How to get my mother to stop pushing faith on me or at least understand me?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Today I got home, checked my mail, and discovered a letter written to me by mother.

I won’t bore you with all the little details, but it was long (4.5 pages, written in long hand) and the take-home message was clear: “Whatever problems you have in life, I want you to know that if you just have faith in God, everything will be okay, ywtf!”

Now you may wondering what prompted this outpouring of proselytizing. I really am not sure. Actually, that is not completely true. The last phone conversation I had with her, I opened up about my love life–which is something I really don’t talk to anyone in my family about (not for any illicit/taboo reasons…I’m just kind of private like that, always have been). In this convo, I mentioned the challenges I’ve been having in finding someone compatible to date. Vented a little about behavioral problems I noticed in a lot of guys out who I’m not interested in rehabilitating (which it seems I’m always encouraged to do by people in my family…usually in subtle ways but annoying nonetheless). I also talked a little bit about a guy whom I’m in a long distance relationship with. We care about each other a lot, but the future is undetermined given the distance thing and our status is ill-defined. It also doesn’t help that my career isn’t exactly portable and he has attachments where he is.

So anyhoo, in this conversation she tries to impress upon me that if I just have faith in God, He will bless me with a man who is perfect for me. Which of course leads me to point out reality to her: plenty of people go their entire lives without finding anyone, let alone a perfect someone. A lot these people have faith too. Go to church every Sunday hoping and praying, but have no one to tuck them in at night. Should we just overlook the existence of these people in favor of focusing on special little me? Not surprisingly, she didn’t respond to this in any substantive way, just continued her refrain about faith.

Anyway I told her that I’m planning to be happy regardless of what happens. If I’m single 10, 20 , or 30 years from now, I will be okay. That is the thought I left her with when I ended the phone call. I could tell she seemed to be dissatisfied with my opinion. She does not want me to reject faith in favor of responding to reality. She needs me to believe God will deliver what I want.

And so now I get this letter, which beseeches me to be more open-minded about God and his grace and his power. She wants me to not be irritated at her advice about having faith in God. But it is extremely difficult not to be irritated when you’re trying to share a piece of your life with someone else and instead of communicating understanding and sympathy, they just respond with platitudes. And to me, “believe in God” is a nothing but a platitude. And it also seems she’s saying it’s wrong to accept the possibility that I could be single forever. Like, even accepting the very notion is like suicide ideation. Unthinkable, it is. I need to have faith that this most horrible of fates never comes true. Or else gasp it might. And her prophecy about my faithlessness will come true!

So now I really do not want to share with her anything less than rosy about my private life anymore, because I know she’s just going to see any problems in my life as evidence that I’m a wayward, faithless soul. Her way of relating to me probably helps explains why I hold back so much to my family and other people as well. I do not like to be judged or analyzed, and I don’t like feeling misunderstood. Often, this is what I feel like when I talk to my parents about anything deeper than the weather.

I want to call my mom to talk to her about this letter but I don’t know what to say. A part of me just wants to say “thank you” for her advice and let it go, but another part of me wants her to understand why “have faith in God” just doesn’t do it for me. I feel a desire to explain to her how this advice of hers (which has been her go-to advice for everything since I was a kid) makes me relunctant to open up with her. But I don’t want to hurt her feelings or make her feel like me being a godless heathen makes me hopeless and lost. Can anyone else relate?

Well at least I’ve vented. So that’s good.

2

If your mom is anything like mine, it aint gonna happen.

Nod and smile, thank her for her thoughts and prayers, and let the relationship drift into the nonspecific “everything’s fine here, thanks - how are you?” territory of casual acquaintance.

My mom is totally incapable of living or doing anything without involving faith and God and prayer.

For instance, my (totally non-Christian, Pagan-but-tending-toward-agnostic) husband of 3 years is (according to my mother) actually saved simply because she believes that he has been. Makes no difference that he isn’t interested at all, and she knows that he wasn’t even raised with a knowledge of the church - she decided that he was saved, and now he’s a Christian. Voila!

Nothing can shake that kind of faith, and it won’t make you any happier to try.

For me, it’s easier to avoid her and keep to basics and let her think that we’re happy Christian peoples. If she wanted to open her eyes and notice, I think she’d realize fairly quickly that we weren’t, but as noted above, she’s not really into rational judgment processes.

I wish I had a way to make her able to accept me (and reality) as we really are, but I’ve tried for decades now, and it’s not going to change. All I can do is try to to not let it detract from our relationship as much as possible.

3

“Mom, I don’t want to talk about this with God, I want to talk about it with you!”

I used a variation of this with my father once and stopped him in his tracks. He then proceeded to drop the platitudes and actually talk to me.

4

Much better than my “Where in the Bible does God promise to give you a boyfriend/husband?”

I’m a Christian, and even I get that crap from some people–luckily, not from my parents.

5

She will never understand you. When she dies she will stop harping on God.

