How do I keep from getting stuck in the "acquaintance zone"?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I recently developed another crush on a girl recently and I started talking to her today. Nothing much so far. I introduced myself and asked her to do so as well which she did. I also kind of asked about herself. At first, she was kind of indifferent, but I think now she’s open to talking to me, especially after I kind of broke the ice by complimenting her on her sweater. Then her face kind of went from plain to bright and happy. I think part of it is that she does seem a little shy and introverted and it may be that it just takes some time for her to open up, so I am not taking this as a sign of disinterest just yet.

The problem:

I just never know what to talk about. Like I can talk about all the general stuff, but once I am through with that, I don’t know how to make my conversations with my current crush more personal and become more than just acquaintances. That has been my problem all along. I keep getting stuck in the “acquaintance zone” because I never know how to get to a point where we we could talk for long periods of time and about stuff that isn’t general or “boring”. I think that’s why I haven’t had any success with girls. I never get past the boring conventional conversation-making.

Basically, how do I cure this problem and get to a point at which she’s comfortable with me and then I can start thinking about asking her out (if possible)? I got through the introduction and the general stuff. Great. Now how do I get past that and actually start having real conversations and actually start getting to know her?

2

Ask her about her. Be interested in her.

3

It seems you are approaching every woman you meet as a potential date (or fuck)? Instead of, you know, just another person you talk to. Can you talk to an attractive woman you know without the fuckability factor?

Assuming you don’t have this problem with men, or women you don’t find attractive…stop objectifying attractive women as “hot or not” or “date material or not”. Women (I are one) are usually keenly attuned to men who are uncomfortable because, vagina :eek: and men who are desperate or trying really hard not to appear desperate. Because that comes across as creepy. Really creepy.

4

It sounds like your plan is to go from acquaintance --> friend --> trusted friend --> romantic interest, which doesn’t work most of the time (everyone is different of course, but just trying to generalize here). Don’t do that - not only will people lock into their perception of you as a friend by that point (if you subscribe to the “friend zone” theory), but also, it makes it seem like you’re only faking the friend part to get into their pants.

Just ask them out. Early on. If they say no, move on (or at least, if you want to continue a friendship, do so only for the sake of being friends, not because you hope there will be “something more” down the line).

5

Actually, I do. Aside from my close friends, I do have this problem regardless of whether I am talking to a girl I am interested in.

And magnusblitz, actually that’s not my plan. My “plan” is more to go from acquaintance -> potential lover -> date. This is for people I will see more than once so I don’t have to ask for their number or them out on a date right away. What I mean by “potential lover” is the point where the ice has been completely broken and the two of us can comfortably talk and banter back and forth and we sort of know each other, but not much. I don’t want to go right from acquaintance -> date in a situation where I actually have time. Like if it was a cold approach on the street, then of course I would try and get her number there because I won’t see her again. But if it’s like a girl in school, then I think it’s better to take the time to get to a point where you can flirt and are comfortable with each other beforehand.

But someone in my previous threads recommended not going in with a “goal” at first so as to ease the anxiety. That’s what I am trying to avoid here. I am just trying to get to a point where I can talk/flirt with her comfortably and then I can start thinking about asking her out. Once you have a bit of a foundation, not too much because you don’t want to get friendzoned, but somewhat, the asking out part comes easier. So that’s why I prefer to take this route if possible (which in this case it is). But as you know, I haven’t been able to get past that acquaintance status, and that is what this thread is about. How do I do that?

6

Talk about things you are interested in, that you think she might also be interested in. See if you can find something that you both enjoy talking about.

7

This. Ask how she likes living in <city you’re in> and why. Ask where she was raised, and what it was like. Ask if she has any pets - if she does, then ask what kind of personality they have. Above all, **listen **to what she says without worrying about your next question.

Someone I once met asked me what kind of child I had been. That was a fun question, and we ended up swapping childhood stories for half an hour.

8

Yeah, that’s the rule, women are only ever sexually interested in men who aren’t sexually interested in them. :rolleyes:

9

You’re making it too complicated. Instead do it like this:

acquaintance -> date

See? Problem solved.

Seriously, trying to learn how to become close to people in the context of trying to land dates is doing too many things at once. Just ask her out. Getting comfortable with each other in a quiet romantic restaurant on your first date is going to be much easier than where ever you’re chatting her up now.

10

This is sound advice, especially in the context of the thread title. If you don’t want to get stuck in the acquaintance zone, then I would suggest not lingering around in it.

Just ask her out.

You can’t be afraid of getting shot down, or you’ll never have any dates.

Besides, it only stings a little bit, you’ll be ok.

11

Yeah…I am not pursuing this any further. Today when I tried to talk to her, it was obvious that there was absolutely no indication of interest. Anytime I asked her something, she would just indifferently answer but never ask me or anything. And pretty much the only time she smiled was when I complimented her on a piece of clothing (yesterday). This happens to me every single time!

