I’m not married just yet, but my fiance and I are pretty open about this kind of thing- she’ll text message me about guys she saw in the airport, or point them out to me when we’re out and about, and I’ll point out nice looking women and/or make salacious comments about them.
We both know that it’s all hot air- sure, the other people may be attractive, but that’s not necessarily why we’re together. (don’t get me wrong, she’s cute!) We realize that it’s looking, and not doing anything; we’re both secure enough about ourselves so that it doesn’t bother us.
She’ll even go so far as to mention friends/co-workers of hers with particular endowments before I meet them as “Carol- she has the nice rack” or when I don’t remember them, she usually prompts me with “Betty- the one at the party with the blue dress and nice ass” or something like that.
I think it’s a matter of trust, self-confidence and self-esteem. Women who are confident don’t feel like it’s a competition once they’ve landed a man that they trust.
Iv’e always pointed out “objecects of interest” to my SO. I recall being at an resturant with a balcony. I looked down to see cleavage like…well lit was pretty damn good and from that angle…well it was a good angle. So I had to share it with him.
I want him to be happy. And as long as I know he’s going home with me…
I’m feeling so fucking thick right now. I’ve spent like twenty minutes thinking about this, and I have no idea what it is you are saying. Or what the joke is. Or much of anything really.
Although I was informed recently by the missus that what I thought was really subtle checking out of attractive ladies as they pass is in fact “blindingly obvious”.
I think he means that your present relationship is normal, and your previous relationship wasn’t. I think he’s right. The ex sounded like she had some issues.
I think most people look and even joke about it. The only time I can see it being an issue is if the person made an ass of themselves doing it. Or if the relationship was a little rocky and the person felt insecure.
Some people are just very jealous and you almost have to feel sorry for them. They’re never happy in a relationship and spend all of their time looking for things to be jealous about. My aunt was that way, she’d get mad if my uncle was watching a show with attractive women. WTF? It’s not like the woman was going to jump out of the TV and snatch him away from her.
Last night, as we were finishing dinner, a rerun of Smallville was on. I commented “Wow, Chloe (Alison Mack) is cute.” My wife started to get up and walk away. I finished with “…and you Know just Who she reminds me of.”
(My wife has short blonde hair and is on the perky side too.)
My SO would never say to me that some girl he saw was hot, though sometimes people he knows or has known are described as such if relevant. I sometimes point out that I think someone is hot, and then he gives his opinion. Sometimes he agrees with me, sometimes not. I think he was trained to be this way by someone previous GF and is now conditioned to restrain himself. I do more ogling than he does. I’m sure he looks (who doesn’t? people without eyes, that’s it) but he’s not obvious about it.
However, neither of us ever say we’d have sex with someone else, or would want to. For me, it wouldn’t be true. I don’t have a list of hot celebrities I want to fuck because really, there isn’t some stranger who is good looking that I would drop trou for, even Johnny Depp, in some theoretical universe where I’d even have a shot with him. I might find other men attractive, even empirically better looking than my BF, but not enough to have sex with them. If my BF has a list of other people he’d like to fuck, he hasn’t shared it with me, and I think that’s just as well. I’d like to think he feels the same way-- hot women abound, good to look at, none of them would be worth screwing.
I guess I’m a little surprised that everyone is 100% fine with their one and only saying they’d love to screw someone else, and naming names. I think there’s a big difference between that and saying that someone is attractive. The latter is an observation, which implies no action or desire to act; the former is intent, however abstract. I’m fine with looking and talking, but not openly wanting to screw someone else.
Well, count me on the “don’t want to hear it” side. Am I really supposed to find it interesting? I don’t talk about appearances or celebrities much in any context. You know that saying about people with really good people skills “When you’re talking with him, it’s like you’re the only one in the room”? I think it’s a nice form of respect for spouses to always recognize the #1-ness of their partner, and try to create that feeling for each other when you’re together. I don’t need for my husband to not look at other women, biology being what it is, but now that he is no longer 16 I do expect him to have the maturity not to need to talk about some random hottie to someone who isn’t interested.
I could get away with it but I don’t. Its not that it would bother her terribly, but I don’t think its something she wants to hear. Our relationship is maturing; however, and I suspect I will be able to push the boundaries. My wife needs to get over the insecurity and realize that she is the one I want to share my life and grow old with. It is not a fight that I am afraid of.
I sincerely hope that she looks at other guys. Actually, I know that she does as she has told me, but I hope that she not only looks, but flirts and develops crushes on other guys. It is, in my opinion, one of the more exciting parts of life and marriage should not be the death of it. Physical contact is the boundry.
Oh, sorry. (And sorry to leave you hanging for so long – I’m at work, and making an effort to be a good employee.) I’m glad that Caridwen was there to act as interpreter, it’s pretty much spot on.
As described, your first relationship sounds like it was with someone that was (at least in that one area) pathologically neurotic. The second one sounds natural and healthy.
I think this is something of a false dichotomy. I think that “#1-ness” is demonstrated a hundred different ways from day to day. My GF knows who I find drop-dead-gorgeous, and it’s just a matter-of-fact thing. She also knows who I’m head-over-heels, balls-up, hopelessly in love with and slavishly devoted to. Also a matter-of-fact thing.