This is based on my personal experience with my mom, who did the exact same thing the very few times I ever tried to talk to her about my relationship woes. At least it was a learning experience – the lesson learned was “don’t discuss anything important with mom”.

6

I finally just had to tell my Mom straight out: “Bugging me about your god and your church isn’t going to make me a believer, it’s just going to make me avoid talking to you.” That’s paraphrased I’m sure, I don’t remember my exact words, but that was the point.

I do remember, in the same conversation, bringing up a phrase she’d said to my siblings and I for as long as I can remember. She’d say it if we wanted a candy bar she wouldn’t buy, or wanted to go to a party she wouldn’t allow. It was her mantra. It went like this: “The longer you bug me, the longer you’ll wait.” That’s not paraphrased. When I actually turned those specific words around on her, while I don’t think it loosened her resolve much, she has laid off a bit.

My advice is to just tell her. You don’t want to hear it. If you keep hearing it, you’ll quit giving her the oppurtunity to say it. Sounds cold, I guess, but I imagine you wouldn’t associate with anyone else pushing their beliefs on you, being your mom doesn’t give her a pass.

I laid it out to my Mom about 3 years ago. She still writes “God bless you” on my birthday cards, still mumbles “God Provides” anytime I share a bit of good fortune with her, but she’s long since quit trying to save me. When she comes to town, I make sure she has a Mass to go to and a way to get there, but she no longer expects me to attend.

So, I say, just tell her. It’s going to screw your relationship if she doesn’t stop, so let her know that. Then, she can make an informed decision.

I wish you luck!

7

Naturally. She wants grandchildren.

8

She well might, but to be fair to the OP’s mother, many parents just want their children to be happy, and think that being in a good relationship is a route to that happiness.

9

But if she just wants me to happy, why can’t she accept my choice to be happy regardless of my marital status? A good relationship is a route to happiness, but it’s not the only route. Its seems she would rather me kneel all night praying and pleading for God to give me a man, getting by on hope of a better tomorrow or something, rather than just living life in the now and finding pleasure in the present. I’m not giving up on finding someone; I’m just not making happiness contingent on that. This approach doesn’t sound all that bad for a 33 year-old woman to take, but it’s apparently so bad that it has prompted her to initiate an intervention.

And yeah, she wants grandkids. But since she already has four of them, it’s not like she doesn’t already. I don’t see the selfish desire for more grandkids as a justification for cramming faith down my throat. It’s like she’s trying to make me feel bad for being single so that I’ll petition the spiritual world to change it.

Thanks for the suggestions, everyone. I can tell some of yall have similiar mothers. She has frequently asked why I’m such a private person, and you would think she would have figured this out already. It’s time to spell it out to her in a way that she understands.

10

I have no idea if this is a factor or not, but there are some people in this world who simply can’t understand that a woman can be happy without producing children. I encounter it myself - I’ve been married 20 years, children are not going to happen because my husband is sterile, and yet there are people who just can’t comprehend that I am happy despite the lack of little pattering feet in the house.

I’m with you - I decided my life could be happy with or without a partner, with or without children. Not everyone understands that.

11

Only you can know if your mother will listen or not. My mother never would, and she died still wishing I would come back to her god.

And I’ve been told to my face that a woman only becomes a real woman after having children; that it’s the ultimate fulfillment of personality. I don’t believe that, not even for mothers who love being mothers and find real joy in it. They were women before they had the kids. Perhaps the kids did open up their minds and bring enlightenment (or whatever), but it didn’t make them women.

If your mother won’t come around, you will have to be prepared to be in the position that many of us adult women are in or have been in - we are not friends with our mothers, not even as adults. I am very sad about this. I envy my friends who have wonderful relationships with their mothers and look forward to seeing them - my mother and I never changed the relationship of “mother-daughter” to “adult family members who love and respect one another”. You may end up in that situation, and if so, you will have to somehow deal with it.

Good luck.

12

Your mom sounds like my grandma. When I was younger, I fought back, but I’ve realized now that I’ve got to be the bigger person or we’re going to fight all our lives. She still makes with the Jesus-talk, and I either say something noncommittal or change the subject.

My mom’s getting more religious all the time, and I do still put up resistance with her because otherwise she’ll turn out like Grandma. Besides, she is still a bit reasonable and we can have discussions without all the drama.

13

“Just have faith in God” is Christian code for “lower your standards.” Which may be good advice, I don’t know. Just go out with guys you would normally not even consider, as long as they claim to be Christians, and God will fix any defects they may have. She probably sees guys at church all the time that are pleasant, friendly, well dressed and who display no abnormal behavior. She doesn’t see them the other 6.9 days of the week of course but at least they manage to present themselves well for one hour a week.

14

If I ever find a way to stop my mother from saying to Middlebro or me “I think Littlebro is cold” (meaning, he’s not going to Mass as often as she’d like) which does not involve matricide I’ll let you know. My standard answer is “I imagine he’s about 36.5ºC, actually” and I refuse to talk about it any further. I gave her that answer just last week in front of Middlebro and by the grin he gave me, he’s totally going to steal it.

