Yep, I’m a bad, bad parent! 
I know when I look back at photos of my parents generation, I am a little embarrased at how much “stuff” I have.
I also remember my dad, shortly before he died, saying he “shouldn’t be this old and have this much money.”
So I guess I’m not able to see everything as clearly in black and white as you are from your side of the computer screen. 
No, it’s the oppsoite, I think you are seeing it in black and white – buying is extravagant. Buying is unreasonable. A person of [qualities y, z] does not “deserve” to own . It just depends how a person prioritizes their spending, what is extravagant or isn’t.
If you’re embarassed about the stuff in your life, go ahead and simplifly – but that’s your business not your daughter’s; your emotions not your daughter’s; your values not your daughter’s. She may share those emotions and values, or not. Doesn’t mean someone is wrong.
I remember when I was in my early 20’s and home visiting my parents. My father gave me some of the best advice he has ever given. He told me to look around at their house and all of the things that they had, and he reminded me that it took them 25 years to accumulate everything they had. I shouldn’t worry about trying to live the same type of lifestyle that I had grown up accustomed to, and to not go into debt trying to do it. Take my time and live within my means.
I’m 41, and I bought my first piece of brand-new “real” furniture (a mattress and boxspring, as opposed to a futon) maybe 12 years ago, and only did so becasue I had a huge holiday bonus in the form of a Macy’s gift card just when mattresses went on sale, and the old hand-me-down one was concave. I replaced that one with a better one not long after Tom Scud moved in a couple of years ago, because I had a huge-ass overtime check and a nice holiday bonus. There’s also a sofabed I bought new about 8 years ago on MAJOR sale. I think the only new furniture I bought before I turned 30 was a futon.
To this day, our place is mostly furnished with a combination of hand-me-downs (my dresser and nighttables, desk, some rugs), things from Craigslist (armoire, dining room set, wall unit), things from a local used furniture store (end tables which now need a new home, china cabinet), IKEA stuff (Tom’s bookcases), stuff I bought unfinished and finished myself (my bookcases)…now that we finally bought a place and have a chunk of cash in savings, we did buy a new sofa and a new mattress and box spring for the second bedroom, but even our most recent purchases (the wall unit and the china cabinet) were from Craigslist and the used furniture store, respectively.
I think we’ve spent about half our tax refund on furniture for the new place (which is more than twice the size of our old place), total. The rest of the tax refund went in the bank. Why spend $2k plus on a wall unit, if you can buy something that looks brand-new on Craigslist for a few hundred bucks?
Of course, my grandparents were antique dealers, so I grew up with an appreciation for solid wood furniture. I’d rather buy something used with a couple of scratches than a piece of crap from IKEA for the same money - it holds up better.
Yeah…if he’s paying off the final bill on his student loan at 20, he’s waaaaaay ahead of most of us! Either his job pays really well, or he already knows how to spend wisely.
I believe he is 25. Still pretty good.
I think my wife will be a lot happier when she gets a ring on her finger. (Yet something else for some folk out there to criticize!)
Her move to buy her own furniture sounds like an attempt to assert her independence as fiercely as possible. My first job coming out of school, I didn’t have heaploads of used furniture, either. I was 26, just coming of vet school, and after spending 8 consecutive years as a student sleeping in dorms and badly furnished apartments, I was ready for my own stuff.
I agree that someone just coming out of college could probably put their money towards a better cause, but on the other hand, having the opportunity to outfit your living space with items totally of your free choosing rather than settling for hand-me-downs is a liberating experience. They’re also probably thinking “Hey, we’re going to have to buy new stuff some time down the line, so why not now?” There’s nothing wrong with this POV.
Not to put too fine a point on it, but could she be seeking to create a bit of distance between the two of you?
She’s an adult now, and she may want to make this move about her and her boyfriend without including the expectations of a seemingly rather judgmental father with a history of plenty-of-strings-attached gifts.
You gotta let go, man. This is not your decision.
I lived in a 350 sq. foot studio in a crappy area for 2 years after law school. My furniture included a futon (that I slept on), a really shitty used bureau, coffee table, TV that I’d received a gift certificate for, and a stand for the TV.
I moved into a one bedroom in a decent neighbourhood when I got 2 years into my career ladder track. At this point I bought a proper new bed.
I just gave away/sold all this furniture to make the move for business school. My new place comes furnished but I will be buying the futon and a bed for myself (grand total of $350).
So I STILL don’t have super nice stuff and I guarantee I made significantly more than your daughter did. However, since I am recruiting for significantly better paid positions that include moving expenses + signing bonuses-I will probably buy some reasonable stuff after school ends.
It probably helps that I’m not into home decor, beyond crafts/art I bring home from travelling. I’m not saying this to be the typical Doper “Oh, I hate that girly shit” because I’m not-I’m quite willing to spend on extremely expensive makeup, clothes and travel. But I am not really into a picture perfect home or home decor and this has gone a long way to my happily living with cheap furniture. Your daughter’s spending interests may just be different than yours. Does she have a golf habit, for instance?
As an example, my sister is more into home decor (and designer dogs) than I am, but she doesn’t really buy high-end purses and shoes. We probably spend the same amount on non-essential items, but on different things.
