You know, if this is who you want to be, then I wholeheartedly spport you. Personally (and I know that I’m the outlier in a lot of things), I’d rather be comfortable with who I am and wait until I run into someone who is comfortable with it as well. Maybe we’re reading too much into your situation. YMMV, definitely.
Regarding your friends, hey - they’re your friends. I say keep them. My ex and I still share most of our old friends. It helped that both of us stayed respectful of each others’ friendships and didn’t try to recruit people to our side.
Believe me. This is NOT the case. I’m not looking for any type of even mildly serious relationship–certainly no one who would “fix” me up. (That’s the stuff I have to do myself–or hire out–and one reason why I came here for advice.) I like solitude, and I like the fact that I can now control my living arrangements to my own tastes–90% of the “stuff” that was in my house is now gone, and I much prefer it that way.
And you’re right about how to make friends, I know, but I guess I worded it poorly. It’s not that I need a new circle of friends, it’s that I don’t know many single women and have very little practice flirting etc.
I’m not jumping into any relationships, but I do recognize that one of the few solaces in a divorce (esp for men I’d think) is the chance to date, so one day I’ll be out “in the market” and want to have some skills by then. Until then, I’m just practicing and occupying my mind. (ETA and I would not represent otherwise to anyone–no games, no drama)
Further since I’ll be relying on nearby big city for social stimulus, it seems more time-effective to just actually arrange meetings/activities with single women than join some kind of club–which I generally hate to do anyway–as an indirect means to an end.
Finally, it may turn out that I never talk to another single woman ever again;).
Don’t worry about replacing your entire wardrobe. Get one outfit for going out. One extra-awesome shirt, one great-looking pair of pants, and some killer shoes. You can fill in the rest of your wardrobe later. And for godsakes, make sure your belt matches your shoes!
Do something radical with your hair. If it’s always been long, cut it short. If it’s always been short, cut it long. Grow a beard if you’ve never had one. Shave it off if you’ve always had one.
Keep your fingernails neat and trimmed at all times.
A woman will evaluate your entire personality, sexual prowess, and marriage prospects in less that one second, and she’ll do it like this: Shoes, nails, hair.
Flip, sometimes it’s in our best interests to just let things happen, know what I mean? I think it’s great you met some people on CL to treat to an evening out but even better that you’re going into the city to hang out with a friend… Maybe you should consider making your weekends about getting to the city and getting involved in finding out what activities you like to do… See some movies, go to a museum or a play, walk around and window shop, maybe pick up some new “single guy” clothes.
You’re only 42, an attorney and I’m assuming not a physical troll. Get your friend in the city to introduce you to some of his friends and eventually meet their friends. Having a lot of friends is a great way to meet more people and, when it’s time, maybe an interesting romantic prospect. What I’m hearing is FEAR. Fear that you’ll be alone, fear that you’ll be lonely, fear that you’ll be horny, a lot of fear. Don’t let fear drive you… It knows no good directions other than out of the street when a car is coming toward you. Learn how to be alone as alone and lonely are not synonymous. I can be perfectly happy all by myself and I can feel very lonely in a crowd of people. I had to develop a relationship with myself before I began to have healthy relationships with other people.
When you do meet a nice woman and she asks you what you like to do, you should have an answer! Right now you probably have a pretty good idea about what the ex liked to do and what you did together but what does Flip like to do? Do you bowl? Fish? Play any sports?
Are you feeling me? Make this time about Flip and let the rest unfold!
Oh, oh, oh,… I concur with the fingernails and the matching belt and shoes and I caution you to keep the dress very cashewall unless you live in NYC or that’s the city you’re heading into but mostly, and this is VERY important… DO NOT spend more than two sentences on your marriage, impending divorce or (ex) wife! We do NOT want to hear about that!!!
As to the clothes, look around at the people in the area, those guys that are “out and about” or clearly with dates (as opposed to wives or their mothers), see how they are dressing (and I also don’t mean the 18-20 year old set)… Guys in their mid 30’s should be a good barometer to keeping you hip, slick and cool.
Yes! (But you probably already knew that.) If your date is sympathetic and tries to get you to open up (or prods you for more details), don’t give in. Just let her know it’s something you’re sorting out and that you want to concentrate on her, not you, and move on.
Not that you couldn’t use an evening of crying into your wine and whining on somebody’s shoulder – which can be tough if you haven’t maintained a sympathetic circle of friends (including platonic female friends). But if a date goes that way, you’ll probably be writing off any kind of romantic future.
