How should one ask a woman to socialize with you w/o it sounding like a date

There is a woman I have some classes with who lives in my apartment complex. I think we may hit it off if we could talk and socialize more (we only talk when we are in the laundromat at the same time). I also have some ‘buy one get one free’ deal coupons for a restaurant in town I want to use and I need someone to go with. So I want to ask this woman to join me. However its not a sexual thing. I know she has a boyfriend and I don’t think i’m sexually attracted to her anyway.

Should a person just be blunt and say that i’m not asking her out on a date, I just want to talk to her more since i don’t know her well enough? I fear if I don’t be upfront then she’ll think I am trying to date her (i know shes in a relationship, and she knows I know). I don’t want to come across as trying to seduce her out of her relationship. What shall I do to handle this meaningless ‘friends-esqe’ situation.

Invite the boyfriend as well?

Yeah i should do that, and i thought of that. Just ask her if she wants to bring him too.

I was with SO, and my SO told me that a friendly boy from one of my classes just wanted take me to dinner and socialize, what do you think most men would think? Unless there’s some driving mutual interest, what you’re doing is essentially asking her out on a platonic, I won’t d make a pass, and I’m not really attracted to you anyway, but you’re such a neat person, date.

What you’re talking about really sounds (quite frankly) more like something a girl would do than a guy.

Yeah, invite the boyfriend as well. That’s really the only non-creepy way of accomplishing this. Or have a group event already planned, and asking if she’d be interested in joining the “rest of the gang”.

I don’t agree with your SO. Besides, i have 3 people i’d like to ask before her but two aren’t in town and one doesn’t want to go, all 3 are male.

From the conversations i’ve had with her so far she has struck me as a really tolerant person I could get along with.

Shite. Maybe you’re right though and she’ll take it wrong.

how does this sound

hey (person) its (Me). I have a proposition for you. I have some ‘buy one lunch buffet get one free’ coupons for pizza queen, over on south walnut and i want to see what their pizza is like (i’ve never had pizza there). I want to try them out and since i have a buy one get one free coupon i’d rather bring someone else with me and the people i’d reguarly go with aren’t in town or don’t want to go. Besides this is a good chance to meet new people as we haven’t really gotten a chance to talk outside of the laundromat. I have two buy one get one free coupons so if you want to bring your boyfriend and another friend you can. They have the lunch buffet from 11-2 everyday of the week.

Wes, even if it isn’t a real date you should never lead with coupons. Never. That would be like telling her you will pick up the bus fare because you’ve got the hook up for free transfers.

It just won’t go over well.

Don’t begin weakly. Don’t be apologetic or nervous or self deprecating about wanting to spend time with her. It’s a date, it’s not a date - it doesn’t matter. You see her around. You know a bit about her. You want to know more and you want to find out over dinner.

Just tell her. “You’re so cool. Let me buy you dinner.” Doesn’t have to be exactly like that. Ask her to dinner. If she is open to the idea, but not comitted to it, she will probably ask why her.

Tell her. Without sounding like a stalkerish freak, tell her that from what little you know about her she seems like a beautiful person and you want to find out how beautiful.

Under no circumstances should you go into what a great deal you can get on buffets these days. Under even fewer circumstances should you invite her boyfriend, male friends or or possessive female friends. Then the dinner becomes a contest between you and said friends to look better. And, with your lack of self confidence, you will lose.

Ask her to dinner. Talk about anything but dating and excessive sweat.

Be confident.

Sorry for the quick second post, but dinner, even if it’s a buffett, will send the wrong message. Munch had a good idea when he suggested asking her to come along on a group thing. If a group isn’t available, start with coffee.

If you are talking about something interesting in the Laundromat, ask her if she wants to get a cup of coffee. Let her take her clothes home first.

Coffee is nice, uncommital and lets both parties pretend it didn’t mean anything if it doesn’t go well.

I apologize for a slight hijack, and for doubting your motives, Wes, but:

I’ve read a couple threads of yours commenting on your not having had a girlfriend. Part of me is wondering if you like this girl beyond friendship.

I’m not the type of person who would cheat on a woman or encourage a woman to cheat. In fact, there is a married woman who is really attracted to me who I won’t do anything with because she is married. Its not something i’d do.

