Do the dynamics of your relationship constrain you from openly acknowledging and discussing with your significant other the sexual attractiveness of others? I, a husband, am constrained in discussions with my wife by the following rules (unexpressed, but quite clear in their enforcement):
I am permitted to agree with a statement made by said wife concerning the attractiveness of another woman. For instance, last night, while watching Lost, the character named Nikki walked onscreen. In case you don’t know, Nikki is blindingly hot. My wife said, “She’s very pretty.” And she leaned her ear toward me a little to wait for my response. I sat silently. She said, “… you can agree with that.” So I said, “She is pretty.” Case closed. Inside, of course, I was engaged in a lengthy exposition on the various ways I could organize Nikki’s limbs in bed.
I am permitted to maintain a version of “the list.” (I.e., the list of people we would be allowed to have sex with if the circumstances permitted. [Unspoken proviso governing “the list”: No one on the list may be someone as to whom such circumstances could ever come about.]) If I recall correctly, the last iteration of my list included Jennifer Connelly, Amanda Peet, and someone else. (I decline to commit to the identity of the third, for fear that I will get it wrong and somehow come to regret my error.) Inclusion on the list is an implicit acknowledgement of sexual attractiveness.
I am permitted to comment on a woman’s attractiveness by using “classy” euphemisms. For instance, I could say, “That woman has good bone structure.” Or, “Her face has nice features.” Both are, of course, euphemisms for, “I would like to climb on top of her and screw her silly.”
I am permitted to comment on the attractiveness of men without constraint. I think I could even say, “Man, I would like to pound that guy’s ass like it was a nail and I was a hammer!” I haven’t tried that yet.
I’ve always been envious of those men whose relationships with their partners permit them to ogle, catcall, drool, and otherwise let their masculine essences manifest themselves. Alas, I must disguise and conceal those essences, and pretend that there is not, in fact, a horny 16-year-old living inside my 35-year-old body.
I don’t know the “how” of it, but yes my relationship with my SO does allow us to comment on the attractiveness of others to each other. It is quite silly, in both of our opinions, to think that just because we love each other we do not find other attractive. Of course we find others attractive, and maybe even “hotter” then we find each other. I am quite aware that there are numerous men who are much “Hotter” then I am. For her to think, and say, I was the hottest guy she knew/saw/what have you would mean she was lieing to me. This would make it harder for me to trust her opinion on how my hair looks, or how that shirt looks, etc.
I ogle women while with her, she does the same however I KNOW I look more then she does (or am at least more obvious however that could just be a male/female thing)
Birman and I are fully look but don’t touch. We have celebs and actors we know the other is attracted to, and will tell them to run to the TV if they are on, even keeping nebulous lists. We share all our real-life crushes and point out hotties to the other. We freely discuss previous relationships. Really, neither of us see the point of all the jealousy–human beings are sexual creatures and don’t have an on/off switch for attraction and crushes. We trust each other, and it really is cute to see Birdman get all stupid around the hottie hostess who keeps stopping at our table and I’m sure he feels the same about me.
Ah, now here is a good thing about both spouses being the same gender. When my sposue says somebody is hot, it is because she wants to be able to ogle the same person… We would only get in trouble if we DON’T pass on a good “viewing opportunity!”
I have no problem with Mr. Athena looking at other women. Heck, I point 'em out to him all the time. We’ve gotten in trouble for it as well. I have a sister-in-law who thinks Mr. Athena is some sort of devil spawn because he once danced with a woman and supposedly looked at her boobs while doing it. I was in the same room when the incident happened and it didn’t bother me in the least, but according to this crazy chick he was cheating on me :rolleyes:
Unfortunately, I know a lot of women who freak out if they think their husbands/boyfriends find other women attractive. I think it’s flat out stupid. Ladies, he looks at other women. Trust me. He looks at their boobs, their asses, and thinks about what it would be like to jump in bed with them. You can either pretend he doesn’t or accept that he does, but he ain’t gonna stop until he’s dead, and chances are he won’t leave you for that other woman, so get over it.
See, I knew that if I posted this a whole bunch of people would reply about how totally open their relationships are, leaving me to suspect that I’m the only one with such a messed-up, repressive relationship. Damn this openness!
(In defense of our relationship, however, it is kind of a running joke. Thus, she was sort of egging me on by noting Nikki’s attractiveness, and I was sort of playing along by remaining silent.)
However, ogling is no running joke. It is strictly prohibited. I still do it, of course, but I try to make it look like I’m admiring a lovely plate glass window on a storefront, or the often overlooked beauty of a dented mailbox.
My list of crushes has been the subject of many a discussion, in fact just a few nights ago I listed as many women I was attracted to as I could after she mentioned that the list of men I have crushes on seemed to be significantly longer than the list of women (I’m not sure if I was able to tip the balance despite my efforts though). Alternately the various men (and occasional women) that she finds attractive get mentioned as well.
I know I am not the most beautiful person around. I will go so far as to say, I am not conventionally beautiful.
Now I know my man well. He doesn’t necessarily want conventionally beautiful. He wants someone who will stick by his side, through thick and through thin, who will grow with him, who will learn and understand. Guess what? That’s what I want too!
However just because that’s what he has doesn’t mean he doesn’t like to look. I accept his senses are not dead. I also know that all those conventionally beautiful women out there? They didn’t get him, I did. I know he won’t stray. So…what’s the big deal if he looks?