Also, I would gladly accept castoffs from my parents, but buying used beds/sofas/futons squicks me out because of the bedbug issue.
PS: my parents salvage garbage furniture as well, dude. I’m telling you, you and your wife are dangerously similar to my crazy 'rents.
When I moved out of my parents’ house, I moved across the country. It wasn’t practical to take any of their old crap with me, and everything in my apartment was bought new (I mean, it’s from IKEA, I didn’t exactly buy anything fancy, but it was new).
It never occurred to me that this could be a big deal to anyone.
My mom does occasionally try to get me to take one of her sewing machines, but I think this has less to do with getting rid of her stuff than it does her delusion that I am a mini-her and enjoy sewing. (My mom is a professional quilter. I learned to sew and embroider at a young age, and I spent half my childhood being dragged around fabric stores and quilt shows. I HATE SEWING, I will never want to make my own clothes, and I will definitely never want to make a quilt. My mom is in denial over all of this.)
As she is our first kid to move out, this is the first time we’ve addressed many of these issues. One thing we’ve wondered is how much - if anything - we should plan on giving our kids to help them out with weddings, home purchases, or any other significant events/expenditures. We don’t have so much cash that we will be able to do so without budgeting on our part. So I guess I should be relieved that their “independence” suggests that they will not need or expect as significant assistance/generosity from us as I had suspected.
I’m certain that at least one aspect of my emotions is that I would appreciate the opportunity to assist my kid in this respect.
And I readily admit that I am quite conservative - and out of touch with most of modern society - when it comes to personal finances and the acquisition of consumer goods.
Are you talking about something other than my expectation to know the grades earned by someone whose education I was funding?
Just wondering exactly where this was coming from.
Yeah -the missus and I were saying this very thing yesterday.
Well they must be pretty fine folk to have raised such an upstanding young individual as yourself!
On the other hand, any stuff you don’t give her now will still be available to give the other kids if/when they need it.
I could tell you stories about why I didn’t take the money my dad offered for our wedding - it came with FAR too many strings attached, some of which would have been horribly offensive to my mom (yay divorced parents!), as well as to me. I’m glad we were in a position not to have to take it.
Tell me about it. When we got married, my in-laws were in the process of a nasty divorce following revelation of FIL’s ongoing bigamy. We were going to have a totally cheap, casual reception, but my MIL wanted something as fancy as my wife’s older sister had had, and said she’d foot the bill. So we let her. Then the day before the wedding she said “Oh yeah, you need to get a check for the reception from your dad!” :eek:
I’m pretty dedicated to buying used furniture, when I bought a car I chose a hatchback so that I could move furniture. Oddly, the car was bought new.
IME a preference for new is something that people get from their parents. That is, if their parents are the types to only buy new clothes and furniture, never accept hand-me downs and throw out stuff rather than trying to fix scratches/stains, then the kids are the same way and can’t imagine owning furniture with someone else’s “germs”. So it’s also possible that the boyfriend grew up in that sort of house, and he thinks that new is just what you are supposed to do. And hey, if no one ever bought new there there wouldn’t be used furniture for me to buy, so who am I to judge what people do with their money?
But that said, the other explanation proposed, they’d rather keep some distance and not accept the gift, is what came to mind immediately and is probably more likely.
For what it’s worth - now that I’m out of school and out of my parents’ place, I really don’t expect or want any financial assistance from them at all. I’m a gainfully employed adult, after all. The closest my parents came to offering any kind of ongoing support was an offer to pay my pet deposit and my cat’s vet bills - the cat was moving from their place to mine, so they kind of feel like she’s still “their” cat as well. 
Didn’t take them up on the offer, though.
The only new piece of furniture that I bought when I moved out of my parents’ house was a bed. The rest was hand-me-downs from family. I didn’t buy any furniture, except an armoire and a bookcase that I got at antique stores, until I bought my first house.
27 here. I love, love, love old, antique or recycled furniture, and it feels much “real-er” and “nicer” to me than the nasty new stuff available today. Or maybe I should say available today within my budget? I’m sure someone has to be making really good furniture nowadays, but I don’t see any. One of my greatest triumphs so far is discovering that an old door that my dad had lying about the place could be repurposed into the most marvellous headboard.
I think that sometimes happens just as you say (my parents and I are fans of the whole simple/frugal thing, and my husband and his parents are into everything new - and tasteless IMO - though I’m slowly converting him;)), but sometimes works the opposite way so that it skips a generation. A good friend of mine has a complete hippie of a mother with hair down to her waist and into everything handmade, but my friend, although she adores her mom, is completely the opposite in both personal style and interests. That seems to be what’s happening here, and it seems perfectly normal to me!
A parent’s job for the time they live with you is to set high expectations and to push. A parent’s job thereafter is to let go and provide a safety net.
Let go man. If the lessons you imparted by your teaching and example about living within your means and not taking on debt for unimportant stuff(my parent’s rule was house and car are the only things you’re allowed to finance, but that was before school got so expensive) have stuck then you’ll see that. If not, then she’ll learn what she needs to learn the other way. Your role now is to make sure she and any future grandchildren don’t starve or end up homeless, and that’s not in play here. So take the time you’re worrying about it and head down to the links instead.
Enjoy,
Steven