How to quash Annoying Girl (TLDR)

In My Humble Opinion
21

I’m afraid I haven’t been clear enough. For each of these team relay events, the team exists for that event only. It’s not like an established sports team that plays multiple games throughout a season. What happens is this: There’s a relay event, and teams may enter. So people start asking around among their friends, “Hey, wanna be on our team for X relay?” And often you ask people to be on your team that you don’t know, and meet new friends that way. The teams are formed, the event happens, and that’s the end of the team. Next event, different teams with different people. (Unless, of course, a group is so cozy that they are always all together on a team for every event.)

And yes, Alice is already registered and paid to be on the fall event’s team. We’re by no means competitive; in fact, our team for this Saturday came in dead last (out of dozens of teams). It’s just for fun.

The thing with Alice isn’t really about her being on my team. I goofed by including her on the fall team, and I won’t be on a team with her in the future. This is more about keeping her at a distance and/or dealing with her annoyingness while still remaining friendly/civil in the overall running community in this city, during informal events that happen all year long. There’s really no other group she can go and join, and even if there were, I couldn’t tell her to do that just because a few of us think she’s obnoxious. If I were to tell her off or whatever, it would create a lot of hurt feelings and awkwardness. That’s what makes it dicey.

I’m thinking I’m just going to have to suck it up regarding the fall team event and be noncommittal when she suggests new activities, and firm/evasive when she tries to horn in on ones I’m planning. Not telling her “No, you can’t come because you’re obnoxious,” but not letting her force her way in either. Similar to dropping a client: If I’m “busy” enough times in a row when they call, eventually they stop calling.

22

I think the approach you’ve started to adopt is the correct one, you just need to do it consistently and for everything Alice tries to get away with, not just some things. Tell her no. Unless you genuinely want to do something for her, tell her no.

So:

Alice: Blah blah blah TMI medical issues…
You: Alice, that’s really unappetizing to hear while we’re eating. Let’s talk about something else.

Alice: Can you bring me a sweatshirt?
You: No, you need to be responsible for your own clothing.

Alice: Can you get me some cold cuts?
You: No, we’ve all agreed that we’re responsible for our own lunches, you need to be responsible for your own food.

Alice: Let’s be on the same team again!
You: Actually I’m planning to mix it up, so I can train and socialize with all of my friends instead of just the same few. Have fun with your own team!

You: So I…
Alice: [interrupts] blah blah blah…
You: Alice, please don’t interrupt me. I find it disrespectful and hurtful.

And finally…

Alice: But it’s not a big deal!
You: I find it really disrespectful of me when you try to steamroll my choices / clearly stated boundaries like that. It’s hurtful and I appreciate it if you would stop.

The key here is consistency. You will have to do this every time she tries to steamroll you. You can only conceivably let up if, after a period of several months, you see that her behavior has improved so much that you no longer have to say anything. It’s doubtful that will happen (leopard, spots, etc.), but you will either have a tool for reigning her in every time you have to deal with her, or she’ll get so frustrated that you call her on her shit every single time that she’ll distance herself from you all on her own.

She may genuinely not be aware of how she’s steamrolling you, or she may be aware and is pretending to be ignorant to get away with it. Either way, making the boundaries clear to her gives her no wiggle room to be either genuinely or pretend-ignorant.

Side bonus – you’re never speaking for anyone but yourself, but this will tend to benefit the others who find her irritating as well (and will maybe encourage them to stand up for themselves, too).

23

:frowning:

Oh wait - different Alice. :slight_smile:

You’re in a tough spot scarlett - I think the suggestions to point out when ‘Alice’ is being obnoxious is going to be your best bet. If you’re constantly harping on her, she may get annoyed and drift away from you on her own. Win-Win!

24

Whatever. You’re both pretty.

25

You have my sympathy - we have some irritating people in our social group, and it’s the same sort of deal - our group is open to anyone who qualifies who wants to show up, and we don’t want to tell some people they’re not welcome just because they’re annoying to some people (others in the group seem to like them just fine - I’d be happy if I never saw them again).

I like Kaio’s suggestions.

26

I like Kaio’s suggestions too, and that’s probably the direction I’ll go. I just hate that I’ll have to be on my toes with her ALL THE TIME. Grrr. Friendship and socializing should not have to be so much WORK, yanno?

