I’m not a control freak in terms of not letting her out on her own/accusing her of cheating on me that crazy freakazoid stuff, but on more mundane things.
She’s in college right now, and exhibits the same kind of laziness I did when I was in college. I (perhaps naively) don’t want it to be as much of an uphill battle for her as it was for me. I had a lot of ‘too little, too late’ moments in college- didn’t do any internships/extracurricular activities, waited until I graduated before looking for full-time work, etc. Since all of her friends are still in college, I’m the only vaguely near her age that graduated college.
I know that some people have to screw things up on their own to really learn how to do it right, but I also feel like there’s plenty of little things that some advice in advance can prevent. Problem is, she’s not interested in listening to me about it. Her parents pay for EVERYTHING (tuition, housing, car, etc) and I get this impression that part of the laziness is due to the fact that she’s never really had to earn anything for herself. Obviously this is a little resentment/jealousy seeping through (since I had to work 3 part-time jobs, had a car with my own money, lived with my mom while I was in college, and paid for myself as much as I could).
I guess you might think I’m really trashing on my girlfriend by making this post, but I guess the whole point is that I’m really beating a dead horse in some aspects of my relationship with her, but it just kills me to see her screw up in easily-preventable ways and whine to me after the fact. I wish it didn’t bother me as much and I could get past it, but since she lives on-campus and this is pretty much her current ‘job’ in this point in her life its kind of hard to totally ignore. There’s also that creeping fear that some aspects of her/bad habits will never change. She’s got a year and a half to go before she gets her degree, and I’m just hoping she doesn’t hit the same rut I fell into after I graduated.
You are not her father and you are not her husband, so you are not the person who’s money she may be wasting or life she might be screwing up.
Caring is nice. Sharing feelings is nice. Nagging (“beating a dead horse”) is both rude and unproductive. Tell her what you think once and then move on. Realize you are dating an adult, not a child.
I recently broke up with a guy who quit work to go back to school at 28 (lives with his parents). At first I was very supportive. Then I was naggy. Then after 3 semesters of him ignoring my “advice” and dicking around, I just stopped caring. Now that we’re broken up, and he’s down to 8 hours a semester and still no job, I just laugh. Him and his parents can deal with the consequences, and I’m sure glad it’s no longer my problem (which it wasn’t really my problem in the first place).
Even if you were, she’s in college, so she’s an adult. Nobody is responsible for keeping her from screwing up except her.
You might want to tell her, in a neutral and non-accusatory manner (ie, the words “you should” do not belong in this conversation), that you had problems finding jobs after you graduated because you didn’t do internships. She might not have heard that from her friends (they wouldn’t know), her parents (things have changed since they were in college), or her professors or advisers (I know I didn’t). But you should mention it once, and after that drop it. Forever, or until she brings it up again. Bringing it up again or “looking for internship opportunities for her” (unless she has explicitly asked for help with this) is nagging.
Guess what- some of them won’t. All people have bad habits and bad aspects to their personalities. That includes you and me.
If you can’t live with her bad habits and the negative aspects of her personality, you have two choices- either learn to put up with them or break up with her. You don’t get to try to improve her, and it probably wouldn’t work if you tried- she won’t change unless she wants to change.
Agree with this. Also, tell her that she’s free to ignore your advice, but if she does, you’re not going to listen to her complaining after the fact. Then don’t.
My ex used to complain to me about how his job sucked. All the time. So being the supportive girlfriend that I thought I was, I helped him fix up his resume, look at job announcements…you know, help him find something better. But he would never apply for anything and he never sent his resume out, even for those jobs that he agreed looked great, and so my efforts were always in vain.
I just couldn’t relate to his feet dragging, and I felt frustrated, caught between wanting to nag him to do better and wanting to be completely indifferent about it for my own stress level’s sake. And I would have been able to pull off the latter if only I didn’t have to hear him gripe about his job situation so much. So I eventually ended telling him things that he didn’t want to hear, and he accused me of “nagging” him.
Unsurprisingly, we’re not together anymore.
