How to kill evil Nazi Groundhogs

Factual Questions
121

You want “electric chair” type results? Make the mousetrap with plastic tubing and for electrodes use machine screws in opposite sides of the pipe. For the power supply, I used the “stinger” out of a retired bug light.
The mice would crawl up the tubing to the top of a bucket, where the tube would angle down into the bucket and the electrodes would be at that point.
Mouse runs up the tube after smelling some delicious peanut butter. Mouse hits electrodes and fries. Mouse falls out of downward sloping tube into bucket. Wait for next “pore liddle mouse”.
The thing worked great till the neighbors cat stuck his paw into the wrong end of the tube. Killed cat, incinerated paw. Caused a terrible stink(from cat AND neighbors)!

FixedBack

“Misers get up early in the morning; and burglars, I am informed, get up the night before.”~~*G.K.Chesterton *

122

This is the funniest serious thing I’ve ever read, altho sunbear’s onion stories run a close second.

Do you think you might take a second look at using dogs to help with this problem? I know yours are now considered sissies, but I bet they would really like a chance to redeem themselves. Maybe if they had a couple extra compadres to help them, they could do it.

We have some acreage also, but we have 6 dogs. By crackie, they will nail anything that moves out there. They are all mixed breed rescued strays, nothing alarming in there like pit bulls or such, and wouldn’t harm a human other than the occasional knock-em-down-and-lick-their-face stuff, but they are hell on wheels when it comes to other animals on their turf.

They will spend hours digging out any kind of burrowing animals, and the teamwork they display in dispatching said animals is truly amazing. We don’t encourage it, as we don’t farm our land, but they seem to just do it naturally.

Anyway, it is just a thought, and something that wouldn’t be environmentally harmful. If nothing else, they might make the nazis’ lives so miserable that they would move to your neighbors’ fields. The only problem I could foresee would be the possibility of them bothering the horses and I don’t know what the likelihood of that would be.

See any merit in this idea?

123

OK, about dogs…

My dad had dogs. My dad had 'hogs. The ‘hogs tore the dogs new buttholes on a pretty regular basis. Admittedly the dogs’ only stab at anything resembling teamwork occurred mainly at dinnertime…

My cousin had a dog that actually WAS effective against 'hogs, but this pooch was smarter than your average, uh, dog…

Bruno was a BIG German shepherd with a nasty temper and a mind (and mouth!) like a steel trap. As I mentioned in an earlier post, Bruno did his magic in “stealth mode.”

A little background…

Around here, groundhogs generally construct their burrows with two entrances – one is the “main” hole, and the other is sort of an “emergency escape” hole, seldom used. The main hole has a definite orientation, that is to say that it faces a particular direction, and the 'hog will emerge facing the same way 99 times out of 100. Typically, the main hole is backed by some structure that affords the 'hog a sense of safety from behind: a tree, bush, building, fencerow, etc.

Bruno had the unerring ability to “read” a groundhog’s hole and determine which way the 'hog would be facing when he came up for fresh air. In his patented “stealth mode,” Bruno would position himself “behind” the hole, looking down, and stand utterly stock still and silent, waiting. Sooner or later, the 'hog would poke his head out – looking the wrong way – and Bruno would reach down, clamp his jaws around the 'hog’s head, snatch him out of the hole, and calmly walk away with the frantically struggling but helpless marmot dangling in a most undignified manner from his mouth. I never followed Bruno and prey to see the inevitable conclusion, but I bet it wasn’t pretty.

In general, though, most dogs are pretty useless against 'hogs, particularly in a one-on-one confrontation. For one thing, the 'hog has the most to lose, knows it, and fights accordingly. For another, an adult 'hog’s incisors, though designed for laying waste to vegetation, are easily large enough and powerful enough to REMOVE a dog’s foot.

As for my six-pack mousetrap, I dunno. It’d take a BIG one to work on hogs and, as someone pointed out, a mighty long extension cord. My preference is still lead, administered in small doses at high velocity. :wink:

I don’t know why fortune smiles on some and lets the rest go free…

T

124

OMG I am cracking up here! I shouldn’t laugh because I realize these groundhog/gophers are terrorizing your field and tormenting you day in and day out. While I have much bigger problems like coyotes, mountain lions, wolves and grizzly bears tormenting me (they are eating all my cats!) I can certainly empathize with your war against the rodents!

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125

This thread has been absolutely hilarious, and I just couldn’t let it die without asking - Scylla, have you tried any of the above suggestions yet? Has anything worked? Any more funny stories to relate regarding your recent efforts?

“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” - Anne Frank

126

Suggestion–

Is there such a thing a contraceptives for groundhogs.

