Last week, my wife of 18 years told me she was done with it and is moving out. Her reasons were good enough, and it should proceed in an orderly and friendly manner.
Like Bart Simpson, I’m going through all of the stages of grief in quick sequences. (I hope you get the reference).
A couple of days of shock and awe later, I realize that I’ve never had a plan for being single at age 42.
Last time I was single I was 24 in the big college crowd where people pair off naturally.
I already put out an ad for a 24 yr old Latina live-in housekeeper (a joke).
But I also have to learn how to live by myself, what sort of value I have in the dating market, generally how to exist as a suddenly single 42 yr old.
#1 have confidence. If you don’t have confidence and a strong sense of self-worth, FAKE IT. Women can smell lack of self esteem and to them it smells like poison.
The first thing I would recommend is learn how to be single before worrying about dating. honestly, at 42, you might find that it’s nice to be alone once in a while. A good friend of mine (same age as you) has found himself recently single and while he still very much loves his ex-wife (and they are good friends who still go out to eat together, etc) loves being able to have the bathroom to himself, the bed to himself and nap whenever he wants on the weekends. There is joy in solitude, if you accept it.
It’s just a matter of being comfortable with who and where you are. I am sorry about the divorce, but it seems you are complacent with it, so I will leave it at that. Just learn to enjoy yourself. Remember, single means never having to stop playing WoW just to take out the trash
41, female. I’m headed that way myself and haven’t even really gotten around to that reality yet. Just still enjoying the solitude and cleanliness and no snoring. I’ll be checking the replies from others, though.
Our situations are different - I’m 30, I’m looking for somebody between about 25 and 33*, and I left my ex-wife, not the other way around - but some of what I’ve learned may be valuable.
There are an absolute TON of single women out there in their mid-30’s to early-40’s. Provided you’re funny, stable, and reasonably comfortable, you won’t have a problem finding prospects.
But after this kind of heartwrending, traumatic experience, you really, really need to be careful about getting your own head on straight before you start anything serious with anybody. The lonliness that you feel in the intial few months to years after the split is going to be incredibly painful. I was with my ex for nine years, and it’s amazing how used much I got used to being with somebody, even though I didn’t really love her toward the end.
So the first thing you learn is how to be happy on your own. Having a few casual dates (or even one night stands) is fine, but be very, very careful about falling for anybody when you’re still vulnerable.
Not that women older than that aren’t lovely, but from my own biased sampling, many if not most single women aged about 34 or older are starting to think about having kids pronto. I do want to have kids, but I’m on the Five Year Plan, not the Two Year Plan.
43 & the father of 2. Very happily separated. I (actually we) left her. You think you got it bad? I work mid-shift (strike one). Got 2 kids (strike 2). And multiple medical problems (strike 3). For now though, I’m still enjoying my singleness. While having a GF would be cool, I’m not stressed about it.
I’ll be following this thread though for any pointers. I’ll need all the help I can get.
I strongly encourage you to spend some time – like a year – getting used to being by yourself. You need to figure out who you are as an individual before you can begin to think about who you want to be as part of a couple.
#2 If you have any thoughts that you’re too old to date, evict them immediately. They are lies, damned lies, and false statistics.
#3 Avoid cases of one-itis. Don’t fall for the first acceptable woman to come along. Date as many women as you can simultaneously. Always try to maintain a list of at least 10 women that you can call, and don’t attach importance to any one of them. Guaranteed, something awesome will emerge out of that.
I’ll agree 100% with those who have already said to take some time to readjust before dating. Don’t even think about dating right now. You have too much emotion to work through, even if you think you don’t. Six months from now, maybe. A year from now would be better. Being single again can be a great experience, and I wish you much luck.
I got divorced at 42. If you make a good living and haven’t let yourself go physically, the world is your oyster, my friend. Let things settle down a bit and then become familiar with Craigslist. Fun times.
Divorces make people crazy. Don’t try to force yourself into another relationship just yet. Let the process (and I mean your mental/emotional process) work itself out.
Some people aren’t comfortable unless they are in a relationship. These are the people who find new mates even before the old one is legally gone (or even physically gone), then there are people who can be comfortable by themselves. Don’t be the desperate one. Take the time to learn about yourself and teach yourself some self-sufficiency.
I wondered the same thing when, a couple of months ago, I was briefly single at 51. Truth be told… IT WAS GREAT! I LOVED having the time to myself and eating what I wanted to eat when I wanted to eat it and having my house the way I like it and watching what I wanted to watch and not having to compromise and so on and so forth.
