My Grandmother’s dining set is starting to disintegrate. I bought some wood glue last week.
My Brother cast off this set to me about 10 years ago because it wasn’t modern enough, and he wanted a glass dining table. I’d like a different set, but would never consider spending money on that unecessarily. Brother makes less money than I and has four more children than I do.
He bought his furniture on credit, of course, a thing that I would never consider doing. But to be honest, it’s mroe important to him because it affects him. His mood is largely dependent upon a certain “look” to his surroundings. Thigns need to be neat and clutter minimal to non-existent in order for him to relax.
Me? Meh! Does it still function? Yes? Why replace it? Is it int he way? no? Then why move it?
The thread topic was not “What do you think of my daughter’s situation?” but “When did you start buying more expensive stuff?” There are even more judgmental posts than there are people who answered the question.
My answer is that I tried to get nice stuff when I went to college, but did so on credit, and have had to pay for it. Now I don’t even see anything attractive about new stuff if I can get old stuff that works just as well. I tend to give things to people (not even just loved ones) and I appreciate getting some of that back. It’s part of the way I express my love.
And only to counter out the people saying how wrong you are: I get it. Giving people things is part of how you express your love. It’s quite common. Unfortunately, it seems that your daughter does not respond to that kind of love. Chances are she doesn’t get that she is hurting you, even if not that much. I honestly can’t imagine not taking at least one thing after a bunch of things had been offered. I’d get it after a bit. I wouldn’t want to mess up my relationship just because I preferred newer things.
Neither side is more rational (or more irrational) than the other.
We sarted buying what we consider “nice” furniture when we bought our second home after 10+ years of marriage.
Our first apartment was furnished almost entirely with cast-offs, hand-me-downs, and stuff found by the side of the road.
When we moved into our first home we went through a serious Pier One phase, and there is no point in buying too nice of kid furniture. It wasn’t until our 3d kid that we realized how stupid (in our opinion) buying kid furniture (other than a crib) was.
When we moved into our current home we started buying nicer stuff for several reasons. Most importantly, I was pretty established in my job and making decent coin. Second, our home was pretty nice (in our opinion) and we decided not to put anything into it that wasn’t nice (which does not necessarily = expensive). As a whole higher quality furniture holds up far better than cheap stuff. Third, we had experienced enough to have developed definite tastes and preferences which we were comfortable were not going to change drastically too soon.
Finally, at some point we realized that when we were buying a new chair to match an existing couch, that we had bought that couch because it worked well with that coffee table we had been given, which had had fit in our old apartment, where it had sat next to a cable spool end table and across from a lawn chair. The only way we saw to break that string was to replace entire rooms of furniture at the same time.
My in-laws are antique collectors, and also have some stuff handed down in the family over 2 centuries. When we got married my father-in-law wanted me to assure him that I wouldn’t toss it out in favor of crap from Ethan Allen - not hard to do.
Right after we got married we got a table from 1830 and some ugly but solid chairs from 1820 or so. Now, 30 years later, I finally got the great desk they had downstairs, a a desk virtually identical to one shown on Antiques Roadshow (secret compartment and all.) We’ve rejected things that we don’t like, like an ugly and uncomfortable old couch.
We’re frugal too, but mostly you get adjusted to stuff, and it is hard to get up the energy to change it.
If my post came across that way, I apologize, it certainly wasn’t meant to.
I encountered something similar when I got my first garden. I had always dreamed of having my own, an knew exactly what I wanted to put in it. I graphed out the space and planted very carefully. I had a five year plan on what I would start with and how I would build the soil to accommodate more dense plantings.
My Mother, a master gardener, went through her garden and began thinning plants she thought would look good in my garden. Despite multiple requests, she kept showing up with flats of the wrong plants, in the wrong colors, which I couldn’t possibly use without completely spoiling my vision for the space.
I told her honestly each time how I felt, and she just continually did it.
I think it was a metaphor for her finally admitting that I had my own life which I was choosing to build very differently from hers. I’d been on my own for a decade, but she hadn’t really dealt with that fact yet.
Let your daughter build her vision. Accept and enjoy the chance to get to know her all over again. It’s kind of like when they learn to talk. You finally get to see their own personality shining through. It’s that, on yet another level. . . **
**Someone please save that and send it back to me in 16 years. kthxbai.
At this point in their lives, they should be putting every extra dollar they have toward saving for a substantial down payment on a home.
They also should also be driving older vehicles and living in a small apartment in a less desirable part of town. All to save up toward buying their first place to live, but something tells me they aren’t doing either of these things.
After they are comfortably making their mortgage payments, then they can go out a buy some nice new furniture.
My husband and I bought our apartment at 23 (currently 27) and the only hand-me-down we got was a microwave from his parents. We were offered other items from both sets of parents and were grateful, but we could easily afford to buy furniture and we wanted our home to reflect our tastes. We have our fair share of Ikea, vintage and flea market furniture, so it doesn’t have to be fancy, but it does have to be something we like.
After buying our place we spent about $30,000 painting, doing minor renovations (installing glass shower panels, pulling up carpet), buying furniture and other household items. I don’t think our parents ever worried - we’re fairly frugal in general and live well below our means. But our home is our refuge, where we spend a large chunk of our time - for us it would have been a false economy to own ugly furniture instead of waiting a little, shopping carefully and buying beautiful things that make us happy every day.
my first apartment came furnished, and I hated it, but I still think garage sale chairs are always better than new ones. Somehow they just seem happier.
a bit off topic-my parents were very frugal people, but they generously offered to pay for my entire wedding, and within 5 minutes of them making the offer it became their wedding and I was just trying not to complain and seem ungrateful.
In the end it was beautiful, but there were 200 people there, and many of them I didn’t even know. None of it, the venue, food or flowers were “me” at all, and the sad part is that if they’d let me plan it they would have ended up spending almost nothing for a picnic on the beach.
So I vote for offering a specific amount, and let them do with it what they will.