First, I recommend telling your GF to stop complaining to you about her screwed situations if she’s not willing to do what it takes to prevent them. That let’s her know that you’re not really sympathetic to her plights and that this side of her annoys you. Second, if she can’t figure out that she’s the only one responsible for keeping her shit together, then you need to decide whether that’s a flaw you’re willing to accept. I couldn’t accept it in my ex, even though at first I thought I could. Always holding back the urge to nag is not healthy. It points to incompatibility and non-acceptance.
You cannot grow-up for someone else, and not everyone faces the same challenges in life.
Your girlfriend is clearly in a different place then you were when you were in college. She doesn’t need to work three jobs to pay her tuition, she isn’t you and you aren’t her.
Odds are, she will grow-up when she graduates and hits the real world (most people do) and odds are she’ll make a mistake or two along the way (again, most people do). It’s all part of learning to be an independent person.
You can share your experiences with her (how you feel skipping an intership in college hurt your prospects at X job etc.), but don’t assume that your expereinces will be her experiences. And never never never assume that you know better how to live her life then she does.
You as a working, independent adult are at a different point in life then your parentally supported student girlfriend is. Either you live with the differences this brings, or you move on to someone who’s stage in life is more similar to your own.
If my husband nagged at me like that, I’d probably just be lazier instead of listening to his advice. I second those who say say it once, then drop it. Beating a dead horse is not just unproductive - it may have the exact opposite effect you’re looking for.
What was the spoof music ad on TV? “Help mama, she’s laaaaazy…lazier than you?”
OP doesn’t say whether they’re serious/engaged etc. but by virtue of the fact that these concerns are more long-term considerations, I guess so.
IMO too many people get into this mindset of “This is THE person for me.” Along comes evidence to contradict that but they don’t alter course. It is her life and if she doesn’t choose to change, why not find a different gf who won’t make you crazy?
That’s pretty much what I did; my ex-BF from college was graduating when we started dating. I was at the end of my freshman year. He kept throwing pissy little fits because I wasn’t “acting my age.” I finally figured out that he was upset that I wasn’t acting HIS age.
We had other issues that ultimately doomed the relationship, but his constant carping about it just brought out my contrarian side.
If you do nag, your SO is almost certainly not happy with that state of affairs- nobody likes being nagged. Nagging is unlikely to change the behavior. Neither of you is happy- if there are no children involved, you’re staying together in a relationship that is making you both miserable why, exactly?
Learn to live with it or get out. Bear in mind that you will never find anyone totally free of habits, attitudes, and character traits that annoy you, and you will end up alone if you hold out for this. Don’t stay on, nag, and hope it will get better. It won’t. Your SO is what he/she is. Reforming an SO is like seeing a large-scale violation of the second law of thermodynamics (such as suffocating when all the air in the room where you are spontaneously rushes into the corners)- possible, but very, very, very unlikely. Maybe a little more likely than that, but reforming an SO who doesn’t want to be reformed is still very much a fool’s bet.
My ex-boyfriend was eight years older than me; he felt he had wasted a lot of time and that I shouldn’t. I felt like since he’d already “had his fun” he was in no position to lecture me about how I shouldn’t have any. He wanted me to “grow up” and fast-forward to his outlook on things.
It’s not that what he wanted me to do wasn’t good, or wouldn’t have been worthwhile…it’s just that I–and I suspect the OP’s girlfriend–didn’t like being told what to do by someone “older and wiser” who wasn’t my father.
Everybody grows up at their own pace, and the “grown ups” should remember how they got there.
::sigh:: Today is our 20th wedding anniversary. No point in going into all the details of how sad I am.
If you really want to fight that battle, Incubus, have at. There might be a million things you need to learn in the process. It might be exactly what you want out of your journey through life.
But Gus Gusterson is correct. IMHO, the battle won’t stop until you give up.
My husband is eight years older than I am - Audrey, boy do you speak the truth!!
Incubus, she is who she is and isn’t going to change. Accept her or move on. Constantly badgering someone for (frankly) who they are (which is kinda what you’re doing) isn’t fair to them. I know I get tired of being told how I’m screwing up this or that - it wears on a person and isn’t fair. To either of you.