Yep, we all know not to do it but, dammitt, our mouths open and it’s like verbal vomit! Don’t even go with sentence one, other than (if queried about your marital status) “I’m separated, pending a divorce… Those are really gorgeous earrings! Do you have other jewelry made from pig’s hooves?”
Jeez-o-pete…it’s only been a week, you probably haven’t even had the first appointment with a lawyer, and already you are on Craigslist and making plans to meet people? Slow down, bucko! Learn how to run the washing machine! There’s lot’s of time…nothing is going to make your wife less apt to have a “friendly” divorce experience than racing out the door whooping and hollering and setting up dates, no matter how platonic!
Settle down, learn how to feed yourself and how to run the vacuum, and realize that there is really no worse date than a man who has been separated (are you even that yet?) less than ten days!
Be extremely clear to all ten of them that this is what you intend to do. Do not lie. Do not hide the fact that you are enjoying yourself playing the field. Tell them before you ask them out the first time.
And good luck finding ten women over 40 who are still single.
The best advice I can give is get used to being single first. It’s not bad. You are presumably so used to do everything as part of a couple (I know I was) it is nice to take some time to just enjoy the fact that you can make the decisions independently. Like if you go to the movies, you get 100% control over what the movie is. Don’t want to separate whites and coloreds in your wash? Then don’t do it.
I started looking much too early, because I was terrified of being alone. So I struck out a lot. Now, I actually like living alone on the whole, and am much more ready to move on.
Learn these skills before your next serious relationship.
I’m 39 and am also fiercely independently single. I do not date men who are looking for a surrogate wife to pick out their clothes, cook their meals, help shop for groceries, or do their laundry. Nobody has ever done that stuff for me since I turned 18 and moved out of my parents’ house; I am not going to coddle you. If something goes horribly wrong and I break down and date somebody, I expect any grown man to be able to handle the most basic household chores all by himself (which is probably why I’m still single. ;))
Absolutely. Do not lie about it. On the other hand, you don’t need to explicitly tell them. Letting them guess adds a little mystery to the situation. But if they ask, be honest.
You’re a lawyer, so you already know this…but, as I always tell my clients, remember that you are still a married man until the divorce becomes final, and conduct yourself accordingly. Things appear to be heading towards an amicable settlement, but that train can, and sometimes does, jump the tracks when one or the other of you starts dating. The nastiest fights I’ve ever seen are over children, of course…but property disputes are second on the list, and that can get expensive.
As a divorced man myself (38). Women seem to really dig it when you do NOT talk shit about your ex wife.
Not that YOU should be talking about you ex-wife anyway (At least not in a dating situation) but when asked; be nice. Not too nice, like you’re still in love with her, but nice.
Also, a trip to the boobie bar for a freshly divorced man never hurt no one!
Regarding the “typical helpless husband” thing. I can assure you that this will not be attractive. You have a golden opportunity to really think through exactly what you have to offer to women and then take the time to become that guy while you sort out the divorce thing.
And I totally disagree with tdn, that you don’t need to explain that you’re playing the field. If Date A sees you out with Date B, chances are you won’t have any dates at all. Not mentioning that there isn’t an expectation of exclusivity implies deception. Nobody likes being lied to and that includes sins of omission. That and wrap up that little rascal. Nobody likes being unwittingly exposed to STIs, either.
I think it depends on how serious you are with any of the women. On a first date? None of her business, as long as you’re on a first-or-second-date basis with the rest of them. Once you get to the level of fluid exchange with any of them, then the rule has to change a bit. You absolutely do not want to put anyone’s health at risk.
But if you’re meeting someone for coffee for the first time, just to see if you can have a nice conversation, there’s no need to tell her how many other women (if any) you’ve also had first coffee with that week. Let her go ahead and assume that yes, of course you are dating. Assume the same about her.
As a single women (42, divorced for 22 years, yes, please do the math), learn to be comfortable in your own skin as a single person. Learn to be comfortable being by yourself and listening to your own voice. Learn what you like, and what you don’t like, not what just falls into habit because it was part of a couple. I would say that most of the women I know are not looking for someone to “complete” them (or vice versa)–they’re already whole and if they find someone who will add something to their lives, that will work. However, having to do someone else’s laundry is only taking on someone else (and falling too close to that Mommy Role).
That being said, I would agree that the best way to meet people is to find something you love to do first. You love to hike? Join a group and odds are you’ll meet someone there who loves to hike (or is at least looking for someone who likes to hike). Else, when the conversation rolls around to “What do you like to do?” you’ll be scrambling for something aside from “meeting new people”.
