Why not just plant the stuff and let them eat the marijuana ? Ummm, you might be able to sell the excess. The groundhogs will keep the cops, and their dogs, from confiscating the evidence. Of course if they’re eating the marijuana that might lower their fighting intensity. You might want to start breeding a more aggresive woodchuck. I suppose you could interplant some alfalfa instead but that would take valuable space from the marijuana plants. It’s tough being a farmer nowadays.
I couldn’t get through the entire post, entertaining as it was, so I don’t know if this has been suggested but here goes.
Have you tried coyote (or other predator) urine? I know that they are starting to use that here in Washington (State) to scare away pests. I can see how this might not work on Groundhogs especially considering the size of the infestation and the critters, but I thought it might be a good idea.
I know you are thinking: “where can I get coyote urine?” I haven’t the faintest idea. It’s possible that you might be able to buy some from pest control type people, however I have no idea if this is true or if there is even a way to obtain it besides finding a coyote and waiting for it to pee.
I also don’t know if it works on groundhogs. I leave the research to other people with more time on their hands.
Who knows? Those little weinermutts might work.
All I know is I grew up with a dog that was a German shepherd/Norwegian elkhound cross that had absolutely no fear of any living thing. This same dog damn near killed a 300 lb boar pig before the farmer and I dragged him off the screaming porker.
It took a woodchuck to teach him a lesson. Colonel (my dog) was chawed from end to end. He did manage to kill the 'chuck, but he left them alone after that. This is the same dog that managed to eviscerate a porcupine! (and got to visit the vet to have about a hundred quills removed from his face)
I’m really curious to see how your groundhog extermination exercise goes this weekend.
This is getting hard. Somebody relieve me. (A Wallian exclamation)
Scylla,
Read the entire thread. Very amusing. Look my boyfriend the probation officer said he would gladly loan you the use of 90 or so of his current felon clients. If you do choose the doper route, e-mail me and we’ll truck them up to you for the great gopher be gone of 2000. He also wishes me to relay that if several are mortally wounded during the massacre, he will not hold you accountable but will send you a gracious thank you note for thinning out his case load.
Good luck with your weekend mission. As a neighbor in WV, we’re relying on you to keep the ground grizzlies up north instead of sending them our way.
Once again, good luck and God speed.
In the Pacific Northwest we have a similar creature called a mountain beaver. It looks a lot like a groundhog, is about the same size, has similar habits, but it is rather more stupid and not nearly as vicious. They are very destructive and their holes are dangerous. Unlike groundhogs, mountain beavers can climb trees. (No one knows why they are called mountain beavers: they don’t look anything like a beaver, and they don’t live in the mountains. Go figure. I know of one encyclopedia that refers to the animal as a sewellel, but only an effete intellectual snob would use a word like that.)
Anyway, a typical mountain beaver tunnel system can reach more than 30 feet in depth and cover an area several hundred yards across. These creatures frequently dig new exits. They also collect round rocks, colloquially known as “mountain beaver baseballs” to plug up unused or dangerous sections of their tunnels. Any mountain beaver will have a large collection of these rocks on hand for emergencies. If you try to gas them, they will seal off the tunnel where the gas is coming in. I suspect groundhogs would do the same, since they have to be smarter than mountain beavers.
I finally eradicated mountain beavers from my property entirely. I got about a half dozen leaf blowers, the kind that exhaust out the blower nozzle. I also got several smoke bombs. I sealed off no holes, since I figured that any self-respecting mountain beaver could make a new hole in seconds anyway. Instead, I stuck a leaf blower in one hole. I watched for exhaust gas exiting any other hole and threw a smoke bomb in there or another leaf blower. I kept this up for several hours. Once all the initial holes were plugged with noxious fumes, I waited. As soon as smoke began appearing in a new spot, I went over there. If a mountain beaver made an appearance, I killed it on the spot and plugged the hole. After I got six mountain beavers this way, I waited a few more hours before turning off the leaf blowers.
I didn’t see another mountain beaver for years.
Flooding them out might work, especially if you dropped M-80 firecrackers in the flooded holes. Water carries a shock wave quite well. But closing off the other holes will simply trap air spaces in the tunnel network, giving the occupants a place to escape to.
I tried using ferrets to chase the mountain beavers out, but the ferrets all mysteriously disappeared. The mountain beavers were not at all intimidated by predator urine.
