So I just bought a hole in the ground. It’s not nasty, dirty, wet, nor is it filled with the ends of worms, etc.
What kind of stuff shall I put in it?
You’ll need to lay down wood floors and then carpeting, put up paneling on the walls, then hang portraits of all of your Hobbit ancestors or landscapes of the Shire, then stock your many larders and pantries with an astonishing quantity of food. Never know when a bunch of hungry Dwarves might drop by.
A round door, that’s an absolute must.
Fill a room with all the loot you get from the dragon’s hoard.
In addition to the food, you’ll need some good ale and wine, and pipeweed.
I suggest a drawbridge and some variety of “drown the world in magma” lever.
And since it’s in the ground, you’ll need a good electrical sump pump with a backup battery. Oh, and make your round door a nice shiny yellow, plz.
You probably shouldn’t put in a phone line. Sooner or later, someone would give you a ring.
groan
Shut up.
Comfy chair, a wind-up clock on the mantelpiece, a fireside companion (tongs/poker/shovel set), a letter-stand, a writing-desk, a tobacco-jar, a pot of spills (tapers for pipe-lighting), a pipe-rack, perhaps a dwarf-made musical box.
Yes to the sump pump, but make the door a nice British racing green, with a shiny brass knocker and knob, right in the middle.
And please, lay rugs down–not wall to wall carpet. It’d be nice to have fresh white-washed walls with exposed beams, too.
Also buy prints or paintings of various landscape of Middle Earth (or wherever your hobbit hole is).
I prefer shutters to curtains (depending on the curtains). You need a fireplace. And several old trunks and wardrobes.
Why do I get the recurring feeling that this Thread belongs in the Playboy Forum?
You should build a tower on top of it. something like this.
Why a sump pump? Surely you’ve built your hole in the side of a hill. I would guess a well-graded foundation and drainage pipes would be sufficient.
Don’t forget tunnels stuffed with gold and jools!
You’ve done that before, haven’t you?
Yup. You’re an hobbitual offender.
And, for the OP, the modern hobbit really needs a Kegorator and HDTV.
You.
Go to your room.
Leave that Kegorator right where it is, young man.
Where do you keep the glasses?
What do you mean, “Why?” No reason.
You should have a Palantir so you can chat with your far-off buds and rehash the good old days. (or if that’s too old school, mini-Palantirs with free minutes after 9 p.m. so you can be available to Letty Proudfoot 24/7, or get updates on when the mushrooms are ready for picking).
Palantir, you got the whole Shire behind you!
Perhaps the OP could share with us his adventuring class? Hobbits can’t be mages, wizards, necromancers, enchanters…well, any INT based caster class, really, but they can be WIS based casters, like Druids or Clerics, melee types like warriors and rogues, or possibly rangers…
Also, consider secondary skills/professions. The modern hobbit likely has lots of trophies/specimens/shiny stuff related to such interests.
Hobbits like their comfort. Lots of rugs, cushions, padded furniture, an improbably large bed.
And a wireless network. And the season packages for college and NFL games.
You’ll also need a doormat, to wipe your big hairy feetses on. The mat should say “Well-met” or “Mae govannen”.
"Oh, there ain’t no place like a hole in the ground
"Hole in the ground
"Hole in the ground
"Hole in the ground
"There ain’t no place like a hole in the ground
“With a big fat goon up floatin’ around!”
– Bugs Bunny, Our Risen Saviour