How to compromise on study time for housemate

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m looking for suggestions helping my two housemates and myself figure out how to amicably deal with one housemate’s need for quiet study time, but apparent lack of desire to plan ahead for it.

I live with a married couple, and the wife has recently gone back to school. She of course now has homework to complete in the evening, while her husband and I work a fairly regular 9-6ish job, and usually don’t take work home with us. She does not study well at home when we’re there, even when she is in anothe room and we make a point of being quiet, using headphones for music or movies, etc. She acknowledges that she is easily distractable, and has a hard time getting work done. Because of this, she usually leaves the house to study. She’ll go to the library, or to a friend’s house.

A few days ago, I had a few friends over for dinner and to watch some episodes of a TV show we like, and I could tell she was wanting to have gotten more work done. She claimed that she thought she’d get more work done before they arrived, but they didn’t get there until after 8pm, so it’s not like it was a really early night. After a bit, she went into her room to try to study more. After the friends left, and she came back out into the common area, I brought up this topic.

I said that I knew she needed time to study, and that I was ok with that, but that we should figure out a way to communicate better about it. I had no idea until I got home that she was under academic pressure right now. She said that it wasn’t a big deal, that if she’d really needed to study, she’d have kicked the friends out. I said that I wasn’t really happy with that solution. I mean, I’ll try to work with her, but I’m not cool with her having veto power over fairly calm social engagements. We check with each other about big plans, but all of us regularly invite a few people over without doing so.

On the one hand, I want to be accomodating, since I realize that this is something hard for her. On the other, I think she should just buck up and learn how to do what she needs to do in the face of a little distraction. It’s not like we were throwing a kegger, or something (which most college students manage to deal with), it was just a few people watching TV at a reasonable volume. Apart from my own college years, I wrote a novel for NaNoWriMo last November, which involved spending a lot of my time focust on working. And when I needed to, I locked my door, turned off my phone, handcuffed myself to my desk, and wrote. I know that not everyone can just tune things out, but I don’t feel like she’s making much of an effort to solve her study problem herself.

I’m out of the house at least 2 or 3 nights a week, so those are already as quiet as she and her husband want to make them. Left as it is, I can probably just ignore the situation and she won’t press it, but that’s not an ideal solution. She’s definitely more cranky with the extra work. Last night I came home at around midnight, and found them both still up (they’re usually in bed by 10) and frustratedly sniping at each other as she tried to finish a project.

Any similar stories or advice is welcome. Thanks.

2

I’m a little confused, so bear with me. It might be me, or it might be you’re leaving important stuff out. I don’t see anywhere where she’s actually said she has a problem. I see “I could tell” and “she went into her room to try to study more.” and “She said that it wasn’t a big deal,”. Is she generally a really passive agressive persion? If not, I’d take her at her word. I’m just afraid your being considerate in the face of her laziness is going to feel (to her), like you’re judging her or pushing her to study more. You’re going to be cast in the role of the nag, and become one more area of resistance.

By all means, set some time aside, and even let her know about it casually if you like (“Hey, I just want to let you know that Tuesday and Thursday nights I’m going to hang at Jack’s house until about 10:00, so the place will be empty if you want to study then.”) and do give her as much warning as practical when you’re going to have people over. But the first step of doing your homework is making or finding an environment in which you can do your homework. If she’s not going to speak up and make her needs known, there’s not a whole lot else you can do about it.

Frankly, she sounds a lot like me - there’s nothing I won’t let distract me from schoolwork! Even the sound of paint drying is a distraction, 'cause I have a lousy homework ethic. :stuck_out_tongue:

3

What is she doing all day from 9-6 that she cant study then? Obviously I understand she has classes but is her schedule so full that she cant squeeze in a few hours here and there during the day?

Personally I think she should invest in some ear plugs and that way she wont notice whos around or not. If shes gets distracted so easily then its her problem to do something about it, call me unreasonable but I dont see why she should expect everyone elses life to change just because she went back to school.

Dont ever let her kick out your friends either - cant believe she actually said that!

4

I think you’re being about as accomodating as you can, and other than that it’s her problem. However, since you want to make things easier for everyone so she’s not stressed out, I guess there are a few things you could try.

First, since you’re out of the house a few nights a week anyway, could you possibly make it a regularly scheduled event? I.e. if you hang out with the same bar buddies one night a week normally, why not see if you can have a standing date every Saturday or whatnot. And if you generally go out with a friend or coworker for coffee, make that a normal Tuesday night occurance. Then tell your roommate that Tuesday and Saturday evenings you’ll be out of the house so she can get some studying done then. Then ask her to tell you if she has an important deadline looming so that you don’t invite friends over if she really needs more time to study.

Other than that, I don’t know what else you can do without bending over backwards for her. If you give her a couple of quiet evenings, and don’t invite people over when she has something important to get done, then any other studying she needs to do can be done at the library. I think this is definitely more her problem than yours, if she is so easily distracted that TV at a normal volume will prevent her from getting done (in another room, I’m assuming?).