Guess this is bound to raise a few eyebrows ,but seriously folks ,food laced with contraceptive agents is used for other species very effectively.

It is used for foxes but they are scavengers and are not fussy what they eat ,it has been done with badgers too.

I don’t know if the use of pheromones would be effective but ,hey ,you might be able to save on half your ammo!

127

Well we’ll see what the folks over at Contraception Advisory Group Discussion Forum where I started a thread entitled “Marmota monax (woodchuck) contraception feasability”.

It looks like there is a slow response time over there so don’t expect to see any replies for at least a day or two. It also looks like they deal with a more exotic species cliental.

128
  1. Live-trap a groundhog.
  2. Set up recording device.
  3. Find former Salvadoran Army manual.
  4. Torture hog.
  5. Record sounds.
  6. Replay at loud volume through small speakers strategically placed around colony.
  7. Hunt stragglers.
129

Hey, you’re the man to help
so here’s some help for ya.
<ol><li>
Have you tried <i>electrocution</i>?
My thought is, if they chew on
roots, well, put some wires in
that look like roots. Just
make sure you use a fuse-box.
<li>
Another idea: <b>sound</b>. All mammals
have sounds they like and
dislike. Dogs for instance
hate a certain high-pitch
sound that humans don’t hear.
Do the gophers dislike
a sound of a given frequency? Do some
research.
If they do, and if it’s inaudible
then just play it 24 hours.
Whenever they come up for air
they’d jump back under again.
Over time, in theory, they might
just go away.
</ol>
Hope this helps!

130

Now, I’m just a city boy from Long Island here so be patient with me, I’m not a farmer by trade or descent. A freind of mine and I discussed a similar problem, that of killing fire ants which are just as useless and evil as groundhogs. We considered flooding the nests with liquid nitrogen. We also considered using liquid oxygen and throwing a match (or setting it off via electric).

I agree gasoline was probably not a great idea, back there at the beginning of the thread, but would a slower-burning liquid work? Suppose one mixed 20% gas, 80% kerosene? Setting fire to all the holes at the same time ought to cut off escape and burn up all the O2 underground. I don’t know groundhog digging habits, but you might even be able to pressure-spray the mixture up the holes, or use an irrigation hose to get the mixture further into the nests…

131

This is true story and not a drug induced memory from a viewing of “Caddy Shack.”

About fifteen years back I was a caddy at a private club. We had our share of ground grizzlies on the course, and they would spend their evenings sunning in the fairways. One morning I nearly stepped on a recently deceased critter, and a closer inspection showed a Titleist embedded in its skull.

It may be a rather inefficient manner to rid such a plague, but it was obviously effective.

I watched my head rolling on the floor. It landed face up and a big tear came out of one eye. --Shirley MacLaine

132

Nazi groundhogs aren’t really evil, there more sorta chaotic-neutral.

Except for the undead variety, of course.

133

Douglips may be a genius. Has anybody else heard anything about this mythical Hog-sucker?**
[/QUOTE]

yeah, its true. TDC or TLC had something about it recently. the guy sucks the varmints out of their holes and apparently exports most of them to asia where they are sold as pets, if you can believe
such a thing.

HaVe a GreaTFuL DaY…

134

Ok this is how we do it in Kentucky: get a high powered rifle (I use a 30-30) and just blow the SOB’s head off. I’ve killed many a groundhog this way. Usually they’ll leave their hole to go and get some food, this where you make your move. Wait until they’re around thirty feet from their hole; forget about stealth, just aim and squeeze off a round or two. Hope this helps.

135

Oh my Ground Grizzlys.

One question. What are your neibours growing as compared to you? It may well be they are growing something less savory to "lil dirt bastards than you are.They may be doing this knowing you have created a F***ing furball shangri-la and helped their vermin relocate to you lands.

From my own personal experience you have only two real choices.

  1. Exaust fumes.
    Cover the holes, drop the hose in, crank the vehicle(s) go fishing.
    2)Invite all your friend here to come camping for a weekend. Supply beer, food a few tents and lots of Ammo.
    Option 1 will work, after a few applications.
    Option 2 might not work but I promise it will be a weekend you will remember.

Oh your from Wales?? Do you know a fella named Jonah?? He used to live in whales for a while.

136

Hey, I guess no one noticed but it has been about 3 months since this thread’s OP. Do we have a verdict on what method worked the best, or is there still an infestation?? (sp?) I am truly curious to see what the results are of this little experiment. It has also been a blast to read.

