How Porn Movies Have Ruined My Life

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

It’s true. Porn has ruined my enjoyment of life and scarred my psyche. Here’s how:

Not once have I gotten a hummer as part of a job interview.

Never has a female pizza delivery person brought some pizza and agreed to accept sex as a tip. Neither do the ones who work for UPS or FedEx.

None of my female neighbors have popped by to model their new lingerie for me or trade sex for a cup of sugar.

Not one of my girlfriends has brought one of her girlfriends home to “try something new.” Never. This one really irritates me.

None of my female co-workers are up for a quickie in the storage room. In fact, they seemed shocked at the suggestion.

Some of those positions really aren’t that comfortable. Some of them downright hurt.

For years I had an inferiority complex until I learned those guys in the movies - that’s not your average size.

And most importantly – Women do not get turned on when you just whip it out for them.

Stupid porn movies. Totally unrealistic.

2

Crunchy - did it ever occur to you that maybe, JUST MAYBE, you’re playing the wrong background music when the pizza delivery girl shows up? These things don’t just happen, ya know - ya gotta set the mood!!

Sheesh!

3

Is there something wrong with Ray Stevens?

Gitarzan, The Streak, Ahab the Arab, Gidget the Midget – these are all classics!

4

As a result of the afforementioned pizza delivery experiment, I always have something with a sleazy saxophone playing over a funky bass guitar, and at least one guitar track involving gratuitous use of a wah-wah pedal on the stereo everytime I order a pizza.
Still, it dosent work.

5

Hey FairyChatMom, how’s it going
Bom chicka bom bom
looks like you need a “hard drive”
doon chickity bom ba

6

It’s also rather embarrassing when you have the proper mood music and lighting, dressed in a silk kimono and boxers, only to open the door and find a guy there.

7

Obviously, you haven’t perfected porn star dialog, a guaranteed turn-on for all women. Next time you order a pizza try something like this.

Hi
pizza
delivery
?
Iwouldliketoorder
a large
sausage –
(long pause)
heheh – pizza.
(don’t wait long enough for them to actually say anything before hanging up.)

And, as noted, don’t forget the cheesy music.

8

Why? Go for it - act amorous and Mrs-Robinsonish. Either you’ll get a new experience, or he’ll leave you the pizza and run without getting paid.

9

I do declare, you know how to turn a girl’s head!!!

<swooning delicately>

10

Sex or free pizza? Talk about a win-win situation!

11

It may be win-win for you, xizor, but I’m not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. . .

12

I’m not gay either, but I’ll risk it for free pizza :slight_smile:

13

You turn more than heads with the way you look baby! But speaking of head…
Bom chicka na na na, chickity do wah bowh

14

I don’t know why, but this just struck me as one of the funniest lines I’ve read in a while.

15

I may have posted this once before, but the only porn I’ve ever seen is Deep Throat, and my most vivid memory is the theme song:

“…Don’t get your goat
Don’t rock the boat
That’s all she wrote
Deep Throat…”

Hubby figured out REAL fast that I didn’t find porn conducive to seduction!!
[hijack]
One childless evening, I lit the candles in the bedroom and hubby put a stack of classical CDs in the player.

We were enjoying ourselves.

In case you’ve ever wondered, the 1812 Overture is a real mood-breaker!!
[/hijack]

16

Oh, I don’t know. If you can time things just right with that bit with the cannons going off…

17

Crunchy, check your e-mail… I sent you some music to play the next time you order a pizza!

18

Thanks Twisty. Now why do you think it is though that everyone latched on to that one statment about the pizza delivery girl? Is it possible I have tapped into some universal, but unspoken fantasy here?

19

Come to think of it, I’ve never even had a female deliver me pizza, let alone have sex with me while doing it.

20

Sex is like pizza. even bad pizza is still pizza.
no, I think its because most of the porn plots involve pizza delivery guys/gals more so than UPN or FedEx.

That being said, My dream profession would involve me saying
“I’m here to clean the pool” quite a lot.