This really, really is just an attempt to expand my social network a little bit. Nothing more. And like I said there were 3 other people i’d rather go with before her. They are all men and 2 aren’t in town and 1 doesn’t want to go.

leenmi - what is wrong with leading with coupons? that is the only reason i’m asking another person to go with me. I can go alone and it cost $6.38 or I can invite someone and it’ll cost $7.69 for the both of us. If it weren’t for the buy one get one free coupon I wouldn’t need to invite anyone.

That should say ‘3 other people i could go with before her’ not 3 other people i’d rather go with. 2 of them I have already gone out with several times and the third i would go with before this person but he lives 50 miles away. I figure this is an opportunity to turn a mild social aquantance into a mild friend. Pathetic? probably but i’m too drunk to care right now. Send yoru care packages to bloomington indiana.

I’m not leenmi, but I think it’s kind of a bad idea, too. It makes it sound like you just need someone to fill the chair when you should make it sound like you just want to have a good time with a friend. I think your best shot is to do it on the fly - more like a “Hey, are you hungry? I’ve been meaning to try the food at this one place and now’s as good a time as any. Wanna grab lunch?”

But w/o the coupons i have no reason to invite anyone else. Besides I don’t think it’ll be a major drag. If someone emailed me I would still accept, and I would understand this was their reason for inviting me.

Here’s your reason:

If we all had to wait for coupons as a reason to ask people to socialize with us, the world would be a pretty lonely place.

Granted. But i’m shy and more prone to socialize when I have a reason like this. I’m not the type to hit it off with strangers (I probably should be more often though).

I still think it is a bad idea. It ain’t the coupons that make you want to get to know her. You have to admit that to yourself. The coupons sparked the idea in your mind that you’ll be eating alone and, hey, there is really no reason not to eat with company.

But women snicker at guys that ask them out and use coupons. It’s not just a guy-asking-gal-out thing, either. Hetero- or homosexual relationships share this rule. You can not use coupons until the relationship is established. Firmly. She will laugh about it. Her friends will laugh about it. Her boyfriend will guffaw.

She will see the coupons as slightly pathetic. And women do not want to hang out with guys they think are pathetic. Even if it really is platonic.

I’m not making this up, Wes. Coupons are pathetic. Don’t sabotage your chances.

For the love of God and all the lonely: don’t use the coupons

Too late I already emailed her. And i dont think you can assume all women will react in X way just because stereotypically many will react in X way on most occasions. She may respect someone who can find a good deal for all anyone knows.

You make me look non-neurotic when it comes to women. Damn, I didn’t know that was possible.

Do you want to go to pizza king Leenmi?

Can’t. I finally got a project in Indy again and that means frito pie and a beer I can see through at the Hard Times Cafe.

Coupons are a mistake, man. I’ve heard the laughter. I’ve seen the embarrassment it leads to.

You don’t use coupons.
You don’t take the bus.
You don’t decide it’s Dutch (that’s her choice).

There are more rules to live by, but those are three good ones or starters.

Maybe, but… dude. It’s shooting yourself in the foot to ignore the fact that, most women – not all, maybe not this one in particular, but most – are going to be… uh, somewhat unimpressed by your thriftiness. If you ignore the “rules” just because you think they are silly, you will miss out. 'Struth.

It will never hurt to maintain the polite fiction that the only reason you want to spend time with someone is because she is interesting and fun to be around. You close no doors by saving the coupon for later. On the other hand, you may regret it if this otherwise cool person happens to be a little bit insulted when you tell her you wouldn’t bother inviting her to dinner, except that you got this really good deal on pizza, so how 'bout it?

Speaking as a woman, it probably wouldn’t bother me if someone used a coupon at dinner if they were discreet about it, or even a bit sheepish. Especially if they were a student/legitimately broke, it might even be flattering in that “aw, they really tried to find a way they could take me out” way. But making the coupon the basis of the invitation? Uh, no thanks.

(P.S. It would be an unbelievably bad idea to say to her, “I already invited three people and none of them would come.” Believe it.)

Here’s hoping for a favorable response from her, but take it into consideration next time, yeah? It’s not about how much money you spend, it’s about why you are inviting her at all. “I don’t want to waste this coupon” is never a good reason.