I agree with the advice that you take some time just enjoying being single! Dating will come. I’m sure you’re marketable. I fell into this marriage at 46 with two young children and he was only 41!
You didn’t mention kids, so I assume there are none. I was single at 38 with two pre-teens. There wasn’t enough time to think about dating, much less anything else…nor was there enough money! Enjoy the alone time…it’s vital to re-discovering who and what you are. The year thing sounds like a long time, but really, it flies by, and you will be better off for it.
43 years old here, and it’s been a few years since we separated (a few horribly contentious years, but I digress.) At this point I’m single, not dating, and way too freaking happy with just being myself to even consider sharing my life with a partner! Seriously, I woke up early one morning a few months ago and realized that I had self esteem. I hadn’t felt that way for years, and may have never felt that way. It’s a lot different from the defiant “I didn’t need her anyway” that I felt when we first broke up.
Quite frankly I’m a little too busy relearning who I am and raising my kids to make the compromises that need to be made when dating. Will I date again? Sure, probably. Am I rushing it? Absolutely not!
She wasn’t 40 at the time, but one of my uncles and his then-gf broke it up for a year, then got back together, been married for more than 40 years now.
You ask her what was the best time of her life, as in a period, not a day, and she says that year. She felt like going out? She went out. She felt like staying in? She stayed in. She didn’t fancy the movie her friends were going to? She didn’t go. She wanted to speak with “him”? She did speak with him. She didn’t? She didn’t People knew she was “going through a breakup” so they didn’t nag her about going out, didn’t try to introduce her to their cousins, didn’t try to give her makeovers…
While I don’t think you and your wife will get back together after the one year line is shattered and people start introducing you to their cousins, I’d like to add my +1 to “enjoy being single, figure out what do you want (not what does society expect), enjoy your friends.”
Heh, I’m 43 and don’t know how to not be single. Don’t want to not be single.
Outside of work, I do what I want, when I want. I can spend money without asking anybody. I can sleep as late as I want on weekends, travel on a whim, get drunk, eat whatever/whenever, I am responsible for and accountable to no one but myself.
Don’t have to hide porn or other stuff from anybody in my own home. Can surf the 'net or game as much as I want, anytime. Watching sports isn’t an issue. No honey-do lists. No girly stuff in my bathroom. No ripping my face off because someone used my razor on her legs. Heating/cooling exactly where I want it. My music at the volume I like.
Yeah, sometimes it is “Cold and lonely in the deep dark night”…but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Take advantage of the opportunity to find out who you are.
You’ll probably be amazed to discover that, apart from the values you set up for yourself and your needs as a 24 y.o. married dude, that you now have quite different priorities, perspectives, desires, etc. It can be shocking, but also quite invigorating if you don’t get freaked out by what you learn, and if you accept what you learn without spending too much time judging it.
And I’m definitely not going to get into any type of intimate relationship any time soon. But I do want to start dating casually because I don’t have the proper social grouping for a single person, and I think I’ll need that.
Although I am by no means wealthy (and that will be getting worse now), I am an attorney, so I think I can get initial hits on dating sites (there’s nothing worse than throwing around supposed status symbols, but that’s what seems called for in that kind of situation).
But I don’t even know what kind of woman I would like, or who would like me.
Worse, I haven’t been the primary shopper or housekeeper for many years. I don’t know where things are, or how they operate. Haven’t done a load of laundry in years, etc…typical helpless husband.
I don’t have a proper wardrobe for being single. I drive a bland, crappy husband-style sedan.
The list goes on…
But my first baby step:
I live in a small town where the odds of a satisfying social life are diminished, so I’m going to the nearby big city this weekend to stay with a friend.
So I went to craigslist (and actually responded to an ad–that felt weird) found a 31 yr old professional and offered to treat her and a girlfriend to an evening at the local dog track (maybe my luck will change and I’ll hit some jackpot). We’re clear that it’s not some kind of “hook up” or anything. More of a group gathering than any sort of date. (I arranged it before I told my friend about it, and he thinks I’m crazy, but he owes me, so he’s in.)
I think its better to find a social circle based on activities you enjoy - than try to date with the hopes that the they will somehow become your social circle. That actually strikes me as a remarkably unlikely result. Join a hiking club, or a gaming group, or a community softball team, or something that fits into your interests. Start doing something you are actually enthusiastic about and the friends will follow.
I hope this does not sound too harsh but it seems like you are almost hoping a woman will take you on as a fixer-upper. That way lies only pain, my friend.
People knew she was “going through a breakup” so they didn’t nag her about going out, didn’t try to introduce her to their cousins, didn’t try to give her makeovers…