Observing that one of her friends looks like a bundle o’ sex doesn’t diminish that a bit, any more than saying “It’s a beautiful day,” devalues her beauty. I mean, seriously – if I remark that all of her friends are fecking gorgeous (which appears to be the case) but never hit on them or waiver in my attention to her… what does that say about my estimation of her?
Likewise, when she remarks that so-and-so has killer eyes and rugged fuck-me features, I don’t blanche, because I recognize that it’s just the plain truth. It’s not any more threatening than any other comment on aesthetics.
As far as not being interested is concerned – that I can relate to. If the topic bores you, then it’s only polite to leave it alone.
To me it’s more of a matter of politeness. We’ve had the conversation, of “Man, that chick is smokin” but there is a difference of observation and ogling.
I always say Drachillix is allowed to look, not ogle, not drool, not catcall, not try to engage when I’m there. Such antics would indicate he’d rather be without me there. Such antics would immediately result in his being there without me.
That said, we both enjoy looking and often comment on who should sue their plastic surgeon, because the twins are fraternal! Combover from hell! What not to wear!
We’re mean.
Sorry, I think maybe I used “ogle” incorrectly. Merriam Webster says that it is to eye “with challenge” or “provocation” or “invitingly” - I am in no way inviting or even letting the “ogled” know I am looking! THAT would just scare me! (I’m a wimp…)
Well, a lot of it is in the trust, and 18 years of discussions. My spouse knows darn well I have absolutely NO interest in actually DOING anything with anybody else - In fact, we got propositioned by someone we both felt was very interesting a long time ago and decided that it would be a not-so-hot idea to pursue.
I think so much of it is because we both know to our cores that we have only enough room for each other in our hearts, bed, and day-to-day lovin’ that we don’t mind looking. But after a long Minnesota winter, it sure is nice to see gorgeous women around!
The trick is to compare the hottie to your SO in a Constructive way. For example, say you are staring at the very fine ass of a girl in a very short skirt. Your SO asks what youare thinking about. The correct answer is “I was thinking how good your ass would look in a skirt like that.” There is no other correct answer.
Depends, would you like to get into yet another discussion on the nature of “piropos”? (Compliments yelled, generally at a woman, generally by a male who’s in the company of other males)
There’s guys who look at you and make you feel sisterhood with slabs of meat.
There’s guys who make that rotten slabs of meat.
There’s guys who look at you and make you feel like your existence was the whole reason God made this old dirtball.
I’ve been SO-less for quite a long time, but I would be worried if my male SO never looked at other women. I’d be wondering if I’d turned into a beard or something
I’m similar to Rubystreak on this one. There really isn’t anyone else I have a real desire for. There are people around who look really good to me, but the attractiveness doesn’t equal “want to see what he’s like in the sack.” I go further in that the word “hot” means nothing to me (and it looks like I’m alone on this board on this, but that’s okay ). For me it just brings up this social/biological checklist of desirable traits (big boobs, long legs, ripped abs, long eyelashes, come-hither stare, symmetrical face, big lips or whatever), and the connection between that and real desirability isn’t made for me. I don’t find it cool or interesting to announce when I’m feeling randy or who does it for me (unless I’m planning to request something) and accordingly I don’t care who other people want to screw and I don’t see why they have to bring it up. I’m comfortable with my sexuality without broadcasting how sexual a being I am, though it’s become a popular thing to do. I don’t feel that people who do always talk about sex/who turns them on/who is hot are necessarily airheaded juvenile dingbats, of course, so I would hope that likewise, not everyone automatically assumes not wanting to speak/hear of such things always equals jealous/immature/insecure.
I was friends with my SO before we got together so I know that he’s found/does find people who look nothing like me attractive, and that my ideas about “hotness” hadn’t occured to him before our relationship. That’s natural. But the attractiveness of others is a subject I do find tiring, plus I’m a long-term brooder and it’s not my favorite subject to speculate on, and he respects that. I can’t know what he thinks of other people from day to day, but I love him and want him for the long haul, I’m not tempted to stray (and the opportunity does come up fairly often), and I believe him when he says the same. We’ve discussed who we find attractive once or twice, no point in avoiding the subject when it actually comes up. We talk about everything. But without feeling compelled by social norms to announce it whenever something stirs the ol’ loins, it really doesn’t come up that much.
To answer the original question (if it was really looking for an answer ), there is no right answer. It depends on who you’re with. If they have boundaries you don’t, it’s up to you whether to respect those or to move on.
). For me it just brings up this social/biological checklist of desirable traits (big boobs, long legs, ripped abs, long eyelashes, come-hither stare, symmetrical face, big lips or whatever), and the connection between that and real desirability isn’t made for me. I don’t find it cool or interesting to announce when I’m feeling randy or who does it for me (unless I’m planning to request something) and accordingly I don’t care who other people want to screw and I don’t see why they have to bring it up. I’m comfortable with my sexuality without broadcasting how sexual a being I am, though it’s become a popular thing to do. I don’t feel that people who do always talk about sex/who turns them on/who is hot are necessarily airheaded juvenile dingbats, of course, so I would hope that likewise, not everyone automatically assumes not wanting to speak/hear of such things always equals jealous/immature/insecure.
), there is no right answer. It depends on who you’re with. If they have boundaries you don’t, it’s up to you whether to respect those or to move on.