Hitting on the help -- musings.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So I hear all the time, whenever waitstaff and/or clerks gather to bitch, that they hate hate HATE being hit on by customers.

I’ve never understood this. I mean, I do and I don’t. When I was a cashier, and I was getting hit on by recent divorcees in their 40s (at the time, I was 17-18), that was kinda creepy. But when I was working as a counter clerk for a sub shop in a college town, I absolutely LOVED those (very) rare times when a cute girl would ask me what I was doing after work. Nothing much ever came of it, granted, since I was engaged to my lovely wife at the time, but I thought it was flattering and kinda gave me an ego boost for the rest of the day.

Any thoughts on this? I’m thinking it’s one of to things: either I’m much less uptight than most clerks/waitstaff (possible, since I didn’t ever do it for long or for anything but spending money); or it’s one of those things that’s fine if you do it respectfully but so few people ever do that it’s condemned in general.

…while this was inspired by the fact that one of the clerks at my local video store is smoking hot and has marvelous taste in cinema (at least judging by the number of items on her “employee picks” shelf that I’ve rented), I don’t really have any ulterior motives. I try not exposing random passerby to my polyamory. (how to do that, I’m sure, is a whole another thread)

2

One reason I hated it (and so many servers hate it) is because we work for tipe. Being nice to you is our job - in some instances we wouldn’t smile at you at all if we had a choice. If we just flat out say no we’re gonna lose income. If we try to be polite, we risk encouraging the assholes. Fortunately when I was a bartender I had a very safe excuse - I was married. And then, of course, I’d hear “I don’t mind”. Well, I do. Thanks but no thanks.

3

Any possibility there’s a gender divide here? Most guys I know don’t mind being hit on, no matter the circumstances. Lots of women, on the other hand, when they’re at work, find it creepy or disgusting or rude or otherwise inappropriate. There’s a still a long and sordid history of male bosses and important male clients hitting on the secretaries, servers, etc. Doesn’t happen at all where I work, but the history’s there.

4

Admittedly, tips weren’t as big a deal for me as a counter clerk, but they were still a disproportionately high percentage of my income, so I see where you’re coming from here. The nice thing about cashiering was that the assholes and creepy ladies could be brushed off without risking my job or my income.

I imagine that’s probably part of it as well–especially since I was equally irritated by being hit on by people with a power imbalance with me where I never minded being hit on by people near my age, who were polite, etc.

I’ve only ever asked a waitress for her number once. Granted, I also followed what I thought were a good set of guidelines (mostly empty restaurant, business slow enough that she was chatting with some of her tables, similar age and social status) and she was apparently not put off enough to give me her number along with the check. :wink:

5

I’ve never been a server or a bartender or even worked retail, but I would imagine being hit on would get old really fast. How many times can you hear the same “clever” line and not scream? How do you constantly and civilly deflect come-ons by people who absolutely do not appeal to you? And for those who see no harm in hitting on “the help” - how would you feel if strangers constantly flirted and came on to you while you were trying to do your job?

My youngest sister has been tending bar for 20+ years and in recent years, she’s started using aliases at work - kinda like a name-a-day. It entertains her and her coworkers and makes it less likely that some drunk will track her down outside of work. Of course, if someone was really obnoxious, I’m pretty sure she’d have no problem telling him where to get off - she’s not exactly shy…

6

There are people we all run into in life to whom one cannot be kind without being misunderstood; these people take anything but blatant rejection as interest - because they desperately want to. These people often make an effort to just go out in hopes of making human contact that they otherwise don’t have. If you’re nice to these folks in the course of your job and don’t flat out reject them they can quickly become a problem. They may wait at the door until you get off work, stand aside the line and try to keep talking to you while you serve other customers, wait outside to see when you leave, etc. You as a server/cashier don’t always know these people before you open your mouth and they’re too scary to take a chance on finding out. I found (after some run-ins) that it’s best to be cool and keep each person at arms length for my own well-being.
If you think I’m exaggerating, ask your female friends.

I should add that I am **not ** some smoking hot foxy mama who drives men/women wild with desire just with my presence, so it’s not like I’m irresistible and above societal norms. Just last Thursday I had to uncomfortably dodge an older man at my temp assignment who asked me for my number three times over the course of the day after speaking to me for less than a minute.

7

This, I don’t understand. I mean, first of all, once is enough, no is no. Second of all, less than a minute? Some people. The one time I did it, I’d been chatting with the server for 10-15 minutes over the course of the dinner (mostly due to her wandering to tables with people her age and chatting for 5min when it was slow).

8

Reminds me of my buddy’s favorite line.

proffers a handkerchief Hey, baby. Does this smell like chloroform?

No, he doesn’t go on many dates. :smiley:

and for the humor impaired, no, there’s no chloroform and he’s actually quite the gentleman. It’s called a joke, son

Thus far as a billing rep I have had:

One man play his accordion for me (no, no euphemisms, he had an accordion, he played it).

One man ask me if I wanted to go out with “a very very manly fellow in Austin…”

One asked me for my sign, interpreting from my name that I was quite an assertive, take-charge, take-no-crap kind of person.

Numerous “Such a beautiful voice” compliments.

One fellow who joked that we were just after his money. I chuckled and didn’t say anything. “You admit it! You’ll make a perfect ex-wife one day.” I was kind of speechless, but I gave that customer-laugh – the one where you don’t actually want to make the other guy uncomfortable but damn, that was so not funny it wasn’t even funny for it.

“Oh, I’m glad I made you laugh. I’m actually an out-of-work comedian…”

“Really.”

