When is it appropriate to "chat up" a girl?

In My Humble Opinion
1

In light of some of the advice given in this thread, I’m curious as to when it is appropriate to “chat up” a woman in public. Let’s be honest, girls aren’t dumb (at least I hope the ones I would pursue aren’t), and as soon as I start chatting they are going to know full well what my real intentions are. So what is the proper etiquette?

  1. I hear a lot of people talking about just going up to a girl in a book store and starting conversation, but how do you start? As I said earlier, any girl is going to immediately recognize my intentions, so if she isn’t attracted to me right off the bat, she will find it extremely creepy. And even if that’s not the case, I never approach a girl who’s shopping because I just figure it would be rude. She’s in there to look at books, not get hit on. The same goes for girls working at any place behind a counter. If they aren’t attracted to me, they sure as hell don’t want me “chatting them up” because I’m sure they get enough of it already. I just hate being rude or inconveniencing people.

  2. Club, bar, and party situations are a little complicated because they involve girls who are often in groups. How do you go about something like that?

  3. Again, lots of advice for joining a dance class, but I have to say (and this is AFTER doing a google search trying to find any dance classes in my area), dance classes really don’t seem like the “hip” thing for people my age to do. How many 19-21 year old girls would I really stand the chance of finding at something like that?

I have been getting much better at talking with girls over the past few months, it’s just that those girls are few and far between, and are never single. I just really, REALLY need to know some ways to accelerate and expand my “base of operations,” for lack of a better term.

2

When you are out at the store or any other public place, it is fine to chat up a girl. But please, please- look at her body language before you walk up to her.

When I am sitting there with my head down, wearing pajamas, my hair messed up, shuffling through the store- I really don’t feel like being hit on. Now, I understand this isn’t always clear, I’m just advising you to keep an eye out for body language. Go after the perky, smiling girl that is strolling around the store.

I hope that makes sense? (If not, then it is late…and not my fault).

For what it’s worth: I’m 19. I don’t go to dance classes. I go to school, shopping, the gym, etc. Like I said, there are times when I don’t want to be bothered, but there are plenty of other times when it is perfectly cool for someone to engage a convo with me.

As far as what to say? Well, this is an area where others have disagreed, but here is what works on me: “Hi, I noticed you were looking at books on California history/Anime/ furries. I LOVE _______. :::some random small talk about topic…make it pretty quick:::. Well, I need to go right now, but you seem really cool. Could we maybe get together sometime to continue this convo? I’ll even buy the coffee :)”

3

What Diosa said. There is no place where it’s not appropriate. Well, there are, like funerals and such, but you get the idea. As long as you get the vibe that the woman is interested in being chatted up, go for it.

4

A word about dance class…
You go. You learn to dance. You learn to confidently take a woman in your arms and make her look good. You go dancing with people from class. You dance with them. Soon women will want to dance with you. Most women who go out dancing want to dance. I love men who can dance. My girlfriends love men who can dance. People in class have friends and daughters and co-workers and you’re such a nice boy! Salsa is big around here right now.
A word about your OP…
What are your intentions that girls who aren’t dumb will instantly suspect if you start a conversation? That you’d like to meet them? That you want to date them? That’s pretty presumptuous of them just from you saying “Hi”. Your speaking to them isn’t rude or inconvienient unless you shout. You just might make some girl’s day by smiling and saying hello.
Unless you shout.

Cyn, who was the nerdy student computer tech support at the college library and got hit on all the time but rarely minded it.

5

Whoa! dude! Women in groups? I consider this hitting paydirt if you ask me. Ask any hunter he (or she) will tell ya’ “Its much easier to shoot a bull in a herd than it is to shoot one by itself.”

How do you go about it? Just go up to the group and say “Hey. How are y’all ladies doing tonight?”

Chick’s love it when you call them ladies. It makes them turn to butter for some reason. (Ok I’m being facetious but there is a ring of truth to that)

Also, be sure to address the whole group and not just the lady that happened to catch your eye. All though, it wouldn’t hurt to give her slightly more eye contact than the others. :wink:

6

Because you’ve actually hit the paydirt yourself using this technique, or are you applying some kind of herd theory to picking up women in groups? Honest question.