Every time there’s a girl I am interested in. I will try and talk to her and in the beginning I won’t really even flirt much (if at all), and just try to be friendly and stuff. They almost always at best won’t put any effort into the conversation (so they’ll never ask me anything and just answer whatever I ask them) and at worst they will act completely indifferent and walk away after we say “hi”, as I am trying to talk to them.

Just developed a new crush recently, introduced ourselves to each other yesterday and had some small-talk here and there yesterday and today and I have decided to not try and talk to her anymore because it’s obvious that there’s absolutely no indication of interest. Anytime I asked her something, she would just indifferently answer but never ask me or anything. And pretty much the only time she smiled was when I complimented her on a piece of clothing.

See what I mean? For a lot of people, they have issues where they will ask a girl out because they think she likes them and then get rejected, or they will date and she seems really into them, and then all of sudden she will call it off. That’s quite horrible and actually worse than my situation (in a way, all these girls did a favor by not showing any interest from the get-go so as to not get my hopes up).

But I am just trying to understand: why? Why are girls never interested in me? Why are they always indifferent or at best will talk to me but not unless I ask them something (so in other words, THEY don’t put any effort in - it’s all me trying to keep the conversation alive)? I mean, they’re not even open to talking to me as friends!

It seems like there are a lot of guys who don’t have to do ANYTHING and their romantic life is handed to them on a silver platter even if they’re complete douchebags. Then there are so many decent guys like me who girls won’t give the time of day. And by the way, I take care of my looks and hygiene, so that’s not an issue.

And I’ll say that this is not just a problem with girls. Really, I have no place, no real group of friends. I am just that loner dude who can talk to people on the surface and as acquaintances, but doesn’t really have any close friends (accept for maybe one or two). I think I am a pretty decent and approachable guy but actually this town is known to not be a friendly place, they say. And I have noticed that. I try to talk to people in general, and they are always indifferent, not just girls! People, in general are indifferent to me.

I take care of myself physically and am very open to talking to people, but no one else is, and it’s just really frustrating. It’s what intensifies my desperation for a girlfriend even more.

I’ll restate: chiroptera, actually this is a problem or me not just with girls. I think part of the problem is like I said, they never put any effort into talking to me. See if people and girls were actually open to talking to me, maybe I wouldn’t have so much of a hard time keeping conversations going.

12

Are you grilling her about herself? I can see how that would get annoying. And are your questions ones that could easily lead to another topic of conversation?

You say in your last paragraph that it’s not just girls, it’s people in general who aren’t open to talking to you. Sorry to be harsh, but the common denominator is you.

Do you have any hobbies or interests that other people share? Do you keep up with current events? Those are good places to start to find a common ground with people.

Also context is important. Are you interrupting people while they’re busy? Are you ignoring clues like a wedding or engagement ring?

13

[QUOTE=R3d Anonymous]
Every time there’s a girl I am interested in. I will try and talk to her and in the beginning** I won’t really even flirt much (if at all), and just try to be friendly and stuff.** They almost always at best won’t put any effort into the conversation (so they’ll never ask me anything and just answer whatever I ask them) and at worst they will act completely indifferent and walk away after we say “hi”, as I am trying to talk to them.
[/QUOTE]

So you don’t flirt with the women and are only friendly and you can’t understand why none of them are romantically interested in you?

I understand it’s frustrating to be unsuccessful at dating, but you come off sounding like you think you’re entitled to a woman’s romantic interest. What are you doing that’s so irresistible besides maintaining basic hygiene and not flirting with them?

If you want women to be interested in you, you’re going to have to be charming and funny and flirt with them.

Also, how are you meeting these women? Are they women a reasonable person would expect to be open to meeting someone new, like women at a party or a friend of a friend? Or are they strangers who have no reason to want to get to know you? Somewhere in between?

14

Where are you meeting these girls? My impression is you’re in school (high school or university?) and these are classmates you don’t know. In which case it is not completely unacceptable to develop an attraction at a distance and just walk up and introduce yourself…

but it’s still a pretty unsuccessful strategy. Look, she knows you’re talking to her because you’re attracted to her. She knows you’re not just a friendly guy who talks to everybody because you’re so friendly. If she doesn’t respond, then she’s not interested. Maybe she has a boyfriend. Maybe she doesn’t have a boyfriend but there’s several guys in her circle of friends she’s got her eye on.
(If this isn’t school, then don’t just walk up and talk to unknown women on the street or in stores. They are just trying to get on with their day. They didn’t plan to host a learning lab on Picking Up Women 101 today)
I think you need to develop a circle of friends. It’s a bitch. It’s hard. Don’t feel ashamed that you don’t have one already, that’s how it goes sometimes. There’s a number of ways to go about it, but it usually involves joining groups that do things or starting a group that does things. Then you have to put in A LOT of time doing things with those groups and finally things start to gel after a long time.