It mostly makes me chuckle, and that’s probably because they’re not face to face. I imagine I would not enjoy being a bartender.

9

Completely true. As a married 40-something male, I pretty much never get hit on anymore. But the odd time I have noticed a female “looking.” She could be 21 or 63 and I would still enjoy it!

10

Everyone hates getting hit on at work…unless the person hitting on them is totally hot, then it’s ok.

11

When I was a call center rep, I would occasionally get hit on. I found it uncomfortable. First of all, you’re hitting on me over the phone after talking to me for thirty seconds? You know nothing about me. You don’t know how I look, or anything about me. It’s creepy and weird.

Face-to-face, it’s slightly better, but still taking advantage. After all, they have to be nice to you. My sisters waitressed a lot, and they were young (underage) and got hit on a lot by much older men. Well, they got hit on a lot period, but the guys who were skeevy about it (more than just a comment or two, trying to touch, etc.) were the fiftysomethings (or older). Gahh.

12

I guess I’m in the clear then. :cool: :smiley:

13

When I worked as a cocktail waitress, guys hit on me all day long (duh–comes with the job). I actually had fun with it most of the time, but the things that got old for me were…

~ guys who thought that because they flirted with you, that made them special and you should pay more attention to them than to your other customers (not realizing all the other customers were flirting as well).

~ guys who thought the flirting was going to go past the joking around flirting at the bar stage. They would get pushy about getting my number or meeting up somewhere outside of work.

~ guys who got grabby. That’s my ass, not a roll of Charmin, fella.

~ guys who flirted in a very vulgar manner. “I’d love to suck on them titties” is not a good flirt line, guys.

14

This is an older manager we’ll call Jim and at first I thought he was referring to a dinner with the group of people in the seminar he was attending. On this temp assignment I’ve been passed from department to department and thought he wanted to talk about finding me work in his department, so I told him it sounded like a good idea. ( I need the $$ so I’m amenable to the passing around.) He asked for my card, I told him I don’t have any. He says he’ll come back later as he has to go to the seminar. (It is down the same hallway.) I mention this exchange to a work friend who tells me Jim is just going through a divorce and there’s no dinner that she knows of and she’s in that group; did I mention I had dropped my engagement ring off to be sized the day before? Jim comes back a couple of hours later with his card and leaves it for me to write my # on so we can ‘get together for dinner sometime’. He comes back in the ofice a third time that afternoon and notes that I haven’t written my # down. I straightened things out then and claimed a misunderstanding. He went away then, poor man.

We’re not even talking about a social setting really, it’s a smelly, dirty paper mill.

15

I gotta say I’m horrified, Nawth Chucka. That’s the kinda stuff that’d get you fired around my workplace in a heartbeat as a “pattern of harassment” (which might be going too far the other way, grant.)

16

Oh, yes, OpalCat, the “grabbers”. My first job waitressing in a bar; one very crowded night this guy had been hitting on me all night long. Even if I had been interested (which I wasn’t) I didn’t have time to flirt because we were really busy. So jerkfack walks up behind me at the waitress station and grabs my ass - fingers probing between the cheeks and all. I slugged him and got fired because he was the son of the mayor of the town.

The silent partner/majority owner called me the next day and asked me if I wanted the job back. I told him I was a college student and needed a part time job but that I really didn’t want to go back there. He told me to go to the local country club(he was a member and on the board) the next day and I would be hired. I did and I was - great job, much better working conditions (no drunk no-tipping college students) and better pay.

The best part was when I got to bartend at the wedding of the mayor’s son. The look on his face when he came up to the bar was priceless! He made sure to go to the other bar for the rest of the reception. :slight_smile:

17

grumbles and scratches that line out of his Book O’ Pick-Up Lines

18

You just know there’s a guy out there who says that the one time it works it’s worth it.

I didn’t feel any threat from the guy, but that’s also because we’re in a different setting where I work in the same room with a large guy who’s protective of women. In a restaraunt setting, I’m surrounded by people who work for tips and it’s every person for themselves for the most part. This man didn’t scare me and he was just being a desperate, needy person, not fire-worthy.
Yet. We’ll see how it goes if I run into him again, I’m there for another week or so.

19

I had a customer lick me (yes, LICK ME) once. I turned around and punched him in the face. He got all puffed up and important about how he was going to get me fired and went storming off to the manager. Manager threw him out, then came to me and asked “so he must have done something pretty bad if you hit him. What did he do?” I didn’t get in trouble at all. :slight_smile:

20

I love being hit on by customers! Just the other day one of the musical guests (who was technically a customer, since I did serve her coffee!) asked me to join the band and their SOs for dinner after their set. She was single and I think I made a pretty decent impression. I haven’t talked to her much since then because I landed in the hospital (unrelated) and I’m in the middle of a big move too, but I feel pretty good about it and I’m glad she asked me out.

Dan Savage says that unwanted approaches are creepy and welcome approaches are sweet. I agree. How I would take a customer hitting on me depends on whether or not I want a piece of that customer too. OTOH, there are some requests I’d turn down at work but say yes to off the clock. I mean, if a hot girl came up to me and asked me to join her in an MFM threesome, I can’t say yes to that in front of my coworkers and customers, but I’d probably be more than happy to join in otherwise.

As for me hitting on the help at some other store? I try to keep it subtle, and I back off quickly if she doesn’t show interest–after all, she is at work, and she probably doesn’t want to shoot me down right then and there. Nor do I want to make her feel uncomfortable in a situation where I can leave at any time but she’s stuck to her spot.