How to pick up chicks at a club

Ok, it’s 4:00 am and I’m bored, so I thought I would recount a conversation at a club that actually went very well, a rarity for me.
I saw this guy wandering about and he wasn’t strikingly beautiful or anything, but I really liked his mouth because his mouth looked just like the mouth of someone I had a crush on years and years ago.

That’s not why I approached him, though- it was because he was wearing a necklace of animal vertabrae. I’m a taxidermist and I know these things, so I could tell that they were probably snake vertabrae and from the looks of it, it looked like he had bleached the bones himself.

So I came up to him and said “Are those snake vertabrae?”

MouthyGuy: Yeah, they are…I don’t know what kind of snake, though…

(If I had seen the dead snake I could have told him)

ME: It looks like you bleached those bones yourself

MouthyGuy: Yeah, I did! I collect bones…

ME: No way! I do, too! I have a very nice skunk skull that I bleached myself…

MouthyGuy: Oh wow, that’s cool…I want to get rattlesnake bones- there’s some site I found where you can order rattlesnake meat…I think it’s somewhere in Texas…but anyway, the snakes come skinned but not deboned, so I can get the bones and then I get to eat rattlesnake meat…

And so forth. We became friends after that and he really likes my taxidermed animal collection and told me that when his ferret dies, he would like me to preserve her.

The easiest way to pick up chicks at a club is to wait for them to come to you, I guess.

And wear a necklace of snake vertabrae.

Wear the proper back support before picking up chicks at this club, or in any setting. And remember bend at the knee and lift up, do not stoop from the waist and pull up the chicks with your arms.

I’d hate to see any needless lower lumbar pain.

Are these chicks Marshmallow Peeps? Yum!

If you’re going to pick up chicks,
Be sure to wear some snake vertebrae 'round your neck…

be sure to ask first, too.

Its much easier to pick up a still object than one flailing its arms and legs around.

Why am I thinking about a female version of that Ross character on Friends?

I don’t have any bones outside of my body, but I do have a gigantic collection of really cheesy jokes and puns.

How should I harness these to become a chick magnet at clubs?


This might help.

Your ideas intrigue me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

So she comes up to me on the dancefloor and says “Hi, I’m Sonia!” She had a really nice smile. I was wearing a turtleneck over my necklace of snake vertebrae so I blurted out “Wanna see my bones?” She gut punched me.

Thanks for nothing.

Scott MacKensie’s going to get you for that one…