In one of my college classess, there’s this girl who I think is pretty good looking and I’d like to try and get to know her. Problem is, I am not good at social conversations and get anxious sometimes talking to people or asking them things. And I found out she has a BF, so should I at least try to establish a friendship?
Try to start a friendship only if you actually want a friendship.
If you are not interested in a friendship, but only taking a number to date her “next” it doesn’t work like that. Let it go. She has boyfriend, full stop.
Don’t worry, I wasn’t going to try something underhanded like hit on a girl with a BF or something.
My point is that pretending to want a friendship when you only really want a dating relationship is far more underhanded. Just “not hitting on her” isn’t enough. " . . .she’s pretty good looking" is your only stated reason for wanting to get to know her. So I’m feeling pretty certain that your intentions are fairly one-dimensional.
If she dumps her current b/f for you, then she’ll dump you for the next guy that comes along … right now, you two are classmates and that allows a certain amount of interaction … here’s an opportunity to get to know her a little and see what happens … she might be a big fan of Hannah Montana and you don’t want to go there, now do you? …
That final sentence right there is why Nice Guys ™ are so thoroughly despised. You know, “I’m so nice to her, I’m aaaaalways her loyal friend … why won’t that bitch fuck me?!?”
Yeah, that’s not being a friend; that’s waiting around until she’s finished with her current penis.
To be clear, BloodStalk, I’m not saying you’re one of those guys - maybe you are, hopefully you’re not, I dunno. But I do know that your words, your mindset about this scenario and your proposed “solution” all parallel the way that Nice Guys ™ tend to behave.
You’re friends with someone because you enjoy their company, you value the insights they can give or the jokes they crack, etc. Not because they’re hawt & you’re hoping to touch their naughty/fun bits.
Oh wow. You guys are seriously right. I am looking at this in a very shallow manner and I don’t intend to act like that ‘Nice Guy’ thing.
Maybe and maybe not. It may be a very casual relationship or she may just be saying that because she wasn’t interested on one particular day.
Basically the better strategy is to approach large numbers of women with the expectation you will get a large number of rejections than to try to only approach women you are fairly sure will respond positively. With the latter strategy you wouldn’t approach the woman who at first glance turned out to be standoffish–but who might turn out to be the love of your life.
My advice would be to get to know several nice attractive women that you arent crushing on.
Maybe something will spark, maybe it won’t.
But if you’ve already built up a fantasy about some stranger, don’t pursue it. It won’t end well. Maybe she’ll disappoint you totally by not liking you. Or maybe she’ll like you but you’ll still be disappointed because she’s a real person and not a fantasy.
I used to be incredibly shy. I recommend just talking to people to get over you anxiety. The grocery store clerk, the person in line. Anyone. Ask your waiter their name. Some will ignore you, which is fine, some will want to tell you their life story.
The thing is, it opens YOU up. You will become more relaxed and be able to just talk to people. THEN you’ll find the right person.
Married for 20 years now. My Wife and I met and knew it was right (that’s a story in itself). I’ve had my crushes for sure. Girls I pined over for years. Not one of them ever worked out.
Learn to talk to people in elevators, one day, you will find someone that is going to the same floor as you.
That’s true that the more you try, the more likely it is that you’ll eventually have success. But also if you are hitting on a large number of women, it is also more likely that you’ll hit on a number that know each other, and will talk about you and how you hit on everyone. It’s a lot less flattering for a girl to be asked out when she knows that guy has asked out four of her friends already, and it makes the girl less receptive.
I agree with enipla, and do what you can to get better with your social anxiety. Do some volunteering, or join a book club, or find other ways to talk to people. You might never be Mr. Charisma able to easily talk to anyone but you’ll get better and it won’t seem as scary to talk to people. Get used to talking to people in general, get used to meeting people, and it will be better for you overall and help you when you want to talk to an attractive women.
Perfect post/poster combo. 