7

Maybe it’s a little over confident on my part, but I do believe that if I approach a group of women of say three or more; I’m quite sure of myself that at least one of them will take a like’n to me.
I’m not trying to say I’ll bed them all at the same time if that’s what you’re asking…

8

Duh, sorry. I just reread your post. The answer to your question is: Yes I’ve been successfull in this technique.

(I’ve been up all night)

9

Internet. Communicate with women who not only know you’re looking but know that you know that they’re looking, too.

10

And when you chat up someone, over a book she’s looking at or the brand of coffee she’s buying, look her in the eye. Don’t look at the ceiling, or the floor, or at her chest. THAT is creepy.

11

:dubious: I presume by this you mean your intention is to have hot monkey sex as soon as possible, preferably with her and two of her friends?

Well, yes, she probably will sense that, and it’s a rare woman who will respond positively (and most of us are under 18 or over 27). But, instead of masking your feelings or learning how to hide your intentions, why not develop a more reasonable set of intentions?

Like, maybe your intention is to make a woman’s day with a nice, sincere compliment? Maybe your intention can be to give a woman your phone number (something I always prefer to a guy asking for mine). Maybe your intention should be to have an interesting conversation with an interesting person with similar interests.

Take some of the pressure off yourself. Don’t make it all about getting a hook-up. Make it about meeting new and interesting people. You’d be surprised how this little shift in attitude will make you so much more attractive.

Hot monkey sex can wait until the second meeting, surely! :stuck_out_tongue:

12

[QUOTE=WhyNotTake some of the pressure off yourself. Don’t make it all about getting a hook-up. Make it about meeting new and interesting people. You’d be surprised how this little shift in attitude will make you so much more attractive.[/QUOTE]

Well said and exactly what I was gonna post. If you’re just chatting to be friendly, that’s appropriate anywhere. (but as DiosaBellissima said, do pay attention to body language, if it’s obvious they don’t want to chat, abandon the idea)

13

That’s always tough though. There’s a reason most predators go after the lone animal that gets separated from the herd. On the other hand, a girl with her friends usually feels more confident and thus less defensive of a strange guy talking to her.
Another thing I have found is that like any good performer, you want to go out on top (not like that). If you have just met someone(s) and things are going well, that might be the time to suddenly need to be somewhere else. If you like them, make plans to meet up later or some other day. And make sure YOU have the means to contact them (IOW get there digits).

14

As previously stated, I think it comes down to what your “intentions” are. If your intention from the moment you walk up to a girl is to talk her into the sack with as great an efficiency of words as possible, well then, yeah she’s probably going to get that vibe. And she’ll either think you’re a creep (more likely in the bookstore scenario) or be open to considering the proposition (more likely in the wild frat party scenario). An occassional slap in the face is the gamble that the player takes.

If your intentions are to meet somebody new, chat a little bit over a common interest, and then leave open the possibility for getting to know this person further, just approach the girl with that mindset. Heck, you might even find a good conversation with an interesting person to be of worth in and of itself, and not merely a means to an end. And if you’re enjoying the conversation and would like to continue it later, tell her that. Maybe she’ll give you the cold shoulder (although hopefully you would have picked up on that by now). Oh, well. It’s not like you’ve lost anything.

And don’t worry about “accelerating and expanding your base of operations”. Whatever that means.

15

Huh …no wonder it didn’t work…

16

Ugh, you people confuse the hell out of me. :smiley:

When I say she will know my intentions, I mean exactly that. If I approach a girl she is going to figure its because I’m looking for a date, not just being friendly, because…well, it’s probably true for most of the guys who approach her.

Time and time again I’ve been warned away from getting pulled into the “friend zone” so why would I want to be on the lookout for making friends with a girl as opposed to looking for potential dates right off the bat? Aren’t I screwing myself over?

And that’s why I figure she’ll know my intentions. Guys chat to girls because (most of us) would eventually like to see if it leads anywhere. But we also can’t afford “eventually” because if we spend too much time in the friend zone we can’t escape. Or is the entire Friend Zone theory bullshit? How am I to know what to do and not to do when I’ve heard 1001 conflicting theories and approaches here?

“Well you want to do that. Never fails.”

“True, but if he acts too slow he’s screwed. So do that a little sooner.”