Mountain beavers especially seem to love blueberry bushes. They will bite the bush off at its base with their inch-long teeth and carry the whole bush back to their tunnel. The whole effect is of watching a blueberry bush wander across the yard and then plant itself in a mountain beaver hole as the stupid animal tries to drag the whole bush inside. Did I say they were not very bright? The whole thing would be very comical if it didn’t take a minimum of five years to get a decent sized blueberry bush. At least they won’t eat rhododendrons or azaleas; these must be poisonous to mountain beavers.
Al, it looks to me like the only course of action that will yield true results would be selling your farm to Cargill or some other faceless corporate giant, milking the suckers for all they’re worth, and moving as far away from the farm as you possibly can!
“A witty phrase proves nothing.” -Voltaire
Groundhogs? Though a city slicker, I did live in a Civil War-era farmhouse for a year while in college. We rented the house from a farmer who encouraged us to shoot the little bastards. He told me he messed up his tractor pretty badly after one of the front wheels ran over a woodchuck hole.
I have experienced the .22’s lack of effectiveness against these little beasties. Unless you score a head shot, they scamper off and live to terrorize you at a later date. Woodchucks aren’t invincible, though. 12-gauges work nicely. Use slugs. The last one I shot had its head neatly taken off. Sure, it’s tough to control the population by killing them one at a time, but you can’t do much better unless you can somehow gain access to military hardware (claymores?).
How about a soil aerator? Maybe a few laps around the alfalfa field would skewer enough of them to make a difference.
OK, this is not slightly non-apropos, but related, I spose.
From the “US Army Survival Manual FM 21-76”
(reprint of the Army Field Manual)
Page 7-26 (Using Wildlife for Food)
-Groundhogs/woodchucks/marmots – Place a doubled-wire snare (figure 7-23) at the animal’s hole so that you can sanre it entering or leaving its hole. Or, you can dig the animal out of its hole and hit it with a club or a rock. In digging out, when you get close to the animal, you can sometimes insert a belt with buckle or loop, which the animal will bite and hold onto. You can then pull it out. If you find the animal in the open, run it down; when it turns to fight, club or drop-kick it.
Gotta love the Army.
“US Army Survival Manual.” Dorset Press, 1994.
Did you try contacting the manufacturer of the poisenous smoke bombs? They might like the challenge and could use your plight as a case study/marketing campaign.
My daughter, who is an unbearable vegetarian and animal lover (hope you’re not reading this, sweetheart) adopted an orphaned woodchuck last year. He stayed with us for about four months until he took up residence under the house and began to incorporate phone wires into his diet, at which point we were forced to turn him loose (in a pasture, near a creek, and early enough in the year to assure him time to find a new apartment before winter). Actually, he was a lovable little critter and I wish him well.
Two things come to mind that may help you, one is Milk-Duds, he went crazy over them. As bait, I can’t think of anything better (Friskies dog food runs a close second). The second thing I will always remember is how horny the little bugger was, his leg-humping would put any dog to shame, the harder you smacked him away, the more agressively he came back. He also had a tendency to chew your leg as he made love to it (he never drew blood but he nibbled hard enough to get kicked across the room a few times).
So I’m thinking… maybe if you hire a few school kids to walk through your fields with their pant-legs rolled up and a box of milk duds in one hand and a ball-bat in the other you might just end this once and for all, please…don’t thank me, I live to serve.
christophercampbell wrote:
What makes you think groundhogs can’t climb? We found one up a tree in our back yard one morning when I was a kid. He looked like it had been a rough night, and we assumed he was chased up the tree by a dog or other predator. (He was shaking, and looked really tired.) After resting in the tree for most of the morning, he eventually climbed down and wandered off.
Wow… how about…
Biological warfare.
What you need is a specially designed virus that attacks only groundhogs. Somewhere in the vast wasteland of government research this information must exist.
Realistically though I think shooting them is your best option. Now to get past the whole problem with them being alert to the danger associated with the crack of your rifle I would suggest working in pairs. Now your partner is of your own choosing. Remember a high powered rifle will allow you to sit some distance from the varmints.(Atop a grassy knoll…) Your partner could be a young lady to help you while away the time between shots with her feminine charms(Not to young though…otherwise Mark Chmura will start showing up and you’ll have a whole new set of problems). Anyway… another choice for a partner might be a buddy who like sports. You could rig up the game on a Saturday or Sunday, set up lawn chairs, a grill, the rifles and a spotting scope. Working in pairs also affords you the option of going for doubles where you both nail one of the little buggers. Ready 1, 2, 3 BANG!