He was looking at some 19 YO chick some time ago. I made a joking comment on the Dope - “well, he’s 30, so I guess it’s the right age to look at 19 YOs.” Some very clever wit responded “As if there is a right age.” How true.
I don’t think you’re in a horribly repressed and restrictive relationship if you’re not “allowed” to ogle other people. My fiancé tells me I’m the Prettiest Girl in the Whole World. I know that’s unlikely, but it makes me feel nice. I tell him he’s the Handsomest Boy. The posts above pretty much state that “finding someone attractive” means “I want to bang the shit out of him/her.”
Sure, I understand that men and women think that way about people who are not their SOs. I know that Handsomest Boy does the same thing, but that doesn’t mean I want to hear about it every time he notices someone attractive. It would make me wonder if I’m not the Prettiest Girl anymore.
Eh, there’s no editing with us. Why should there be?
The only time it’s ever been cause for comment was one time, while inscribing a greeting card for one of her friends, I described her as “unreasonably cute.” This was probably because the observation wasn’t just entre nous, but communicated directly to the unreasonably cute one. Even still, she knows it was innocent flattery and her reaction was more playful teasing about my “flirting with her friends” than a real complaint. I think.
But yeah, we both make licentious comments to each other about the attractiveness of other people without causing undue concern.
There’s a huge difference in oogling and looking or appreciating how great someone looks.
Oogling is demeaning to the person your doing it to and to the person your with. Does anyone like to get oogled by strangers when your walking down the street? As creepy as that is, it’s even weirder if they’re with someone. I think it’s human nature to be attracted to and admire whatever your idea of beauty is whether it’s a person, or even a beautiful view.
I know my husband looks, so do I, but he’d never say anything about someone’s appearance unless I asked him. Sure he checks out boobs but never in an obvious way or with a “check out her tits.” Not because he’s not “allowed” to, but because he’s a pretty classy guy.
My wife and I not only know who is on each other’s “do 'em in a heartbeat” list, that list is not limited to celebs or people We Will Never Really Meet. In a restaurant, bar, whatever, 50% of the time when my wife tells me in that low voice “damn, that’s a nice ass”, it’ll turn out to be a girl. Her tastes are different than mine, though; my wife likes petite, tiny women – breakables, we call 'em – whereas I’m more into the Amazon type (tall, athletic).
As for guys, she likes them on the meatier side, which is probably a good thing for me, anyway. And hair. She drools over hair. I don’t get it, but ok.
We each have a ‘no way in hell’ list, too, though the reasoning behind that isn’t what you might think. It’s because some things, no matter how fun, just aren’t worth the cost. For example, there’s a friend of ours on my “no” list, and I happen to agree with my wife’s reasoning for why. I can comment, ogle, etc. all I want, but it ain’t ever gonna happen because the lady is psycho and we don’t need the hassle.
Anyway, the point is that we don’t do the ‘jealousy’ thing. We both know there’s other folks out there that we find attractive. We’re not together because where The Only One for each other, we’re together because we love each other and we make a damn good team. We’re partners. I have her back, she’s got mine. Sex and/or relative hotness doesn’t figure into it – though it’s a nice benefit, heh. It’s just not the important bit, y’see?
In my first relationship it was forbidden to say anything, unless she wanted me to. She didn’t tell me when she wanted me to and when she didn’t, and she got pissed if I got it wrong.
In my second relationship, we talked about it all the time. Got graphic. Ogled. There was never a hint of jealousy. I don’t think I could ever go back to a normal woman.
My wife permits me to ogle and make licentious comments about other women-- in fact, she’ll often enthusiastically agree. (Mention the movie Mean Girls and she’ll wax poetic on the subject of Lindsay Lohan’s amazing rack for as long as you care to listen.) The one condition is that I have to follow up with a comment to the effect of “But you are even hotter and I want you way more.” She’ll also tease me mercilessly if I ogle a woman that she doesn’t think is attractive.
I’ve spent some time on a peer relationship counselling board. You folk would faint dead away at the numbers of women who are desperately insecure. According to them, their men absolutely must consider them the most beautiful and desirable of all women or else the men are cheating or don’t love their women.
And heaven help the man who so much as glances at a picture of a naked woman or masturbates!
Again, not too hard to figure why they’d end up on a ‘help me fix my relationship’ board. Some of them would finally listen to reason but others fought tooth and nail to remain upset at their men for the slightest of transgressions. At least one even broke up a marriage over it.
I dated a bi-sexual girl for awhile. We were out at a show once and a very pretty girl went to sit down in front of us. As she was sitting she looked back at me and we made eye contact. She then looked over at my girlfriend and then back at me and got a weird look on her face and turned around.
My girlfriend and I looked at each other and laughed. We had both been checking her out and the girl got creeped out by a couple giving her the eye.
My husband and I are very much like Anaamika and her SO. We often will point out people for one another and neither of us have any kind of hang-ups about telling one another that we find someone attractive.
My husband did get a huge laugh out of me one time, though. We were leaving a doctor appointment and I was ogling one of the little hot, barely legal, tan, tall, blonde piece of eye candy valet parkers. I really wasn’t at first, but he did catch my eye and I did look, and hubby caught me turning to get a better look and teased me about it mercilessly. He teases me about it occassionally still and it was over a year ago.
I don’t really care if he looks, talks to or flirts with other women. I am secure in our relationship. I have been in relationships in the past, however; where even glancing at other guys caused a huge riot to ensue. I am glad that is not the case with my husband.
How true.
And hair. She drools over hair. I don’t get it, but ok.