My only experience in a similar situation was living with my boyfriend a couple of years ago. I had a very heavy courseload one semester and needed to study more than I was used to. We both worked a 9-6ish job so we had the same free time. Our apartment was small, the computer was in the living room, and the bedroom had no desk or similar setup to study at. When he watched TV we’d be in the same room together and I did find it distracting. I just talked to him and explained the situation, so when I told him I needed some quiet time, he’d either move to the bedroom to watch TV, or do something quiet like read or paint. That worked well for us, since it was only 2 people and a small apartment. It gets more complicated I’m sure when you add a third person, but with a larger apartment/house it seems like you should be able to reasonably accomodate this woman without having to give up your social life or never hanging out at your house.

5

My theory on roommate rules is that any rules are reasonable, so long as they are stated up front, before everyone moves in together. So if you are going to ban TV after 10pm, that’s fine, but get everyone to agree to it first. If you are going to insist that every dish be washed, polished, and returned to its original packaging after every meal, thats fine too, but again, everyone must agree to it before they unpack their stuff.

I hate noise when I’m trying to study, but I think she is being unreasonable. And I agree, unless they said upfront that they don’t want guests over during the week, then she can’t throw your friends out for just watching TV. She can make a request, but she can’t demand it.

Of course, my theories don’t help your situation. But I would try telling her that these sort of noise restrictions are understandable but not automatically assumed, and you didn’t agree to them when you moved in. That being said, if she wants to request some 100% quiet time, you’ll see what you can do but no promises. I’d be the first person to sympathize with someone who needs some quiet, but I don’t think you should have to change your lifestyle at this point.

6

Good point actually, what has she actually asked/complained about?

7

On previous occasions, she has claimed that she was unable to study for a variety of reasons. She hasn’t complained about my behavior, but has complained about the environment. She’s even said that she was unable to study in her room because it’s distracting, even in the absense of any noise from me or her husband. She tends to prefer to do work at the dining room table.

On this night, she did not explicitly complain about it, but she was clearly frustrated and irritated, and after a little while, gathered her schoolwork up from the table and carried into her bedroom. It’s possible I’m just overanalyzing her mood, but I know my housemates well enough to pick up on when they’re annoyed.

To the suggested scheduled nights out, I’m already pretty close to that. I go dancing every Wednesday and every other Friday (soon to be every Friday), I have a rotating Magic game (which is occasionally at our place. But I alwasy check in advance.) nearly every Tuesday.

Thanks for the replies and suggestions. I’m relieved to find that I’m not the only one who thought that “Oh, don’t worry: I’d just kick them out if I needed to” wasn’t very reasonable.

8

Any chance a white sound machine in her study area would help?

9

I don’t know. I’m partly frustrated by this situation because she doesn’t seem willing to try things like that until something works. It’s like she’s decided that she can’t study well at home, and that’s it.

10

Speaking as an easily distracted, easily annoyed person . . .

When I’m trying to concentrate, I’m very sensitive to sound. I can’t sleep in a room with a ticking clock. I can’t read when the TV’s on. And so on.

Once I needed to kill some time in public, and I had some work with me. I found a table in the very dead food court in that town’s very dead downtown mall. Nearly complete quiet.

I worked for about an hour until along came a couple of women with a stroller with sprog inside. They sat at the table RIGHT NEXT TO ME and proceeded to have a conversation at moderate-to-loud volume. Completely changed the character of the area.

Well, after that, all I could hear was their inane conversation. I packed up and moved on.

Was I annoyed that they had disturbed the quiet? Absolutely. Would I expect them to shut up or go somewhere else because I was there first and was treating the place as my private study zone? Hell no.*

My distractability is my problem and no one else’s. Ditto for her. She can’t expect the whole world to shut up because she’s studying. That’s what libraries and HER OWN PRIVATE BEDROOM are for. AND if the problem’s in HER HEAD, then she needs to find a way to deal with it.

*I think I was rightfully annoyed whenever I found people studying in the single piano room of my dorm. It’s not like I could play the piano in the library.

11

Who cares? (And I don’t mean that in a bad way.) I can’t study well at home. I can’t study well at the library, either. The only possible way for me to sit somewhere and study is to go to a coffee shop. Then I grab some awake-juice, throw in some ear plugs and hit the books.

I need people bustling around me so I don’t fall asleep due to the material. If my friends or someone I know is around, then I’ll just talk to them. If I’m in my room then I’ll just play on the internet or stare at my possessions or do anything to distract myself. But sitting in a coffeeshop? Flame on, my friend - study central.

So my vote: Buy her a Starbuck’s card, tell her she can’t kick your friends out, and start ignoring the whole thing!

Oh, and Scarlett? Ear plugs! Secret of the pros!

ETA: By the way, ear plugs are good for almost everything! Long flights, community service on the side of the road, hell, if someone annoying is talking to you, you can just nod slowly while you dramatically pull your ear plugs from your pocket and slowly twist them into your ear…

12

Nah, tried 'em. Then I just hear my pulse in my ears, and with these two I probably STILL could have heard them. I mean it, I’m a freak; I’m annoyed by the most mundane and innocent noises. I was happy that my most recently purchased computer has a relatively loud fan, because it meant I could put the not-so-hot white-noise machine away. Add the hum of the air conditioner in the summer and I’m in white-noise heaven.

Of course, I still have the SDMB to distract me. :slight_smile:

(Oddly enough, I can concentrate just fine in a BUSY mall food court; as long as I can’t hear any single conversation, the dull roar makes fine white noise.)