Either way it’s a win/win situation. Nazi Groundhogs die and you get laid or Nazi Groundhogs die and you catch the game and have a good meal. I can think of worse things to do on a Saturday.
I would think that you would be able to find some neighbors and such from the area that just enjoy sharpening their shooting skills on some groundhogs. They get ready for deer season and you get rid of a nuisance. Personally the $5 tag seems high to me. I would think you could find some kid that would do it for $2 each. Hell, if you were closer I would do it for free.
Anything to keep the world safe for democracy!!
I would build them some condos – set up a huge mound of dirt with one-way glass windows so you can see in. Of course they wouldn’t all move in, but the ones that did would be easily observed. That way you could study them, learn their weaknesses. You have to keep the enemy close.
Of course I don’t know how they would react to one-way mirrors but it would be fun to try.
Going back a couple pages on this long, very entertaining thread, I believe I have the KEY to the problem. It was stated that the property may be on some sort of Groundhog Mecca, I got to thinking. “If you build it, he will come.”
Instead of ridding the land of the little sh**s, entice them to come. Hell, your neighbors will be grateful. Then, when you have a few thousand or so, set up some bleachers, maybe a snackbar, and sell T-shirts!
“People will come, people will most definitely come!”
Seeing as these are Nazi groundhogs and you currently stand alone in defiance of this horrible menace, history tells us you must isolate yourself (like England) until you can convince your Allies to come to your aid. So:
-
Dig a moat around any of your territory that has not yet succumb to the evil groundhogs. Snipe at any interlopers who try an amphibious assault.
-
Make appeals to your larger, richer neighbors for funds and armaments, lest they be overcome as well. Of course, you will not be able stem the tide, and the groundhogs will foolishly run rampant over your neighbors’ land to the East. Pigeons in league with the groundhogs will attack your neighbors in the West, and they will be forced into the conflict as well.
-
Your neighbors finally declare war on the Nazi’s. The large neighbor to the East will grind out a massive ground offensive, and occasionally stop to wipe out a few of their own family members suspected of aiding the Nazi’s. Meanwhile, your neighbor from the West will colloborate with you on an amphibious landing across your moat.
-
Assign Patton a tank division and watch the little suckers go squish under the treads. Then go nuke the pigeons, and it’s Miller time!
It is the eve of battle. Rather than respond individually to the mass of much appreciated suggestions on an individual basis. Let me tell you exactly where I stand, and what I plan.
I appreciate all the time and effort that has been addressed in the recent replies, however I feel that in case I should fall in battle this weekend, it is important that the knowledge I have be shared so that another may come to avenge me.
I guess the best place to begin is with my wife’s phone call to me last week.
“The horse are being attacked by a Bobcat! Help!”
Well, I rushed home and of course there was no Bobcat in evidence. “Bobcat’s are extinct in PA you know, are you sure that’s what you saw?” I asked in my best condescending manner.
My wife described a weird catlike creature, tall and lanky with little or no fur, and tufts on it’s legs. It entered the horse field chased the three horses who were terrified, and then exited into the woods.
“Yeah right, probably a wild poodle, or the neighbors housecat.” (It’s important to note that my wife, though highly intelligent, has an active imagination. She thinks Gone With THe Wind is a true story, and cries when she watches the Lifetime movie network) Anyway, I dismissed her sighting.
Last Saturday while mowing the grass, I observed a Bobcat enter the horse field and chase the horses who ran in terror. “Holy Crap!” I ran to the house grabbed my binoculars and again observed what appeared to be a Bobcat chasing the horses through the field.
I again ran to the house got my bullbarrel .223 with bipod, 18x scope and a bunch of ammo, and set off to ambush the creature. It had by then exited the horse field and set to aimlessly fidgetting by the edge of the woods.
As the expert marksman that I am, I carefully loaded my weapon set up the bipod and sighted on the hideous creature. I missed. The bullet landed behind the “Bobcat,” who noting the impact ran in the opposite direction (towards me.) I fired again, and missed. Again. Miss.
