(Or waiters, I suppose, though I won’t pretend to think that men & boys are as likely to encounter this difficulty as women & girls.)
One day last month, two of my colleagues & I met for breakfast at a café within walking distance of my apartment. Our waitress, BECCA, recognized me on sight and was her usual friendly, extremely competent self. In addition to the normal server duties, this involved setting out Splenda as soon as we sat (because, with my marble-like retinas, I can’t tell those packets from sugar) and otherwise compensating for my blindness. She also complemented my suit, advised me to take my overcoat to the cleaners, and straightened my tie before we left. Like I said, she is extremely competent. I gave her a generous tip as always.
After we left, the younger of my two coworkers, RON,  opined that Becca is extremely hot and that I am lucky to be doing her. I replied truthfully that ours is a strictly waitress/customer relationship. Becca is just doing her job extremely well. Ron disagreed, insisting that her level of solicitude could only indicate romantic desire. He phrased it a bit more crudely than that. He then made it his business to go to that café for breakfast a few more times and hit on her — because of course, a waitress willing to fuck ONE customer must be willing to fuck ANY customer.
 I heard about this at Sunday brunch with my kids, when Becca commented that it was a relief to see me there without Ron. Apparently his advances have been more than a little insistent.
I am not trying to solve Becca’s problem. She is a grown damn woman, and any woman who has been in the food service industry for a few years is aware of the possibility of things like this happening. That said, I do wonder what is the best way for waitresses — and for that matter, their bosses — to deal with oafs who mistake friendliness & competence for sexual interest, who think that big tips entitle them to dates, and who refuse to take a hint.
I’m not a woman, and have never worked in food service so I will humbly defer to those who have more direct experience, but as I see it there are several attitudes of increasing directness that one can take:
polite acknowledgement of comments without commitment (“aw how sweet of you to say so, here’s your pie.”)
ignoring the overtures (just put down the food without comment)
polite dismissal (Thanks that’s very flattering but I’m seeing someone)
out right rejection (Listen I’m not interested OK!)
getting the manager involved to explain the situation clearly to the customer and kick out/ban him if he doesn’t change his ways.
get a restraining order from the police (hopefully not necessary)
It is not necessary to hit all of the stops on the way down and depending on severity of the harassment could skip straight to step 5. But if uncomfortable solicitations continue in spite of refusals at a given level of directness, the next interaction should be further down the list.
Alternatively, if circumstances allow it, one could handle the situation without direct confrontation simply by making sure that when that customer patronized the establishment he is always served by another member of the staff.
I’ve heard some waitresses will switch tables with another server if a customer gives them problems like that. In some cases the manager will take over. It serves as a subtle way of squashing the flirting without having to address it with the customer directly.
As an aside, I think your appraisal of the situation is correct. Flirting being part of her waitress shtick is far more likely than her actually being interested. Unless you’re Chris hemsworth.
But it’s possible to know for sure, without having to take things to the level of being explicitly rejected or annoying her. You just have to listen and notice the signals.
I don’t even perceive her niceness to me as flirtatious. she is just doing things that are harder for a blind man. The only thing that happened between the two of us in Ron’s presence that might be construed as flirtatious was her straightening my tie, which at least involved some physical contact.
These two positions advocated by you and Ron in your particular case exclude a middle position which is frequently the case. So if you’re going to make this a general question, it’s worth paying attention to that.
Which is that the waitresses are in fact flirting with the customers, but not because of any genuine romantic interest, and certainly without any desire to take it any further, but because they believe - with considerable justification - that flirting will increase their tips.
Customer becomes tiresome, waitress invites customer to her place, customer is murdered & butchered, the customer is returned to the restaurant, excellent food and service continues as before.
“No secret, it’s the meat. Don’t skimp on the meat. I’ve got a real good eye for prime meat.”
Well, there are lines that can be crossed. Physical contact might be one; sitting in their booth and chatting with them for an hour during a dead period might be another. (And yes, I’ve heard of the latter happening.)
Buck Godot got it in post #2. Hopefully she has a manager who will have her back if it comes to it. Some waitstaff don’t.
That said–And this is apparently going to surprise some of you–Waitstaff are actual human beings with all the good and bad things that entails, including the ability to feel compassion and friendliness to a regular customer. They aren’t flirtbot-2000, programmed to maximize tipping, all emotions simulated. She saw a blind guy who could use some help, so she helped him with a few things, because that’s what a good person does. At the bar I have my side hustle at, we have a legally blind customer and I help him call an Uber and get in it when it’s time to go. I do it 'cause I like the guy and want him to get home safe. That’s it. That’s my sole motivation.
As a guy, it’s hard to tell the difference (because we wish it were true that a cute young woman is bowled over by our charisma). So I’ve learned to assume they’re just being friendly.
Always a wise strategy. I play that one so faithfully I damn near missed out on my second marriage. The Missus thought I was uninterested, I thought I was just having lunch with a hot coworker.
Becca has sat at my table once — ONCE — to chat. We were discussing some movie or other. Probably one of the early Avengers, but I’m not sure. and I occasionally interact with her outside of work. Once she drove by me while I was out for a walk and offered me a ride, not realizing I was walking for the exercise, and later she did give me a ride home from the grocery store when we chanced to be leaving at the same time.
But so what? The thread question wasn’t whether she is flirting with me. I am virtually certain she is not, and the only reason I add that qualifier is that I am never utterly certain about the interior life of another person. The thread question was what are the best ways for a waitress to handle unwanted attention from dudes who mistake her friendly competence for sexual interest, or who refuse to accept that she has the right not to be interested.
The person in my real life who alleged that she had more than friendly interest in me is also the person who, by her testimony, has refused to take no for an answer and is making her working life more difficult. I would rather not be associated with him.
I would say the best way would be for the waitress to dial back the friendliness and flirtation to the minimum professional requirement.
[quote=“Skald_the_Rhymer, post:15, topic:848305”]
Becca has sat at my table once — ONCE — to chat. We were discussing some movie or other. Probably one of the early Avengers, but I’m not sure. and I occasionally interact with her outside of work. Once she drove by me while I was out for a walk and offered me a ride, not realizing I was walking for the exercise, and later she did give me a ride home from the grocery store when we chanced to be leaving at the same time.
But so what? The thread question wasn’t whether she is flirting with me. I am virtually certain she is not, and the only reason I add that qualifier is that I am never utterly certain about the interior life of another person…QUOTE]
Yeah, I hate to break it to you - but Becca’s behavior goes a bit beyond the call of duty for a typical waitstaff/customer relationship. Maybe she’s just likes you as a friend, but I don’t think it would be inappropriate for you to casually ask her if she wanted to go on a date (if you want to).