My current wonderful girlfriend (5 months and counting) being also my only girlfriend ever, I’m hardly qualified to give dating advice. But I think turning 28 before meeting her qualifies me to tell you how you can remain free of the hassles of dating!
Disclaimer: Do not take anything in this post seriously!
So here it is, the (incomplete) list of what to do if you don’t want a date:
Complain about being single. To everyone, as often as you can.
Obsess. Dating is all that’s important, right? Can’t be anything else, never!
Ask someone you just met and hardly know for a romantic date, the very night you meet him/her. Especially if you normally take your time to know a friend.
Compare yourself. All your friends get tons of dates, so they must be better than you, right?
Evaluate your entire self-worth based soley on the quantity of dates you have had.
Believe that body image is absolutely everything. No one cares about your personality, silly!
Never change your hairstyle, your clothes, or do anything else for yourself that might bolster your confidence. You can’t fool anyone, anyway.
Hide in your room, plant yourself in front of the computer or TV for half the day. The outside world is overrated, anyway.
Unreasonably high standards! Oh, yeah, she’s gotta be a Britney clone or he’s gotta look like George Clooney – nothing less is good for you.
Hit on every single person you meet, without thinking it through. You can’t have what you want, so take whatever you can get!
Tell everyone that you are looking for a date. Repeatedly. Be sure to let them know how desperate you are.
Get angry when someone turns you down. Let them know just how miserable you are!
Imitate other people, do and say things outside of your normal, comfortable personality. Your personality’s no good, so why not try somebody else’s?
Try too hard. Try really, really hard to impress somebody. Can’t impress them just by being you, of course.
Anyone else got more terrible suggestions?
Why, yes, this list is from personal experience. I’ve “been there, done that” for almost everything here. :smack:
While you’re complaining about not having any dates (great tip!) constantly run yourself down to everyone you meet. Drawing attention to all of your percieved faults is a great strategy, beause it makes everyone around you feel like they have to give you compliments. Remember, the best, most flattering, most sincere, most supportive compliments are those you extract by being pathetic and emotionally manipulative.
And, don’t worry, it doesn’t make you look self-obsessed or attention-needy at all.
I really like the one about computers - worked for me for 3 years!
Mine are:
If you’re a guy looking for girls
play lots and lots of male-dominated team sports and go out lots with the team afterwards to sports-themed bars and pubs. After all, girls must like you for what you are right?
Never ever go anywhere where a girl might also like to go. F’r instance, if your ideal type of woman is a petite ‘girly girls,’ make sure your favourite hobby is grueling 20-miles-a-day hiking trips in the mountains miles from the nearest flush toliet or shower
Aspire to be the ‘man of mystery’ and don’t actually talk to women; assume they want to know you just 'cause you’re so mysterious, dark, and broody.
If you’re a guy looking for a guy,
Be a homophobe. The guys you want are always the ones who want to ‘out’ you.
Talk about hot girls all the time; have a girlfriend
Talk about God lots, too. Gay guys like that.
If you’re a girl looking for a guy:
Talk lots about how all the nice guys are taken, but when a nice guy asks you out just say you ‘want to be friends’
Complain to all your male friends how badly your last boyfriend used you and you have all sorts of trust issues. Guys don’t like to be trusted in relationships, after all.
Talk with all your friends about how no man can make you orgasm like your multiple and very expensive sex toys can
If you’re a girl looking for a girl:
Go to hetero bars and try to hit on straight girls with their boyfriends in attendance. Say things to the guy like ‘I think your girlfriend really likes me; are you sure you’re pleasing her the right way?’
Say things like ‘womyn’ and ‘penis oppressor’ when referring to the opposite sex. Girls really like extremists.
Never actually date girls. Playing hard to get is very attractive.
Put your career first. Make sure you overextend yourself at work so that you are committed to at least 30 hours of work/day. This makes sure: 1. You have no social life and no chance of dating. 2. You are totally exhausted and frazzled all the time. 3. You fail at everything at work since you took on too much, which means you need to take on more work to make up for it!
If you’re a woman, call the man you’re interested in, every day. Always drop your plans at the last minute to be with him and send him flowers, preferably at work. On the 2nd date start talking about marriage and ask him his favorite baby names. Make sure to give him an embarassing pet nickname and use it in front of his friends.
Only half the day? So, I can slack off a bit then, right?
Also:
Talk endlessly about obscure films, music or books that no one has ever heard of, and when they ask what you are referring to, say, “You’re kidding, right?”
Demand that every person you date be Jewish. Do this even though your only involvement in Judaism is attending a seder, lighting a few Chanakah candles and going to temple on Yom Kippur.
Be a hater… all women are insane, bitch, whores who just want you for you money and will cheat on you with your best friend as soon as you turn your back. Plus they talk all the time and are into really bad music and movies. Oh yeah, they are also weak and stupid.
…and if you ever find yourself in the oh-so-uncomfortable position of actually having a request for a date accepted, be sure to ask her (or him) where they work, and oh by the way, are they hiring (cause rent is coming due) and hey, i mean even entry-level? it’s not like you’re all that qualified for a skilled or management position anyway…
