How to deal with this backhanded compliment?

[choie]

Ha! I won’t say which comment made me snort with laughter, but— I’ll just say yeah, I do read enough. Point taken.

Yours is definitely the kinder and more generous interpretation, and I don’t think it’s impossible (hence the poll, and also hence why I’m not getting my undies in a bundle over it and would rather point out, lightly, the hopefully unintentional but less kind possible interpretation).

I think the “hard” sent out warning bells because, and this might just be my experience, Jewish women (and men too) do sometimes get slapped with the stereotype of being single-minded, calculating, manipulative, and so on. So having “hard” features doesn’t seem like a compliment, unless you’re talking about someone’s entire body (“hardbodied”) being toned, and this is a head shot so the “toned” thing doesn’t apply.

But anyway it’s not like I’m going after this chick with a sharpened dreidl or anything, I’m just going to respond in a generally friendly way, but with a touch of playful snark. Even if it doesn’t hit her with a clue brick, at least I’ll feel better for saying something rather than wussing out as I usually do.

[Cazzle]

I met my ex online and at the start of our very first conversation he told me “I was born in Malaysia but I look like a normal person.” I was taken aback, but decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he’d misspoken when trying to say “I was born in Malaysia but I’m Caucasian” or “I was born in Malaysia but I’m not of Malaysian heritage”.

In that respect, I made the right call. He wasn’t racist, he was just hugely inept at explaining himself, especially in a written format. There are a thousand reasons I should have run screaming from that relationship, but racism wasn’t one of them. Of course, one of the reasons I should have run was to avoid spending the better part of the next decade smoothing ruffled feathers whenever he misspoke.

Despite his faults, I do believe he was honestly horrified when people would point out how his words came across. I could see him saying “you’re pretty” and “you don’t look as Jewish as I thought” as two separate thoughts that occurred sequentially, and then digging the hole deeper as he tried to explain what he thought he needed to explain what Jewish looks were.

[aaelghat]

Here’s the thing… “Pretty” is a value statement, and the reality is everyone has a defined a set of characteristics that they think makes someone more or less “pretty”. Nobody’s view of what is pretty is right or wrong.

By the same token, different Nationalities do have stereotypical physical features. Most people would probably describe the stereotypical Arab as having olive skin, a wide nose, and curly hair.

Most people would describe the stereotypical Eskimo as having straight hair, a flatter face, and a relatively flat nose

The stereotypical Jewish female might be described as having an angular nose, defined cheek bones, and narrower face - “harder” features than what you’d find on the stereotypical Eskimo.

Those are the stereotypical characteristics - there’s nothing wrong with a stereotype as long as you recognize it for what it is - a rough and imperfect way of describing a large group of people.

Now let’s put two and two together. If I showed you pictures and asked you which was prettier, the stereotypical Arab, or Eskimo, or Asian, etc., you would probably have an opinion of who was prettier. There’s nothing wrong with having a bias towards specific physical characteristics.

In a moment of honesty I think Chris may have been saying that she doesn’t find the stereotypical Jewish features of well defined cheekbones, high nose, etc. that attractive. Now the question is whether you will hold that against her.

I wouldn’t call you a bigot if you told me that you found the stereotypical Norwegian more attractive than the stereotypical Pacific Islander, and I don’t think Chris’ comment was bigoted or offensive either. It may have shown bad judgement, but she was just sharing with you what defines “pretty” for her.

[Spud]

I’m glad I could make you chuckle (that is my intent more times than not).

Here is what I got from a Google Image search on “Hard Features Woman Face.”

http://www.google.com/imgres?num=10&um=1&hl=en&biw=1280&bih=685&tbm=isch&tbnid=EhyJl1lXnAdf2M:&imgrefurl=http://www.whatsonxiamen.com/news26272.html&docid=_X1m8aEbvsmFXM&imgurl=http://www.whatsonxiamen.com/news_images/perfect_face_02017.jpg&w=634&h=426&ei=GbcYUPunGIrl0QGmyoHoCw&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=373&vpy=326&dur=5465&hovh=184&hovw=274&tx=129&ty=123&sig=111230376100750328881&sqi=2&page=1&tbnh=146&tbnw=218&start=0&ndsp=17&ved=1t:429,r:7,s:0,i:95

Not too ugly in MHO.