Seems to me it was more them abandoning her than her abandoning them. If her father had bothered to update her with new addresses when they moved, she would have had the addresses.
Yeah. I had been assuming that there had been some at least minimal contact with the brother all along, and that therefore that might be a relationship worth saving. He wasn’t responsible for the lack of contact when he was a minor; but he is responsible for it since he became an adult. The internet has existed for quite a while now. He didn’t bother trying to hunt up his sister until he wanted money?
I mean, I can see his reacting to the realization that his father is dying by deciding that after all these years he wants to get in touch with his sister, whether to tell her about the state his father’s in or because it made him want to renew other family connections. But that’s not a conversation that would start with, or reasonably move rapidly into, ‘you should pay for his care.’ it really does seem that the only motivation here is the money.
Yes indeed. Pulling this quote from the original OP might help explain this:
“Bob is now the manager of one store in a national chain. He is divorced, and recently remarried a much younger women with two mid-teen stepchildren. The wife doesn’t work.”
My wild guess here is that the recent new wife with the two children was pushing Bob to find the money to care for his father elsewhere. I think it’s possible that the new wife is behind this, and absent her “advice”, Bob would never have bothered to try to track down Letty in the first place.
Totally agree with Euphonious_Polemic; these were also my first thoughts. The new wife doesn’t want to be forced to gasp work outside the home and probably doesn’t understand the full history of why Letty and Bob are estranged. “Don’t you have a sister? What’s she doing about your father? She’s his child, too. Why should you be the only one paying? Find your sister and make her pay!” - - - Ok, that might be making a hundred and three assumptions, but it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if it’s not pretty close to the mark.
I was thinking along the same lines, and I can’t even fault the new wife. She only has Bob’s point of view on the family history, and of course it’s going to be different than Letty’s. So Bob is probably trying to placate his wife at least as much as actually expecting Letty to contribute, though he won’t turn down any money. Bob may be completely in the wrong here (and I think he is), but he’s also in a tough spot.
The most help I might give would be to research a better Medicare facility. But they don’t get another penny from me. . . I mean her. She owes that man nothing.
Just say, ‘Sorry, I can’t help you out.’ And leave it at that. Literally not another word.
It’s also possible that Bob has zero to lose by asking, so why wouldn’t he? Instigated by the new wife or not, he’s giving it his best shot, making inquiries.
Don’t overthink it, don’t get invested or, dither over how to proceed. Just say no, sorry. And let it be.
If, they persist in contacting you, and implying you ought to help, you owe them exactly a second, ‘Again, sorry, but I cannot help.’
Ignore any and all further contact like it never happened.
Well, certainly some things are beyond the brother’s control, like the father getting dementia or losing his job.
OTOH, no one held a gun to his head and forced him to marry a much younger woman and put her children through college. That is a decision he made. His wife sounds certainly capable of working. Taking out college loans is an option as well. I don’t know if the sister should or should not help out, but maybe he should make plans as if she didn’t exist then if she does help, bonus for everyone!
I know the heart wants what the heart wants and you can’t put a price on love…yet here we are.
Even if he’s been searching for her for 25 years, he still shouldn’t be looking for money from her. And she definitely has no obligation to the father . But there are a few people (not relatives ) I’ve been trying to find for years - and I didn’t find them until I subscribed to a genealogy site last year. Some turned out to be on Facebook , but not under their full real name , or the name I knew them by. Think Donna Jo Catz, when Catz refers to their pets and I knew them as Donna Anderson.
I had much worse parents and I still struggle with the guilt that I’ve abandoned them. I’ve learned to accept that guilt is part of the trauma, it will always be with me, and since Letty’s Dad effectively abandoned her, I call that loss a trauma. Since the OP is grappling with what to say to Letty, I would say: the guilt doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It’s just another shitty part of being abandoned or abused by a parent.
OK, that’s fair; and “Letty” might well have taken her husband’s name, and has been married long enough to have grandchildren. But I still think that, as you implied, that’s a conversation that should go like, ‘I’ve been hunting for you for years and I finally found you!’; not like ‘I’ve found you and you need to pay for Dad’s nursing home.’
I think that’s a really good way to put it. And it applies to other situations also – people sometimes feel guilty because they didn’t stop somebody from going somewhere and that person got in an unforeseeable car accident, for instance.
He’s earned a birthday card on his 11th year in the nursing home.
As adults we are responsible for supporting our children to the best of our abilities. We are also responsible for our own retirement so that we don’t become burdens to our children.
So I would list the order as follows:
Children
Retirement
Parent’s support
I don’t know what the difference is between the 2 medical facilities but at least the person is under some type of certified medical care. Any financial support should not be at the expense of personal liability for one’s self and that includes any unforeseen family emergencies that may come up.