I was able to get her to stop talking to each of us about our beliefs and practices directly, but God help me, the woman just doesn’t understand that we’re separate people and not some sort of extensions of her.

15

She’s not going to change, if anything, she’s going to get worse. Stop expecting it to be otherwise and accept this is how it will be.

Were I you, I’d just ignore it, as you would if it was originating from a stranger. When she brings it up, just smile, remain silent, do not engage, change the subject. If she just won’t stop, get off the phone, or out of the house, on any pretext you can dream up. As in, ‘Well, it’s been fun, but I have to run, love you, bye.’

Repeat as required. And repeat, and repeat.

Even devout bible thumpers eventually get it. If she was making outrageously nasty racial slurs, you’d engage her, try to sway her, reason her out of her bigotry, only so many times. Then you’d just accept that it’s who she is and not expect anything else. And you’d remove yourself from her presence when she started in on it.

Your problem is you can’t accept that this is who she is and that it’s not going to change. Once you get right with that it will all get easier.

Good luck to you, I know it’s a very challenging situation to be in.

16

You know the Serenity Prayer?-- “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” I would say this is a case that calls for wisdom followed by serenity. I honestly doubt that you will ever persuade your mother to see it from your perspective. If you try, I believe the results will be friction and frustration. Establish whatever boundaries you find necessary, then develop a plan to ignore/redirect conversation on these subjects.

17

Without reading any replies:

I’ve had the exact same experience. I am 41, female, never married, no kids. My parents are mormon and simply cannot conceive a world in which a woman not only doesn’t want marriage and children, but who is perfectly happy to be independent and self-sufficient. I have tried to explain that I have set myself up with an education and a solid professional career track, I own my home, I am investing for my retirement, and sex is easy to come by. (Pun not intended. ;)) I see no need for a partner in life and I feel no need for anyone else to take care of me.

After you have that conversation, then the accusations questioning your sexual orientation begin. I don’t want to get married, so that must mean I’m a lesbian. Again, my parents cannot think of any other reason why it might not be all that important to someone to hurry up and find a husband… unless she’s gay. Cue roll eyes.

I just stopped talking to them about my love life. I don’t mention it at all. If anything, I mention that I went to go do something and “a friend” may or may not have gone with me. Once, my stepmonster had the temerity to ask “Don’t you even date anymore?” I looked her dead in the eye and said, “Look, I don’t think it’s necessary to call you up and report every drunken hookup that happens. If it’s serious, I’ll tell you about it. But for now, you can assume that I have plenty of dates with eligible straight men and I enjoy their company. If it was important to me to get married and have babies, I would have taken steps to ensure that would happen by now.”

Now, if they ask some boundary-crossing question, I just say, “When it’s serious, you’ll know about it. Until then, it’s none of your business.” I’ve only had to do that a couple of times and soon the boundary was crystal clear.

I am also prepared with this one: My religion, or lack thereof as the case may be, is as personal and private to me as my sex life. I do not want to hear about your sex life or your religion and I am not going to tell you about mine.

Just ignore all the “pray and have faith” advice. Let it go in one ear and out the other… after you set the boundary that the topic is off the table because it’s private and personal. Sometimes, if I’m feeling a little salty, I’ll fight fire with fire and start quoting scriptures and point out that (as far as we know – and based upon my parents’ belief system) Jesus wasn’t married and didn’t have kids either. The only person in the Bible who calls for marriage is Paul. It’s not a commandment and Jesus didn’t say fuck all about how you HAVE to get married to be saved (or exalted, or whatever term your religion uses). It’s not in there! That opens up another can of worms, because in the mormon belief system, if it isn’t in the Bible, it might be in the Book of Mormon, so that exposes my apostasy as a former mormon.

Anyway, my whole point is to set very clear boundaries around whatever topics you don’t wish to discuss with your mom and leave it at that. Respect her belief system and she may come around to respect yours.

18

I’ve been an atheist since sometime during college, and my mom still does the same thing. ‘Why don’t you just try praying?’ ‘Where did you go so wrong to turn your back on god?’ ‘What did I do wrong raising you?’ She isn’t interested in arguing about anything, she just wants me to believe the same thing she does. She won’t even discuss the Bible cuz she ‘just listens to what the priest says on Sunday.’

Just smile and nod, and try to keep the drama down, it’s all you can really do.

19

My mom is not too bad about this. I do have a friend though whose mother, when on her deathbed, asked her to promise that she would return to the Church. She said no way.

By the way, Ads by Google scores another home run!

20

Tell her:

*"No way! I’ve been down that path once already. I asked really nicely to be introduced to Jesus, because with the beard he’s got that scruffy, beatnik look which is kind of cute (not much of an ass though).

The sex was great! But then he never called, never answered my messages. I started hanging out in front of the church, because someone told me he works there and I might bump into him. But he must be ducking out the back trying to avoid me because I never ever see him. Worst, Hook-up. Ever."*