obligatory mention of Matt’s Mormon missionary fetish here
Wear your Star Trek uniform 24/7.
If you’re over 35 it’s always a good idea to go cruising the local High Schools in you’re newly restored 1976 Trans Am. Whilst listening to “The best of Peter Frampton” as loudly as possible on your 8 track cassette player.
Gravy stains on you’re T-shirt make a nice anti-aphrodisiac.
Also, agree with EVERTHING she says. No opposition; ever!
Nice clean-scrubbed missionary boys you can corrupt? 
Ohhhhhhhh my yes.
I may have mentioned this, but this summer I was out doing campaign work, and on the metro I saw the most gorgeous Mormon boy, tousled blonde hair, windswept, cornfed… ohh my… and his name tag said, and I am not making this up, ELDER SHIRTLIFF.
Never ever admit to any mistakes. Blame everything that goes wrong on someone else. Be sure to use the expression “You made me” a lot.
Riiiiiight…because women NEVER go for obnoxious assholes.
It helps if you are decisive. Let 'em know that you think ahead.
So as soon as possible inform the person you are interested in that you already have decided that within 8 years you’ll have 2 kids, a boy named Montana Dill and a girl named Logan Bethany, live in a saltbox house decorated in “comtemporary country” style, and have a dog. You are going to work once little Montana arrives, but not outside the home, so your special someone must pull down enough income to keep you in the manner you deem appropriate.
To show that you aren’t too controlling, you’ll let your spouse decide if it will be a Golden or Labrador Retriever.
That’s quite a name, you’re right about that…
My most fun girlfriend was a fundamentalist Christian. Boy was it fun to corrupt her
Humour and modesty are good, so make lots of jokes about how hopeless you are.
Overcompensate and be sarcastic about them.
Rush to agree with everything they say.
It’s pushy to talk to people, so don’t spend extra time with the people you like.
It’s creepy to like someone for their body, so never tell someone they look pretty,
If you aim for the impossible at least rejection won’t be a surprise.
You can’t buy love, so insist they pay half the bill.
Be depressed, pity gets people noticing you.
If choice A doesn’t like you, maybe their friend will.
If they’re nice they couldn’t possibly like you.
Show the depths of your feeling by stalking someone, it works in films.
Ick! They asked me out, that’s creepy, why can’t they like me for my mind?
One relationship is good, so two must be better.
Whine about all the sexual experiences you haven’t had, but want to. Repeatedly. In detail.
Make sure to immediately work on changing the person who is kind enough to date (or even just talk) to you.
“I really like girls with long hair.”
“I don’t think you should wear that skirt, its too short” (or too long).
“Have you ever considered riding a motorcycle, guys who ride motorcycles are hot.”
“You listen to Abba!? Let me buy you some real music.”
How about my favorite…have such incredibly crappy self-esteem you don’t even try because you assume it won’t happen. And if it does happen, don’t make any effort because they’d probably be better off without you You’d be doing them a favor if you don’t return their phone calls, right?
Copy everything drewbert does.
Be extremely choosy. The girl you’re trying to find will, say, be under 25, look like a supermodel, be a connoisseur of fine wines, appreciate opera, feel that a discussion of military history from ancient Rome to Vietnam is a fine way to spend those special moments, and know all the stats of the players on a certain baseball team. If she doesn’t have these qualities (or whatever specific qualities that the wannabe-single deems important), she is unacceptable.
I had a friend who had this policy. It worked really well at keeping him single. He didn’t want to be single though, and he couldn’t figure out why he was. :rolleyes:
See? You’re well on your way. It’s so easy!
Now all you have to do is:
- Work somewhere where no other single people work, and where no single people visit
- When you go home, stay there
Simple as that!
Where do you work? An engagement ring store? A drive-thru wedding chapel?
Tried that. Got married anyway.
Science museum, mostly catering to school groups and families. I suppose there is the chance I might meet a cute single teacher, though I haven’t yet.
Mmmmmm…cute single teacher…
Somebody mentioned humor. Yes, tell a lot of misogynistic jokes. The chicks dig it. While you’re at, make a big deal about how much you hate cats, and go so far as to tell stories about the cat torturing you’ve done.