YWTF, in my humble opinion, your mom obviously just wants you to be happy. When you talked to her about your dating challenges and that you’re “planning” to be happy, she understood that you are not currently happy. She wants to help you (to fix your problem) because that’s what moms do, but since she probably does not keep a container of spare sons-in-law in the basement, she’s using the only thing she does have that might, in her mind, help you reach your goal to be happy. If you can convince her that you are happy, right now even without a husband, then she may back off with the God stuff. But since you’ve convinced her that you’re not happy right now – without a man – you have an uphill climb (i.e., she won’t believe you right away).
So be patient. Do things that make you happy and stop worrying about it. And stop telling your mom your romantic problems. Tell her problems that she has a chance in heck to actually fix, like a loose button on your cardigan. Thank your mom for her concern and tell her that you love her for being in your corner. She’s just trying to help her child (whatever your age, you’re still her child) to be happy.
Good luck. And, again, this is just my two cents. I don’t even know your mom.
My sister in law is a lovely, talented, friendly woman who has been a devout Christian all her life, attends church every week and sings in the choir. She is quite attractive and a good dancer. She’s 35 and for whatever reason, does not have a husband either (and not for want of trying). So your Mom has good intentions but faith in God is not a cure for singleness.
Ditto. She’s your mother – of course she’s right, and you’re wrong. (From her perspective, naturally.) She’s the one who gave birth to you, raised you from an infant, taught you nearly everything you know about yourself…and so on. You can’t change her mind about anything, so don’t bother trying.
Your sole option is to avoid the subject entirely, or ask her politely to STFU when it does come up. If she keeps pressing the issue, either hang up or leave the room.
legalsnugs makes a great point: If all you are talking about all the time is boys, relationships, and always seem to be on the lookout for a man, then she is probably just trying to help in the only way she knows how. So focus on what’s going on in your life that’s awesome, things you’re particularly proud of, and talk about dating as if it’s an afterthought.
“Have you met anyone?”
“Oh, yeah, we went out a couple times, but I decided I could do better. Hey, did you see [insert some accomplishment here]? I was really excited to [whatever].”
When the topics that you bring up are topics that obviously bring you joy (that sort of thing shows in your facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice) then she will understand that you’re happy without a man. I think that’s actually what caused my parents to stop asking. They could hear (I live 1,000 miles away) that I was happy with X, Y and Z activities/friends/whatever so there was no problem to solve from their point of view.
My mom does the same thing. When I got divorced, she asked me for my ex’s new address so she could mail him *The Purpose-Drive Life, *because she was convinced that would change his mind (even though I told her the separation was mostly my idea), and she continually brings up prayer, church, and so forth in almost every conversation we have. I used to be a fundie Baptist like her, but am one no longer. I haven’t told her that; she only knows that I don’t go to church at all and that I respond very neutrally to her religious statements and questions.
Because of this and because she has reacted in ways similar to what you, youwiththeface, describe in your OP, she has lost the privilege of knowing anything about my personal life. Seriously, I dated someone for several months last year and have been dating someone now for a few months, and she has no idea. I tell her I’m having dinner with “a friend,” or “friends” and that’s it. I know she wishes we could be closer, but because of her continual oppressive religious mandates and lectures, this is just not possible. She believes she is doing the right thing, I’m sure, and that one day I will return to the fold on my knees. I don’t want to hurt her, so I’m mum about everything. My sister also no longer shares her personal life with my mother. She thinks she knows us, but she does not. Not anymore. We are almost like polite strangers.
Well, that’s big thing that frustrates me, this pressure to always act happy. I don’t feel like I can just be human without questions of faith and religiousness and God’s miraculous grace being brought up.
At any rate, I am happy. Meaning, overall, my life is fine. Not depressed or feeling sorry for myself. Does this mean my life is perfect? No. But I do wish I could occasionally talk to my mother about the occassional imperfection in my life without her concluding that I’m dangling off a cliff and need the kind of savin that only a supernatural being can deliver.
The only reason why I told her I was “planning to be happy regardless” is because she seems to think that praying hard for my singleness to one day end is what I should do to be happy and find someone. But this attitude irritates me because of what it reveals about her perceptions of my singleness. And also, I know from here on out, any future failure of mine in the dating department is only going to confirm to her that I don’t have enough faith in God. So I gotta deal with her silently judging me, too.
I’m getting kind of pissed off the more I think about it. But these feelings apparently will have to be masked from her lest she thinks I’m demon-possessed.
I don’t. Thought I made that clear in the OP. Rarely if ever do I talk about any private aspects of my life to my parents. And I rarely talk about anything remotely bad that is going on my life.