-N

137

Well, you won’t like this, Scylla (Scylla? Scylla’s a guy?)–but maybe you can’t win this one. It may be beyond your power or authority to eliminate your groundhog population.

But you just need to adjust your worldview to accept that that’s OK.

Ever see Twilight of the Cockroaches? The following assertion is made in that movie: From the cockroaches’ point of view, the human race was created to provide a series of trials, the overcoming of which would strengthen the cockroach race.

What can we learn from this? If you just revise your point of view to one closer to the groundhogs’ own, you may come to understand that to them, you are something like a mythical dragon of old. You are a large monster with terrible guns who hunts them, and the woodchucks who survive and endure in the face of this are the heroes of their marmot race. Songs in the woodchuck language will be composed about their courage, and if one of these four-legged Beowulfs manages to kill a dog, or even a man, he will be exalted to a place of high honor in their legends–the Woodchuck Eddas, presumably. It is a noble thing, the woodchuck’s fight, even if it is against you, alsmith.

(Moment of Silence)

Then again, being considered the woodchuck equivalent of Grendel doesn’t necessarily cheer a man up. But hey! That’s only if one manages to get into your house and kill you. You’ll be like one of those other monsters, that the mythic heroes didn’t kill. Let’s see, there were a couple: Charybdis and …?

138

Well, it’s gotta be a hell of a topic when people are registering just to reply.

Serious suggestions:

Have you considered poisoning food with antifreeze? It supposedly tastes just like kool-aid, at least enough to fool several cats, dogs, and small children a year. Maybe it’ll be good enough to fool your 'hogs.

Also, there are several kinds of mole trap that work by impaling the mole when it disturbs the trigger. Maybe you could use the same basic idea, placed at the entrance of the warren?

Not-so-serious:

Use several air compressors to blow out the warrens. Practice your skeet-shooting as the little bastids come flying out.

Poison smoke and water didn’t work? Why not try some nitrous oxide? It’d make the little gigglers easier to shoot, anyway.

During the winter, when they hibernate, buy a large, large, large amount of Ping-Pong balls. Use a leafblower to blow them all in there. Hopefully, when they wake up, it’ll be too packed for them to dig and they’ll starve.

For better or worse, them’s my suggestions,

P.S.: foolsguinea-- Scylla isn’t the monster. Scylla is the rock. On his good days, anyway.

139

How is it I’m just coming across this utopia of hilarity? Quite possibly the funniest thread I’ve read, up there with Cecils “piss shiver” and “circus peanuts” columns. alsmith/Scylla, I can’t put into words how highly I regard you at the moment, you are now on my list of posters who’s comments must always be read.

Anyways, I think the solution has been presented. I have the method of implimenting it.

Entitled: Doperfest PA - Ground Grizzly Genocide
[ul][li]Post thread inviting all dopers to spend a weekend night at your abode.[/li][li]Select warm Summer evening for the event.[/li][li]Dopers arrive em masse[/li][li]Supplies: 2 puckup trucks, beer, ice, grill, comfortable chair, junk food[/li][li]In front 3/4 of truck one’s bed line with plasic and partition off, fill with copious amounts of beer and liquor and ice.[/li][li]Place cooler full of food, grill, hose, and ammo in the remaining 1/4 of bed.[/li][li]In second truck bed, load with eager Dopers armed with rifles and cameras and comfortable chairs.[/li][li]Drive out to field and set up camp, begin drinking and shooting nazi ground hogs.[/li][li]One group of individuals sweep the field plugging all GH holes, scaring them to the target main hole.[/li][li]When sun sets, or ammo is exhausted plug any other holes except 2 opposite holes[/li][li]Build large bon-fire near hole #1[/li][li]Place hoses over two trucks exhausts and seal around hole #2[/li][li]Start trucks, turn up radio.[/li][li]Assemble dopers around bonfire.[/li][li]Dance, drink, and debauch[/li][li]Camp out[/li][li]Wake up, vomit, start drinking[/li][li]Hike back to house and get gas for trucks[/li][li]Wake passed out Dopers and load into trucks for drive home.[/li][li]Develop film, post on internet and make millions for the patented GH exterminating service[/ul][/li]
Whatya think? I’m in!

140

Once I was hunting a wabbit, and I couldn’t catch the wabbit, so I dwessed up as a pwitty pwitty wady wabbit,and the wabbit became awoused, and I caught the wabbit, and I put him in a wittle pit in my basement, and after awhile I skinned him, and sometimes, wate at night, I dwess up wike a pwitty wady wabbit, and I wook at myself in the miwwow, and I’m a pwitty pwitty wabbit.

You should dwess wike a gwoundhog. A pwitty gwoundhog.