27

We had a girl sort of like that who hung around the studio. Nobody could stand her because of her constant attention-whoring. I can take about 22 seconds of her, so I will greet her politely but do not initiate conversation. When she speaks to me, I answer the questions with one-word answers if possible, always polite and pleasant, but I keep it short on details. When she starts up with the babbling, I will physically turn my back to her and start a conversation with someone else as if she isn’t even there. She just turns to another person and keeps on talking. I’ve done my part to be polite and I don’t have to sit there and listen to the rambling. I saw someone straight up tell her point blank, “I don’t want to talk to you anymore. There is no compromise. I’m done. Please go away.” (She tried to interrupt with “Can’t we just talk it through and find a compromise?” She’d burned too many bridges with this person, who’d simply had enough.) She sets herself up for bullying, which some people try. I think that’s poor form, personally and prefer an ice-cold, just barely polite response. Anything more encourages her and makes her think you want to hear it all. Because so many people have been very blunt and clear about how she’s annoying them, she’s pretty much stopped hanging out and has found, presumably, other things to do with her time. She wasn’t really putting any work into the workouts anyway. In the two years I’ve known this annoying girl, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her get through one whole hour of workout. I think it’ll be a bit of work at first, but if you call her out on every annoying thing, I think she will find other, less “critical” people to hang out with.

Think of it this way. For some reason, she’s glommed on to you and Lisa. What is that reason? Does she think you’re cool? Are you just the only ones nice enough to tolerate her? Why is she so desperate for your approval/friendship? Whatever it is that you think she thinks she wants out of the friendships, make sure she doesn’t get that need met from you. Don’t pay attention, don’t ooh and ahh at her stories, don’t laugh at her jokes, give her nothing but disapproval, but firmly and politely. It’ll be much easier for her to assert herself on the passive nonconfrontational types and she’ll lose interest in you if you make it clear you see through her crap. No, I won’t bring you lunchmeat!

28

There was a time when I was with a group of people, and the whole dynamic was loud and chaotic. It was a storm of noise. Then one person (our own particular Alice) left. After a few seconds I said “Did anyone else notice how quiet it suddenly got?” Every single person laughed. It’s amazing how much chaos one person can bring.

29

Yes, that was it exactly on Saturday. Lots of conversation going on, but from my shotgun seat, Alice was over the top of all of them.

I actually met Kim through Alice, who said way back that Kim might be interested in being on last Saturday’s team. So I sort of assumed they were BFFs. So when Kim fessed up that Alice was driving her nuts too, I’ll be interested to observe Alice’s interactions with everyone else. She seems to be “friends” with EVERYONE. But perhaps they’re really in my boat, humoring her because they’re unwilling to have The Talk or put her off.

And there’s the bloop of a FB message from her. I put myself back online to her, because I figure I can actually tolerate FB messages from her; they’re quiet (!) and I can answer when I feel like it, without worrying about vocal tone or facial expression. (She knows that my computer is on 24/7 and I may not be at the computer even though FB says I’m available.)

30

I think it’s a mistake to communicate with her through facebook, it will only encourage her.

31

Eh, don’t think of it as “work,” think of it as permission to (politely) remove your self-censor. :smiley: You no longer have to pretend you like her gory medical stories! Woo!

32

I say keep it simple and start laughing at her bullshit. And just ask her aloud why other people should carry her shit, or why other people should get stuff or bring stuff for her, and pretty much only her.

And hope your other friends chime in and agree.

Better idea, tell your other running friends you’re going to do it in advance, and listen to any objections, but if there aren’t any, tell them that you expect some backup when the time comes.

33

Well, her medical stories aren’t so much gory as boring and none of anyone’s business. “So the patient had, X, Y, and Z symptoms, and so of course that means he probably has schistomysitisis poisoning, so I said throw A and B drugs at him, monitor his bullshit levels and call me if they get any higher. Well, two hours later he crashes just as I go on my lunch break, and blah blah blah . . .” Why do we care?

I dunno, I think if I completely ignore her on FB (or worse, defriend/block her), that’ll just create drama. This way I’m still in control of how much attention she gets. Her last message was just pretty much a statement, and I didn’t respond to it because it didn’t require a response. I also have not been responding to her other posts on my, her, and other friends’ pages.

I was really surprised when Lisa said, “Inside voice, Alice!” in the van, because Lisa is VERY shy about confrontation. To the point that she wanted to back out once when Alice was trying to horn in on one of our outings. I had to be firm with Lisa, saying, “Alice is out and you are in. We planned this ourselves first!” And then I dealt with Alice. I don’t mind doing this for Lisa because I understand her issues with this and she is most definitely a fun friend.

But as I say, I’ll be paying more attention to how other people are around her. No new get-togethers until next week . . . but that’ll be one where “we” always have dinner afterward. I think those will just be my cross to bear. And I’ll try to sit at the opposite end of the table. :smiley:

34

I like the consistent bluntness approach. Either it will alienate her enough to make her go away all on her own, or she’ll absorb the criticism and become more tolerable.

You can also make use of the snark. When she asks you to carry her tampon for her, say out loud, “Really, Alice? What the hell?” If she starts talking TMI work stuff, groan and say, “I can’t believe you’re talking about work! Lighten up, girlie!” And if she doesn’t stop, you can say, “Please, let’s talk about something else. All this talk about ass fungus is killing me.”

I sympathize with you.