By now the “Bobcat” had adjusted his trajectory and ran tangentially towards me about 30 yards off. Again, I shot. Hit. Center mass. It ran in a circle three times or so and took off over a hill.
One of my dogs, by the name of Bear caught wind of this activity and took off after the creature.
As I cleared the hill I could hear Bear yiping. I saw the vicious creature hissing and chasing my dog, who was now fleeing in panic. The creature had a hole the size of a softball in its gut but didn’t seem to care as it chased my dog.
Suddenly it dove into a groundhog hole.
I finally got a good look at it as it peered at me malevolently over the edge.
It was a bald fox (probably fascist and most definitely evil.) Maybe it was sick, or maybe it had rabies, I don’t know. I shot it in the head, poured gas and oil over it and buried it with the skid loader.
I take this as an ominous sign. I am not comforted by the fact that it sought refuge in a groundhog hole. Perhaps it is in league with the marmots? Is some kind of Axis being formed? Was it’s horrible condition and ferocity testament to evil experiments by perverted groundhog scientists who had captured and tortured it earlier?
I fear the worst.
I checked the gum I set out in January (couldn’t find it,) and set out more Wrigleys last Sunday in some of the holes that showed evidence of habitation. This gum was untouched. I found every piece (still tasty though. 
)
I must conclude that the Wrigleys defense upon which I had pinned so many hopes is nothing more than a fraudulent myth.
Here is my plan:
Tomorrow I set out small cups of antifreeze near populated holes.
I will then Take my 1948 SuperA international harvester (lots of exhaust)now equipped with some spare spouting cleverly engineered over the exhaust and attempt a serious fumigation at another choice location. I will stand by, not with my .223, but with my 12 gauge (loaded with slugs to splatter the beasties,) and a sidearm in order to pick off any potential escapees.
I also intend to visit Agway or the local Hardware store in the hope of procuring an extra large Hava heart trap (they didn’t have one at Lowes.) If I am successful, I will bait it with Lettuce and milk duds, and see what transpires.
Saturday, I will park my pickup truck on top of the hill, bring a good book and my .223 and attempt to snipe as many of the bastards as I can before they overpower me.
I will give the corpses to bear in the hopes that he will develop a taste for fresh groundhog.
If I am at all successful, I will repeat this process the following weekend in the hopes of damaging the population before they breed and scatter.
If I feel particularly curageous and bloodthirsty I plan on mixing gasoline, oil, and laundry detergent, pouring it down their holes through a hose so it goes deep and setting it off with a lit roll of toilet paper thrown from a distance.
I thought about inviting all the dopers over for a get together/slaughter. Upon reflection, I decided that the fact that we can rarely have a civilized discussion in MIPSIMs without tearing each others throats out does not bode well for an armed and alcohol spawned get-together.
With my luck, only the trolls would show up all claiming to be Andros or DavidB or something until they got their hands on a gun and a beer.
So, that’s my plan. I will of course take pictures, and report back should I survive.
Again, thanks so much for the funny and excellent suggestions. I’m sorry I can’t reply individually, but there’s been so many recently.
Wish me luck.
“Don’t just stand there in Uffish thought!”
-The Caterpillar
It was earlier suggested that groundhog pelts migh have some value. Their skin is pale, their hair very sparse and coarse. Not exactly what the latest Cosmo girl will be wishing for for Christmas.
Yes, I am a rock on my good days (nice catch on the reference fungus.) I hope tomorrow is one of them.
I’m out of ideas. When all else fails, go with the flow.
If you casn’t beat 'em, join 'em.
Become a Ground Hog Farmer. I’m sure the FDA will approve of the process of cutting beef with Ground Hog meat; just pay them enough money.
Or set yourself up as a “Processed Protien Substance” exporter, and ship their little carcasses of to third-world countries.
The only other solution that I can think of is to have your property declared as a Live-Fire Artillery Impact Area, and let your local National Guard Artillery units have at it.
Probably upset your neighbors, and not be very gentle to your land (not to mention your house, should they shoot “out of the box”).
ExTank
“We put the M (Marmot) in SPAM”
“We don’t make the mystery meat, we make the mystery meat cheaper”
“Pork Bellies ?! Nah, the money is in Chuck Bellies.”
Wow… I would take the fact that a bobcat is making itself at home in the caverns of groundhogs as a good sign. From what I understand, they would only do that if it was abandoned.