“But no too soon, or you’ll come off looking needy. Slow it down a bit.”

“But not too slow.”

“True, at a reasonable pace. Better yet, go about it like this.”

“Maybe, but this doesn’t work as often as that.”

“Be aggressive.”

“But not too agressive.”

“But you also don’t want to come across as being weak.”

It’s enough to make a guys head spin. :smack:

17

Just be yourself and stop worrying about what she, or your friends, or the guy with the latte might think or what you think they want to hear. If she’s into you, go from there.

From what I’ve seen, it’s only the guys that have some glaring weakness, like a crippling insecurity, that need to lie and/or worry about saying the right thing at the right time to the right person.

Honestly, you can’t expect to find anything that would last more than a few dates if you start out by being misleading or outright lying.

If all you’re looking for is a quick hook-up, stick with the clubs and the bars. If you’re looking for love and you find someone interesting or that just catches your eye, just be yourself. Don’t lead in with a line, most girls can sniff them from a hundred feet and have heard them all anyway.

But most of all, don’t be afraid of rejection. Sure it stings, but not everyone you’re attracted to will be immediately attracted to you.

Now, if I could only take my own advice and get past my shyness and actually ask that cute cashier out…

18

Reguardless of the place, time, or situation if I feel that this is a woman worth getting to know I simply start with a compliment for the fact that nobody can get mad at that and let them know that I wanted to let them know because it would be wrong not to. Then I introduce myself throw in a joke and ask them if they might want to kick it sometime. I’m not saying it always works or I’m trying to play them but if I notice they are doing something I enjoy or reading something I’ve read I think it would be nice to relate to someone who I don’t know. Besides who can’t use another friend to enjoy life with. Someone who may end up becoming alot more than a friend.

19

(Once again, this might just be me, but…)

I am as thick as they come. Seriously. I will go months with a guy hitting on me and never, ever realize he wanted to be more than friends (I’m serious, this has happened more than once). Friends can be flirty, so simple flirting is often dismissed by me because I figure we are just joking, playing around, whatever.

And yes: most of the guys who approach me are probably looking for a date, but I am not so full of myself that I automatically assume that. Don’t get me wrong, I’m quite confident (probably overly so ;)), but I think it would be rather stupid of me to assume everyone wants me .

If you want a date, make it clear. “Wow, you are really beautiful”- friends don’t generally say that. “I would love to get to know you better, can we go out sometime…as a date of course?” Just be clear, because what if the girl is as stupid as I am?

And I agree about the eye contact thing. Don’t stare at the roof, the carpet, the display I’m standing next to, or my tits. Confidence is sexy. Be confident and look in my eyes. But don’t be creepy about it (here comes the confusing thing, I know I know. Feel it out for yourself, my friend). I had a guy who was ringing me up at the store stop ringing, stare at me with this creepy smile for about a minute, ring something else up, stare and smile, lather, rinse, repeat. I ended up calling one of my female friends and saying, “Awww! Hi sweetie! Oh I love you too baby! Shhh, wait til I get home! I love you so much!” She was really, really confused (in fact, her reply was, “What the fuck is wrong with you?..ohhh, some creepy guy is hitting on you, huh?”:stuck_out_tongue: )

Feel it out, that’s all you can do. Hopefully I’ve been some help.

20

In my past relationships I’ve found that girls who I knew and were already friends with made the best lovers. I’m talking about both in the bedroom and in life. If you know someone intimately you are sure to feel more comfortable around them and with them. Rather than being unsure or uncomfortable you feel secure in the fact that they wouldn’t hurt you or play you. And so what if you end up just becoming friends now you have someone of the opposite sex which you can talk to about sex and relationship issues and will give you an honest opinion rather than make you feel unconfortable. Personally ever girl I knew before the relationship I have remained friends with up to this day going back to grade school, but every relationship inwhich I got to know that person while we were together didn’t mean as much to me and when it ended it ENDED and usually not in a good way. I think of it like this if I was friends with that girl before we were together are friendship will change but I don’t need to X them out of my life, whereas if I didn’t know them before we were in a relationship it’s alot more difficult to go back to being friends because we only know what being together was like and good friends take alot of memories and good times to become trusted and loved.