs! And I blush easily.

So please help me fill in the lacunae in the following rules I’ve gleaned about the kiss of greeting in various European cultures. Especial gratitude for anyone who can reduce it to a compact table that will fit on a wallet card for ease of reference. :slight_smile:

  • French: Single kiss on right cheek, sometimes followed by single kiss on left cheek (henceforth “right-left”). Offered (to a woman) by both men and women, more frequently by women.

  • German: Social kissing rare; when offered, follows “right-left” pattern.

  • Netherlands: Three of 'em (!), right-left-right, both men and women.

Big ol’ American hugs are, of course, right out (occasional exception for female colleagues who are good friends and who have lived in the US).

A final question: does location trump nationality when it comes to kiss etiquette? A Dutch-born, German-resident colleague gave me the Dutch triple-kiss when he greeted me in the Netherlands, but then teased me a bit about my “Dutch customs” when I went for smooch #3 when he greeted me in Germany.

Rally round, EuroDopers, my social savoir-faire is in your hands. Thanks!

2

Dutch is 3. Right-Right, Left-Left, Right-Right.

3

UK & Ireland are pretty staid, usually shaking hands, but here’s my observation of the habit when it occurs.

UK: one or two depending on how well you know the person. Usually confined to the middle-classes, though.

Ireland: occasionally, one cheek.

4

Spain, twice. It’s unconscious but if I think about it the sequence is right, left.

In most Latin American countries it is just once, which takes some adjustment and a lot of kisses in the air each time I return.

5

Sorry, but in France it varies from one region to another between two and four. Four is overdoing it in Paris, even between friends (I know because I normally kiss four times, and I’m sometimes called on it).

A single kiss seems weird to me. I didn’t even notice some people were single-kissing. I don’t kiss colleagues, either. So, as you can see, there’s no firmly established rule.

No risk of huge “faux pas”, IMO. It shouldn’t bother you that much.

6

Whilst saying my farewells to the parisian family friends I had been staying with for a few days, the number of kisses ranged from two to five. Color me confused.

7

Scandinavia: Don’t even think about it :smiley:

8

No experience with European customs, but here in Pittsburgh we do this tongue thing. Hard to describe, but if you are ever in the area…
:slight_smile:

9

I’m not a native Brit, but I live in London. IME, women get a right-left double kiss (female friends, plus women I’m introduced to in a social situation). In a business context, I shake the hands of women I meet. I’m male, so men get a handshake.

I thought this was common practice, but based on what jjimm says, maybe it breaks down on class. I mimic my English boyfriend, who’s a public (meaning private) school git.

10

It’s definitely a middle-class thing, and I think also mainly a southern practice. (The kind of people who take Julian and Toby off to a villa in Provence at half-term, and so think of themselves as cultured and European and whatever…)

11

In French-speaking Switzerland it’s 3 times, rights, then lefts, then rights.

I’m American and it’s funny when I meet another American and we do the Swiss kiss thing, and realize halfway through, hey, no Swiss people around, we can just shake hands!

12

Which begs the question (for an American): What do Brits mean when they say “middle class”? I’m always a bit confues because in the US it means unpretentious to a fault, but Brits seem to attach some set of snobbery to the term, even if it’s an affected snobbery.

13

John Mace, in Britain and Ireland “middle class” is equivalent to the American upper middle class - not filthy rich, but wealthy enough to send their kids to private schools etc.

Re the kisses thing: In Serbia it’s three kisses, right-left-right.

14

Middle-class Britain is wonderfully elusive.

It very generally means the type of people who live in an owned (mortgaged) property in Commuterham, have two kids in a nice school, and generally feel comfortable.

Pejoratively, it means people who’ve had the fortune to be of an age and a status to take advantage of the huge change to Britain’s economy from the 70s to the 90s, and who are now in a wonderful position to financially isolate themselves from the outside.

Also pejoratively, it can mean people who … or people who…or people who don’t …or …

I shouldn’t go on, I’ll just insult everyone. My point is that ‘middle class’ is both a very flexible term, and also a very political one (no politician will ever actually use it). And it’s so flexible because it’s ill-defined. Yet at the same time, in some ingrained way that is a combination of feudalism, Sky TV and everything in between, we know who the ‘middle class’ are in any particular context.

15

How many times should you kiss a European?

If its Audrey Tautou then as often as possible

16

Wouldn’t that actually be **public **schools, in British terminology? I always find it fascinating how these common terms mean such different things on opposite sides of the Atlantic. Can be very confusing sometimes!

17

Oh, and I’d say that the British who are able to pay for private school are the upper-middle class. Just to confuse things more :smiley:

18

No, no, no. Public schools are also private schools. Actual public schools are called state schools. Simple
:wink:

19

xash: Dutch is 3. Right-Right, Left-Left, Right-Right.
jjimm: UK: one or two depending on how well you know the person. […] Ireland: occasionally, one cheek.
Martha: Spain, twice […] the sequence is right, left. In most Latin American countries it is just once
clairobscur: in France it varies from one region to another between two and four. Four is overdoing it in Paris
ticker: Whilst saying my farewells to the parisian family friends I had been staying with for a few days, the number of kisses ranged from two to five.
Jervoise: in London […] women get a right-left double kiss
Endemic: In French-speaking Switzerland it’s 3 times, rights, then lefts, then rights.
ruadh: In Serbia it’s three kisses, right-left-right.

Well, thanks everybody, I think. Cripes. Are there any plans for the European Union to set some kind of international standard on this?

Also, nobody’s addressed my question about whether “location trumps nationality”; e.g., will a “double-kiss” native transplanted to a “triple-kiss” culture use the double or the triple kiss?

clairobscur: No risk of huge “faux pas”, IMO. It shouldn’t bother you that much.

Oh, that’s all very well for you suave Yurpin types, who are brought up to this sort of thing and doubtless familiar with its subtle non-verbal cues. Let me tell you that for a novice, when you start off going for the wrong cheek or don’t “turn the other cheek” fast enough because you’re not expecting an additional kiss, it is perfectly possible to wind up with an unintentional smooch on the lips instead. Call me an uptight American prude, but I think that’s a little embarrassing.

BTW, it’s interesting to see that the triple-kiss is so much more common than I’d realized; I thought it was pretty much just a Dutch thing.

20

When (as a youngster) I asked my Grandfather why Frenchmen on the news were kissing each other, he simply said, “Real men don’t kiss.” :stuck_out_tongue: