Okay, there’s a girl at my school who I have a huge crush on (and I acknowledge that this is pure infatuation, but everything has to start somewhere). The problem is that we’re not really in the same social circle; it’s not that one of us is one of the “cool kids” and the other is not but more that my friends don’t know hers, and hers don’t know mine, and I don’t have any classes or extracurricular activities with her. This is mainly because she is German and interacts more (though by no means exclusively) with the other German people at my school and because we’re not in the same grade. Because of this, unless I ran up to her in the three minutes between classes, there is literally no time in the day where I can just “go up and talk to her” (we don’t even have lunch at the same time).
I’ve asked a couple of other people for advice, but they haven’t been very helpful. As for what I’m trying to accomplish, I’m not really sure. It has been suggested that I just ask her out on a date, but I think that would be far too forward without, you know, speaking to her first. And in any case, I can’t do that without approaching her and talking, anyway.
So my options seem to be:
Track her down and talk to her between classes anyway. This, I think, would be incredibly awkward, both because there is not enough time to have a conversation, and because I know *I *wouldn’t want someone randomly coming up to me and trying to ask me out when I was trying to get to class.
Talking to her over Facebook. This, too, just seems like it would be weird without speaking to her in person first. I’m having a hard time imagining how it would go, “Hey, I’ve seen you around at school—yeah?” I just think it would be a bit loser-ish.
Talking to one of her friends. This just seems so after-school-special-ish, “Hey, you know Jenny (not real name). Do you think she would like me?” I don’t know what I would say or how that could possibly turn out for the good.
Something else that actually sounds like a good idea. Beats me what this might be.
I realize that I’m probably overthinking this way too much, but I don’t know what else to do. I think it’s just part of my nature—I plan out in my mind how conversations will go, and it always turns out better than I imagine it would, especially if I don’t try to follow a plan. (My ratio of materials read on social interaction to social interaction made is way too high. ;)) I also don’t want it to sound like I’m obsessing over this girl. If she turned me down, I would be disappointed, but I would not go crazy-stalker over her.
So what do you think? Do you think it’s acceptable, in this day and age, to just ask someone out on a date out-of-the-blue (which I think would be very creepy)? If not, what should I do to approach her in a non-creepy way?
Use your eyes. Across a crowded hallway, look at her till she looks back. Do this gently, not the “up-and-down/I like what I see,” but, “Ooh, you’re interesting.” She will look away. Keep looking at her till she looks back to confirm for herself that it wasn’t her imagination. Smile.
When you see her later, approach her with a handshake. “I’m Vox. Hey, you’re in the choir/on the debate team/friends with Lucy, aren’t you?” Small talk. “Well, I’ve got to go, but it was nice talking to you.”
Build from there till you’re not a complete stranger, but don’t let her feel too comfortable. Be a little mysterious without being dangerous. Then maybe invite her for coffee or something.
There’s no way you can position yourself to be in her proximity? From your post I’m guessing you’re in high school (?). Does she drive to school? Can you be in that parking lot before or after? Know of any school events she’d likely attend? Any local hangouts that she frequents with friends?
Sorry, it is a bit stalkerish but what’s a boy to do, right? And you know, it isn’t stalking if she’s into you. :eek:
I didn’t say I’ve not actually seen her, and we do have the morning assembly in the gym at the same time (but we sit in different groups on opposite sides of the gym), and before I started driving, we were occasionally in the carpool waiting area at the same time. Not that I worked up the courage to talk to her at the time… And like I said, it’s purely an crush/infatuation attraction, but I would like to *get *to know her.
ETA: No school dances that I know of coming up, and besides, they’ve always been completely unenjoyable experiences, mainly because I have no idea how to dance properly. She does not drive to school, either.
Well then there IS a time of day when you have opportunity. Wander in a bit late and position yourself near the door she’ll be exiting. You’ll have time to establish eye contact during the assembly, and you can try to chat her up as you leave.
That wouldn’t work. After the bell rings, everyone stampedes out the door in a rush to get to class. There just wouldn’t be any time for this “chat” to happen. And the gym is a bit too large to establish eye contact with someone on the other side.
So you’re on one side with your buddies and she’s on the other side with hers? Are these assigned seats or could you and your buddies decide to sit on the other side one morning?
Let’s go back to that carpool thing. When you do get a chance to see her (e.g. random occurrence, you both stayed after for tutoring or saw her at the store, something), using your eyes could help gauge her interest or willingness to be approached. Lemme guess: you didn’t make a lot of eye contact because you thought she’d see through you. It’s time to stop keeping your interest a secret, IMO.
Do you think if you looked at her at morning assembly, she’d be close enough to able to tell you were looking at her?
ETA sorry, was composing when you shot down the last part.
They are assigned seats, so the homeroom teachers can count the people and a take a lunch count. She also tends to go to that seat right when she gets there, or otherwise I would try to talk to her before. You would assume correctly about the eye contact thing (I’m kind of shy, if you couldn’t tell), but no, I don’t think it would be close enough to make eye contact with someone on the other side of the room. That’s just my opinion, of course, but I’m pretty sure if someone were looking at me, I wouldn’t notice.
I have an assignment for you. When you go to school, look the young women in the eye as you’re walking down the hall. Be relaxed about it, because you don’t want to appear to challenge or ogle. But don’t look away till they look away.
It’s natural to look at things we like. Some will look away immediately…others will hold your gaze longer than you think. And there will probably be low correlation to your expectations…the ones you’d figure to be out of your league will respond to your “confidence.” Others just won’t be interested.
Isn’t making eye contact a lot easier than trying to come up with clever conversation material? And, it’s a prelude to it. You don’t even have to be all that close to them.
Ok, so you need to change your attitude about all this first.
Every one of your responses to this thread is reasons why you can’t get to know her, and you are creating that trap for yourself. “I’m shy.” “There isn’t a time when we could ever possibly be within shouting distance of each other” “We don’t know any of the same people”
Bullshit. You are giving excuses not reasons. Every roadblock you have mentioned is either trivial or one that you have created yourself.
Sorry for being so blunt, but you have to learn how to date eventually. You might as well get good at it in High School.
Three things you need to understand.
You know who she is and (hopefully) her name. You know she is German and hangs out with the German kids. Clearly she isn’t some far off goddess that you can’t know. You are acting like she is a person you have only read about in magazines. She goes to your school! You may not get a lot of chances to see her and even fewer to talk to her, but clearly you do see her. If you didn’t you wouldn’t have a crush on her, because you wouldn’t know she existed. And you probably have chances to talk to her on a nearly weekly basis.
Your smart, and on here at least, fairly well spoken. You have no reason not to be confident in your ability to approach her.
If she rejects you, it really isn’t a big deal. And the sooner you learn how to deal with that the happier you will be as an adult.
Seek her out. Find a reason to say hi and introduce yourself. I think that the eye contact thing might be hard for you if you are as shy as you say you are (God knows I have never been good at it, and I have never met a another person as shy or socially awkward as I was). But suck it up and find a chance to say hi. She needs to know your name. Once she knows who you are, follow it up with some other kind of contact on another day (facebook is fine).
But the biggest thing is to get out of your head, you are making this harder than it has to be.
I’m not entirely sold on the fact that sending her a fast “hey, how ya doin?” through Facebook is all that loser-ish. Nothing too forward, something that says you remember her from the carpool thing, and maybe a little something about how “hell, I’m not really good at this” (implying the shy, slightly geeky yet secretly funny and caring), thus explaining why, on the times you did see her, you got tongue tied.
Tell her something about how all the times you see her, “something” just caught your eye, it’s more than how she looks, which by the way is awesome, but since you don’t ever seem to be able to find time to talk IRL, that what about making a few minutes to chat somewhere, anywhere she’s comfortable.
See where that goes.
And yes, I’ve been married since 9 years before you were born, and not on the dating scene, but as a single guy, all those eons back, I usually dated WAY over my head. We didn’t have e-mail, or Facebook, but that kind of message on an actual chiseled slab was good. Plus it has the advantage of being the complete truth, it’s a no BS, “here I am, what’s it going to hurt to have a latte” message.
Why don’t you, Biff, Paulie, and Herbert get together and make a plan to go to the local sock hop on Friday night and send one representative to the ladies’ group to say “we are going out on Friday and thought you, Mary, Delilah and Precious would like to come. We can even pick you up. Say 6:30?”
No pressure on you one on one and you get to do some socializing.
No, I’m not being snarky I just couldn’t think of an exact thing to do and the names and activity are interchangeable anyway.
Well, I probably will end up doing messaging her over Facebook, if nothing else. But at the same time, I agree with NAF1138 that she needs to know who I am, more than just over the internet, first. And I know they’re excuses, but I still can’t think of a good time to go up to her and say hi. And looking back, waiting in the carpool line would have been the perfect time to do it, but hindsight is 20/20.
ETA: ShelliBean, if only I knew of any good sock hops. I just tend to be the guy who people don’t mind hanging out with, but whom nobody invites.