So one of the few times that I do vent to her about a normal, everyday challenge, my mother reacts as if I need a come-to-Jesus moment and hits me with 5 page letter about believing in God to pull me through.
I’m frustrated because she can’t see that this is why I’m so damn private about everything.
Wow, this is my mom; are you my sister? I wouldn’t say me and my mother are polite strangers (more like old cordial acquaintances :)), but I do believe she wishes I would entrust her with more information about my life. She has expressed this in so many ways.
This past Thanksgiving was the first time I really talked about my pseudo-boyfriend in Seattle, and we’ve been seeing each for more than 2 years.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that my mom and I have too little in common anymore for me to ask advice of her, unless it’s medical in nature (she’s a nurse). She’s a proselytic wicca-heathe-pagan new-age adherent, whereas I’ve continually tried expressing to her my complete lack of interest in any sort of religious belief, and how tired I am of hearing about it. She doesn’t listen. So I stop communicating.
It’s life. Sad but true. Sometimes the apple falls far from the tree… other times the tree gets twisted up in self-congratulatory bullshit and the apple keeps inching slowly away until the distance is too far to be overcome by any means.
Amazing how that works, I had a woman refuse to see me anymore because I am an athiest and her church forbids her to have a relationship of any kind with me.
Never mind that her church has several other rules involving things like oral and premarital sex but those were ok to break, with me, on sunday morning. She never actually went to church that I know of in the 6-7 months we saw each other.
I have actually been asked by a woman who I had been making out with for the last 45 min, laying on my bed, both of us mostly naked, if I had “Accepted Jesus into my heart”. She turned out to be married. My irony meter exploded.
We have the same Mother. I haven’t had a deep or meaningful talk with her in years. Everyone else has, because they all totally agree and have the same mindset. I’m the blacksheep and still wet behind the ears.
Your mom does not want you to ACT happy. She wants you to BE happy, and you proved to her that you are not happy. What did you expect her to do with that information? Dogzilla gave you great advice. Since you clearly know how your mom responds to any discussion of your life’s “occasional imperfections,” just don’t go there. Talk about your relationships with your girlfriends, not your mom. You’re just setting her up.
Gee, I dunno. Listen? Ask questions to learn more? Share similar stories? Show support? Tell me that I’m a great daughter and that I have a lot of good things going on in my life and that’s she proud of me regardless of who I’m with or not? Instead of, I dunno, telling me to get on my knees and pray for God to give me a man as if I have terminal cancer, and dismissing my choice to be happy irrespective of my ultimate marital status, because apparently that is wrong for some reason?
Seek this from another source, or keep banging your head against this wall, the choice is yours.
She has clearly shown you who she is, you can accurately predict her response. Stop expecting her to be otherwise and accept that she is not going to change.
Why am I not enough for my parents, as I am?, is what you share with most everyone around you, don’t feel alone.
One of the tests of maturity is the ability to accept what we cannot change. Don’t you think it’s telling that you’re seeking acceptance from her, at the same time you struggle to accept who she is? It appears as though you don’t like her trying to change you, while you are trying to change her. Maybe looking at it as an exercise in giving what you want to get, will help.
Well, I’m not trying to change her. I just would like her to understand how her behavior affects my relationship with her. Because she hasn’t figured it out on her own. It seems the consensus here is to not bother pointing this out to her, and I’m open to this.
But do you really think the desire to have a better, more open relationship with my mother has anything to do with my maturity level? It seems like a pretty reasonable desire to me. Resigning myself to the fact that my mother will never understand me doesn’t strike me as any more mature than trying to foster that understanding. So I admit that your point about how this whole thing is “telling” is truly lost on me.
My suggestion is:
First let her know that you appreciate her efforts, that you understand she is trying in her own way to help you.
Second let her know it is having a opposite effect, driving you away from not just the message but her, and if she drives you away from her, how is the message and love she wishes you to receive going to get to you? Let her know you are doing this out of love for her (this in terms of faith is your ‘godself’ helping her in her faith)
Let her know she has stated her piece, and you have filed it away in it’s proper place and now is the time for her to live what she believes to the point that she is the example to you, not by words but by actions.
If she shines the light of Christ in her, through her Love for all people, that you will see it (this is according to standard Christian faith), and this doesn’t come with her trying to persuade you, but you wanting what she has. Ask your mother to pray that Jesus shines His light through her so that it will reach you to the point that you want to talk about what is going on in her life, and not the other way around.
Also ask her not to check up to see how you are doing, as that will have the opposite effect, but for her to trust God, and God alone for you finding Him (again pretty standard in Christian faith).
