snork Keep up the humour like that and I’d date you. Except you probably wouldn’t want me to.[1]
[1] Because you’re probably male (being called Lord), and probably straight (since most people are) and probably in America (ditto). Not because I have low self esteem. Though I may do. End disclaimer.
Give lots and lots and lots of attention. But -and here’s the catch- it has to be the psychotherapy kind of attention.
He wants to sleep together? Put him on the sofa first.
He wants to get to know you better? Well, tell him everything you learnt about yourself in therapy.
There is no intimate moment, kiddos, that can’t be made even more intimate by playing junior psych.
Oh, and welcome Long Time First Time! Enjoyed your post.
Yes. Great idea. And of course, there is no need to put any thought into how you look, because she will “love you as you are.”
Keep whining about your ailments and health issues constantly. Make the first sentence you say when meeting her, “Oh, my bad back.” Constantly talk about your evil former employers and how you are going to make them pay.
I am a straight male living in America. But, you’re the first person who said they’d date me in a long time. I’ll take what I can get.
Another idea for the straight guys. Use the following words whenever you can: bitch, whore, slut, and cunt. Bonus points if you direct them at the lady you’re trying to attract.
Though that sometimes backfires.
after blatantly stealing matt_MCL’s line…
Mmmm… insert GomiBoy’s “bad girl with tatoos who needs a spankin’ for bad language” fantasy here
Have more than a few passions or interests that basically no one else shares.
Be so desperately undersexed that it clings to you like a smell even when you’re acting the perfect gentleman.
Don’t be overly motivated or impressed by money, status, or success.
Cultivate a sardonic gallows humor about the rat race that is life.
Sunspace’s tips on not getting a date:
Don’t learn social skills. After all, it’s not like perceiving and adjusting to the other person is actually important or anything. Everyone automatically understands your jargon and mannerisms already.
Keep your desires firmly at the centre of your intention. Again, perceiving the other person’s wants or actions is of secondary importance, if that.
Be overworked, then come home and sleep. Sleep on the bus to and from work as well. All the people on the bus are married anyways, so why strike up conversations? (Note: if you are driving yourself to and from work, this tactic may need to be modified a bit.)
Don’t work out. Why should you put all that effort into becomeing stronger and more flexible when it doesn’t matter because you’re an unimportant worm anyways? And besides, who needs all that energy and those endorphins?
When you get up in the morning, be sure not to eat, or grab something heavy and fat-laden. Low energy will help you avoid perceiving the social world around you. Fruit is right out.
Spend your time trying to figure out what would be the best response in whatever situation you are in. There’s no chance that relaxing, letting go of your mind, and just being yourself would help, so the next best thing is planning.
Dress: wear whatever’s next on the pile. Feeling good about yourself because of the way you dress is an anti-democratic elitist delusion.
Be a drama king/queen.
Make sure that you give every action, event, interaction and detail of your life the same attention that everything else receives. If something - anything- is not 100% perfect, complain about it loudly. Remember that every emotional bump on the road is the worst thing that’s ever happened to anyone. Hold tightly to your friends, until one of them disagrees with you. Then escalate the disagreement into a bitter argument and force all your other friends to take sides. And never, ever let anyone forget.
…and if the girl rebuffs your loutish pass; she is, of course, a dyke!!!
As are all women who give you the finger when you shout “nice tits” at them as you drive by in your Hummer.