What if real life were more like porn?

Pizza delivery, plumber and pool cleaner would be the most sought after jobs in America.

Semen would taste like gum drops and lollypops and women would not be able to get enough of it.

Also, it would be a highly effective facial exfoliate.

High heels would be the only available shoes for women and they would never remove them.

All sororities would have mandatory lesbian orgy hazing.

There would be the unending wakka-cha-wakka soundtrack going all the time.

And everyone would fast-forward throught the boring bits.

Go to www.comedycentral.com and check the Chappelle Show’s videos. One of the skits is what if real life were like porn spam.

What if real life were like porn?

Good question!

But more importantly, what if porn were like real life?

The husband would walk in on his wife with the plumber, divorce her, loose the children in a viscious custody battle, get screwed on child support, and end up living in a tiny 1-bedroom apartment and driving a 1987 corvette that needs body work.

The wife would become an alcoholic slut, and spend the next several years boinking everything with a pulse and neglecting her children. Eventually, she’d settle down with “Randy,” a 23-year old motorcycle mechanic with a methamphetamine problem and poor teeth. He’ll spend all of her money before knocking over a convenience store and leaving her all alone in the world. Again.

The male child will become a goth of the worst sort, wearing white facial makeup, dyeing his hair black, and wearing floor-length black robes to school. He will be mercilessly picked on by his peers, and will spend most of his free time writing angst-ridden poetry that has about as much sophistication and unique insight as “Police Academy XIV”. In college, he’ll become a furry and spend four years walking around with a plush tale hanging out the back of his pants. He’ll ditch it in order to get a job, and eventually settles into a reasonably normal life, but he’s forever marred by the stigma of having had his first sexual experiences while wearing a giant raccoon suit.

The female child will, inexplicably, manage to come out relatively unscathed by staying as far away from her destroyed family has humanly possible. She’ll go to a community college, transfer to a four year school, get a BSN and embark on a succesful career has a nurse. She’ll marry a good man, and will enjoy a prosperous life, until her husband will come home early from a business trip on a day she’d taken off of work to supervise a plumber replacing her garbage disposal…

If life was like porn, the Amish would be the new kinky.

Also, women wouldn’t speak except to grunt and holler unconvincingly.
In fact, sex would become worthless as every woman would never look as if she were enjoying it at all. There’d probably be a law somewhere that says you have to pull out and jerk off at the end of every act.
Phooey.

Do I sense some sort of ‘autobiographical’ vibe there? I ask merely for information.

Everytime I opened a man’s pants, I’d be *surprised * at what I found there.

I’ll be happy to come home and find my man screwing around with my best friend.

When a stalker came in the house while I was masturbating I wouldn’t scream and call the police, but instead, let him help. :eek:

I’d easily, constantly, and without thought use sex to buy my way out of negative situations.

Every male would only be white or black…well, maybe the occasional Latino guy.

I would dream vivid, sex-filled dreams, which would come true shortly.

Semen will be the new black. Shouldn’t wear it after labor day, though.

Not being you, I can’t say what you sense or don’t sense. :slight_smile:

Other then being a child of divorce, I don’t really have anything in common with any of the specifics in my “If porn was like life” story.

The only furnature available would be beds, green and orange couches, and pool chairs.

And all the men wear flares.

All school girls would be at least 18 and all schools would have uniform requirements.

-foxy

i’d finally break that 3-minute barrier!

I am strangely aroused.

Men would have to wait, foot tapping, hand on the side, eyes looking upward, while cumming copious amounts of love juice, that seemed to never end. And then, do it again.

The Earth would be a barren wasteland after the first porn generation died off without ever having produced a single child.