This is long and a little complicated. My oldest sister is deaf, and she is married to a deaf man. This bears relevance as she is somewhat ignorant of a lot of things that a hearing person may be aware of (such as cycle of abuse) and there is a little language barrier. We have to be careful how we approach her as she doesn’t hear you out and will jump to conclusions.
She has been married to this guy for about seven years. She always had lower self-esteem and it was reinforced by the somewhat backward view our local deaf culture takes on marriage (they are still very much women subservient to men). She is educated, but still works as a part-time cashier at Safeway, and is unwilling to push for full time despite her seniority. This is just to give you an idea about her inability to stand up for herself (pretty much non-existent). In retrospect she was prime pickings for the type of man she married.
He is a drunk and an abuser. He abuses her emotionally all the time, and when he drinks hits her. We have managed over the past four years to convince her to leave him three times. Each time we got her out of their apartment, put on her own, and put safety precautions in place to protect her. Once we even sent her out of province. Each time she went back. She is scared to be on her own, that she will never meet anyone else. She feels her life is “shit” but does nothing to change it.
She confessed on Saturday that he has started to drink again. She seems to think that she can just wait until “he seems to go crazy” and that’s when she will leave. We tried, to no success to convince her that may be too late. He has in the past put one of his sisters’s in the hospital. We are terrified he will put her in the morgue. I managed to score a small point in the argument because she has always wanted to have kids. I explained to her that although is it possible to have a baby up to and past forty, the risks grow (Down’s syndrome etc). She was not aware and realized she can’t wait forever. She admits she doesn’t really love him anymore, she is just worried that she will meet no one else. We have tried to convince her that she is a beautiful, smart woman and that there are many men out there looking for a wife like her.
Any tips on how to save her? She is too smart to be this stupid. If you have a personla experience to share, please let me know what finally made you leave your hurtful situation
I hate to say it, but this is a realization she’ll have to come to on her own. It’s difficult for her to see this “one” thing when it’s her entire life she has to live. At the moment, he is the lesser of two or more evils.
If there is a way she could move to a different area with a strong hearing impaired community, would this provide the strength she needs? You may be able to find a group that she could build a relationship with before she takes the final step to leave him.
Your sister may have to come to the point where the situation is no longer tolerable to her. That time may come at a time when it’s relatively easy for her to leave, or it may come when he really hurts her and she’s in fear for her life. At any rate, it’s extremely difficult to convince someone to do something so drastic (in her eyes), and usually attempting to do so is ineffective. And if she’s committed to the marraige and/or “saving” him, your advice to leave may be seen by her as if you’re bad-mouthing him, which may have the effect of pushing her away from you and even more towards him. So tread lightly.
Having said that, I’d also like to say that money talks. There’s a good chance she feels that she can’t financially make it without him or someone else. Or there could be other reasons why she doesn’t feel that she can be alone, and being with an abuser is better than what she envisions her life to be without him. If your family has the resources, I’d suggest making a plan for her to leave and be in a secure place without having to worry about money for a predetermined amount of time. My father abused my mother as I was growing up, and my grandparents over and over helped her financially to leave him. She always went back and even to this day is still with him, but I wouldn’t have nearly the opinion of them that I do now if they hadn’t helped her each and every time without reservation. If she leaves him for good on the 5th time, or the 20th time, it’s worth it.
I’d suggest you not give up on her, yet not push her too hard. Just be there and be supportive and help her all that you can. It’s hard to imagine why abused women stay, and it’s easy to become frustrated with them and give up, but she does need her family and all the support she can get.
Actually, she is the main breadwinner, he has no high school diploma and makes considerably less than her. That may be part of the problem though, she doesn’t want to leave him destitute
Echoing an earlier post, she will have to make this decision on her own. All you can do is be there for her, as much as you can stand it, and provide her with resources and information regarding counselling, etc if she is interested.
I know it’s heartbreaking - I have been in your shoes as well as in your sister’s, and I still can’t provide any magic answers for either of you.