For some people having a circle of friends is effortless. You and me, we aren’t those people. For us, we have to put in a lot of time and effort and get real comfortable being awkward and pushing through it. I don’t know why that is, maybe it really isn’t all that effortless for anybody, but it’s the reality we have to live with.

If you need ideas for creating a circle of friends start a thread about how you do that here on the Dope, or even just ask for people to link to past threads on the topic.

But working on that circle of friends and then having those real relationships backing you up, and doing all those things you will do, all that will make you a more interesting person with better social skills that doesn’t feel like so much is on the line when you chat to a girl. You’ll be so much lighter. It’s gonna take a few years, get started now!

15

You need to learn how to flirt. Only pursue women who flirt right back.

Remember, no-one is under any obligation to flirt with you. If the women you are pursuing are giving out no signs of interest in you, politely move on.

16

Nope. For dating purposes, objectify away to your heart’s content, as in “I find you really attractive”. Just be polite about it - if someone isn’t into you, you gotta move along.

I don’t think there is anything creepy about being up-front about being attracted to attractive people, and wanting to date them.

17

Without actually knowing you, it’s hard to say for sure, but just from the reactions you’re describing it sounds like you’re coming across in a very off-putting way. That’s bad. It could be that something about your appearance or personality is creeping people out. It could be that you’re developing crushes on girls who are a fair amount more attractive than you and they guessed why you were talking to them and wanted to make it clear they weren’t interested right away. It’s hard to say without knowing you in real life.

In any case, I’d recommend taking a step back and working on developing a social group of friends. It’s so much easier to meet people when you’re out with friends than as a sweaty, stammering lone wolf. Having a well-developed social life also gives you fun, low stakes things to invite a new person to vs. going on A Date with a guy they barely know. Say you meet someone who works in your building. After you’ve chatted a bit and made a few jokes back and forth, you can just say “hey, my friends and I are going to that new bar downtown/having a party/playing laser tag/going out for Mexican tomorrow night, wanna join us?” They can bring friends along too, if they want, and you guys have a chance to talk outside of whatever setting you originally started talking in and see if you connect.

Or you can just meet people at the activities you do with your friends and talk to them enough that it wouldn’t be weird to ask them out directly. The main thing is to break out of the “pretty girl: target aquired” mindset you’re projecting through your posts. Get some friends, spend time doing fun stuff with them and the dating opportunities will come.

18

Just a thought, but you’re not actually saying “that’s a nice piece of clothing you’re wearing,” are you?

19

Not really, or at least I try to avoid it. But it’s difficult when she’s not asking you any questions.

Well I think part of it is that I have never really had a reputation at school. People never really took me seriously and still often don’t.

I play violin, LoL (casually), and have been playing tennis for almost a year. I also just recently got into watching soccer (with the World Cup and all).

No, and I am only 16, so no one is going to be walking around with a ring.

Actually, what I can’t understand is why most girls aren’t even friendly back. It’s just that girls are indifferent to me right from the beginning. See, I would flirt, but I never get to it because from the get-go it’s obvious that they’re not interested in talking to me, even as friends.

A lot of times I develop crushes on girls at school that I don’t know and don’t know me or barely so. That’s also an obstacle. I always have a hard time figuring out how to start because often times they will be with their friends or whatever. And then it seems awkward to just go up to them randomly. I also found out that some people advice against cold approaching in high school. Then again, there’s no other way for me to talk to my crushes.

Exactly. And I have tried that. But it just seems awkward and it has never worked in my experience when I have tried it. Like I said, I got rejected as soon as I said “hi” in some instances.

I think that’s the case.

Now you’re figuring it out. Not only does this cause me to always have crushes on girls I don’t know, but also it causes me to be lonely, which intensifies my desperation for a girlfriend even more.

Yep. That’s exactly what I meant in my last post. I see some people: their social and romantic life is handed to them on a silver platter.

That’s actually what I am making this thread about now as well.

Easier said than done man. I know that’s the solution, but I don’t know how to execute the solution. But it will take a few years? Remember, I am only in high school for two more years so…

Yeah, I was just frustrated because it seems like this happens every single time. Like I almost never get any indications of interest (IOI’s) ever. And people complain about getting rejected even after receiving IOI’s.

I searched up to see what girls think of this approach online, and a lot of them seem to think it’s creepy for a guy to imply that they think she’s attractive early on. This is why I, as I said, wait (just a little) for the girl to warm up to me (but which never happens) to start flirting (which I never get to as a result). And I think this is even more true for girls in high school.

20

I am struggling with this too.

Well the second part is what I was trying to do when I said that I don’t want to ask a girl out right away. But of course, I am missing the first part (having friends).

Yeah, unfortunately that’s how it works for me. Occasionally I develop crushes on girls. And then because it’s better to at least give it a shot than to wonder “what if”, I make an attempt anyway. Then I get rejected. Rinse and repeat.

No. I’ll usually just say something like, “I like your sweater.”